Monday, 30 November 2015

Overwhelmed with life

I find life overwhelming sometimes. I think about everything that I need to do and I can't deal with it. So I don't do anything. And then I feel worse. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think this necessarily has anything to do with my drinking. Or maybe it does, I don't know. I just know that sometimes, often, life seems too hard. I think ahead and it stretches before me, more of the same and sometimes I just want to run away. From life. Of course I wouldn't. I keep getting up each day and living my life. But I wonder, there has to be more to life than this?

I think back to when I was in the latter stages of my last 100 day challenge and I was so flat, depressed almost. I thought it might be PAWS. But then I started drinking again and it lifted. I don't feel that bad again but it's just always there, in the background.

When the Paris tragedy happened, I couldn't help but feel there is no hope for the future. It is only going to get worse. What if I'm at work one day and my hospital is targeted. It's possible. These evil people aren't going to go away, there will always be more. I fear for the future, for my son. What is the world coming to? Is it really worth living?

I am ok. But sometimes I wonder if I really am?

I'm not sure where this post has come from. I sat down to write and the words just came.

I have been looking at the lost of meetings in my area. When I read books about recovery, people seem to be able to find a meeting at a moments notice, at any time of the day. They are not that frequent where I live. They have them in the evenings, but the ones in the day are harder to come by and not in my suburb. I don't want to go to one in the evening. I just want to keep it to myself for now. Hopefully I will get to one soon.

Day 8 today. I can't believe it. A part of me feels like I'm not ready, that I should have waited a bit longer. But that's silly. There is never a good time. Or maybe the opposite is true? Whatever the case, I'm glad I did it. I've found that each time I go back to drinking, the harder it is to get back to day 1. I don't want to have to do these early days again!

A x

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Day 6

About 18 months ago I started a hand written diary. I had been reading sober blogs for about 6 months at that point and was beginning to realise that I needed to do something about my drinking. So I dug out this hard covered notebook I'd had for ages and gave it the title 'My alcohol free day journal'. The first month was May and I wrote out the calendar month and circled the alcohol free days in red pen. I didn't do too badly. I managed 3 days the first time, then drank for 4 then another few off and so it went. June wasn't great with only a couple of red circles. Then I did Dry July and that was wonderful with a red circle around EVERY day!! By then I had started writing this blog, but I kept up the hand written journal and faithfully circled the AF days.

Yesterday I printed off my pledge to not drink for 100 days, cut it to size and using my sons glue stick, pasted it into my journal. This is the 2nd time I've done this and I found my thinking... if something ever happened to me, someone will find this journal and think 'what the hell?!' And I felt silly. In this modern day of electronics and blogs, why continue with my little book? Because it somehow works. When I printed out the pledge and stuck it into that book, no one else but me knows it is there. But 'I' know it is there and I made a promise to myself. And circling each day in red pen somehow helps me. I hated not having any red circles for the last couple of months. And now I have 5! I don't know how long I will continue doing this, but for now, it works. So no matter how silly it may seem I will keep doing it.

So today is day 6. Last Saturday I was getting ready to go a fancy ball that had been in the planning since we went to it the year before. And in my heart, if I'm really honest with myself, I knew I couldn't do it alcohol free. Even though I signed up to Belle's 100 day challenge and planned to not drink, in my heart I knew it wasn't going to be forever because we had the ball in November. But I kept saying to myself, after the ball I will quit again. So in a way I set myself up for failure. Why? Why couldn't I imagine going to that ball sober? By then I would have had 8 months sober if I'd continued on from the 100 day challenge, so surely I would have been able to manage it. I don't know. I am just realising (I'm a bit slow I know!) that there is always going to be a fancy ball around the corner to test me, and if I want this sober lifestyle, I am going to have to work really really hard to not give in to these temptations. To learn to navigate life without booze.

I have a hard time with the concept of 'recovery', and that you have to be in 'recovery' forever. I have a hard time applying it to myself. But whatever the case, what I was doing before wasn't working so I am going to have to do things differently this time. So I need to be open to new ideas, and to allow myself to try different approaches. Like meetings. I'd really like to give meetings a go. But I don't want to tell my husband just yet. He knows I'm having a 'break' but I want to keep the meeting idea private for now. So my aim is to try and get to a meeting one day next week.

We went out for dinner last night with my oldest friend from primary school and her husband. We hadn't seen them for over a year but it didn't matter. We just picked up from where we left off. They had a couple of drinks and I stuck to my diet coke. The good thing was that they didn't make a big thing about it. I just explained to my friend that I'd been drinking every night and that I needed a break and she was fine with that. It was good actually, because in the past when we have caught up, lots of alcohol was always involved. It's good to know that I don't need to drink around these people to have a good time. I won't lie though, I did fleetingly think how nice a glass of wine would be but that was it. I know it wouldn't have been one glass. It would have been 2 or 3 and then more at home, and then I'd be feeling awful this morning. So happy not to have a hangover!

Anyway, I am kind of waffling on and jumping from one point to another, so I might leave it there for now.

I am really tired, but I am sober!

Have a great weekend everyone.

A x

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Fighting my way back

It's been a long time between posts. You can guess why.

After 102 days alcohol free I decided that I could drink again. I could go on about how I thought I could moderate after having some sober time under my belt and knowing how good it felt to be hangover free, about how I thought I could manage just one or two drinks instead of the usual bottle, how I might suddenly have an off switch after decades of not having one, but what would be the point? In the end, I succumbed to the wine witch. I guess a part of me doesn't want to admit that, because hey, I'm not an alcoholic right? I just drink too much.  Lots of people do. But it's time to face facts and be really honest. Labels don't matter. I just know that I can't go on like this. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've just had enough. Normal people don't drink a bottle of wine a night. They just don't. They don't feel hungover every morning and live unproductive lives. They don't complain about their lives because they are miserable and it being not fair and yet not doing anything about it. Only I can change my destiny and the first way of doing that is to put down the wine glass.

I know I've been here before. When you feel this miserable it's easy to feel motivated and determined and even to get a month or so of sober time under your belt. It's the staying stopped that I have trouble with. The forever bit. But this time I'm not going to dwell on that. I can't. I just know that I need to stop. Otherwise nothing is going to change and I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.

So I've signed up to do Belle's 100 day challenge again. Today is day 4 and I am really tired because I haven't been sleeping well without the wine, but I don't care. I just want to get through these first few difficult days and weeks and start to feel better again. I felt so good last time I did the challenge. So stupid to start drinking again.

It's going to be harder this time with Christmas and New Year's around the corner, not to mention the celebrations leading up to it. But I have to be strong. I need to do this.

After finishing my 100 day challenge last time, I managed 102 days. But my mistake was not signing up to more days. So as I said before, I really thought I might be able to moderate this time. And I started off ok. I drank for a few days then had 3 alcohol free days and managed this routine for two weeks. But that's all. I have been drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY since early September. So, if I am ever stupid enough to think I can moderate again I just have to remind myself of this. I cannot moderate. It's just not possible.

I told my husband that I was thinking of doing 100 days again. And I even warned my friend C who likes to drink too. We went to a fancy ball last week and I not so jokingly said to her beforehand that I might have to detox after it was all over. Just so she won't be too surprised when I tell her that I'm doing this again.

I'm back reading my sober memoirs. I recently finished 'Blackout' by Sarah Hepola which was excellent. And I'm currently reading 'Bottled: A mom's guide to early recovery' by Dana Bowman which I'm really enjoying. I have been reading all your blogs too btw way and I'm sorry I haven't been commenting, but I just felt too ashamed. But not anymore. It's time to be really honest with myself. I want to try and get to a meeting one of these days.

So, here I am on day 4. And so relieved to be here. I just hope I can keep going.

A x