Day 31.
Can't believe it's day 31 and the last day of Dry July. I have been fighting an internal battle with myself the last few days and I'm not sure if it's because of all I've been through over the last week or if I'd be feeling like this regardless. When I first started doing this it was with the intent that it would be for longer than just the month. It was to be kick start to a new way of life. I was so fired up from all the books and blogs I've been reading and I felt really ready to do this. Then last week I found out that my dad had died and it's all gone pear shaped. I haven't had a drink but I have really felt like one, and I've found myself counting down the days until the 1st August.
Mum and I flew up to the funeral. It was a very long and emotional day. We had a very simple funeral with just 2 of my brothers, mum and me there. There wasn't a celebrant or any of his friends (we didn't know if he had friends or where to find them, so sad..) And all his brothers and sisters live in Norway because that is where he was from. But it was appropriate somehow, just having us there. We had a good cry, read out some nice comments from his Norwegian relatives (who we have kept in contact with over the years) a couple of poems and prayers. We had photos and letters we'd written on the coffin and some beautiful flowers. And some songs that he liked playing in the background. So we got to say goodbye and I'm so glad I went. There is so much more I wish I'd been able to tell him though, I was just too emotional on the day. We flew back that evening and now it all feels surreal somehow and just a blur. I guess it will take some time to process all the feelings.
We found out that he died around the 30th June and that he wasn't found for three weeks (so very sad, even though we didn't keep in contact, none of us wanted it to end that way) It seems strange that June 30 is the last day I had a drink. Actually, that night we were staying at mums in the country during school holidays and I bought 2 bottles of wine thinking that I'd probably drink one and a bit and I would leave the rest for mum to have. In the end mum had one glass and I drank the rest!!! I was very drunk and ended up arguing with my brother (who was also very drunk), even arguing about dad. And that was the night that he probably died. Is it a sign? Does it mean something? I don't know. I just feel so sad inside.
Ax
Angie, don't read too much into things. Would've,could've, should've will drive you nuts - well it would for me. My advice is that don't concentrate on the events of 30th June just concentrate on the fact that you went to the funeral and gave your dad the best send off that you could and you were with your mum and brothers. I am sure that would be all he wanted anyway - just to have his immediate family around him. You just commented on my post that you were proud of me and guess what, I am so proud of you too, It is so so hard saying goodbye to a parent and you did not drink. You are a very strong lady. You have proved that if you don't want to drink you won't. The choice is yours really from now on. Whichever way you go please please keep blogging if not blog than pease keep in touch. Grieving is a long process. Some people cope and move on and some people (like me) hold on to things. Find your happy medium and if I could be so brash as to give you a bit of advice (only because of my experience with dad dying) talk, talk, write, run just do anything so that you can deal with the grief and it does not consume you.
ReplyDeleteAlways here for you.
Cherie xx
Thank you for your kind words Cherie. It means a lot to me. I am one of those people who bottles things up so I will continue to blog. Hopefully it will help me. Thanks for your advice, I will take it on board. Ax
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