Thursday, 21 April 2016

150 days! Can you believe it? Because I can't and yet here I am!!

Day 150 nearly over. I can't quite believe it! Nearly 5 months! I've never been alcohol free for this long before, and now that I'm here, the thought of doing this forever doesn't scare me as much as it used to. I mean, it still does of course, but just not as much. 6 months is within my reach, and after that, I might pledge to a WHOLE YEAR AF!! The thought of being booze free for a whole year used to fill me with fear. I never thought I could do it in a million years. But now the world is my oyster and anything is possible.

I really want to start working on growing as a person now. I have wasted so many years drinking, I don't want to waste anymore. I want to become more spiritually enlightened, and get to know myself. I have absolutely no idea who I am. I'm nearly 50 years old (OMG! I am never saying that again!!) and I don't know who I am. How sad is that?

So I'm going to try some mindfulness meditation. I saw some on you tube, that will do for a start. I would also like to try yoga, Everyone raves about how good it is for you, especially in recovery (still not sure if that word applies to me but I'll practice using it for a bit and see how it rolls off my tongue). I have a yoga for beginners dvd that I may as well give a try. And the last few days I have done a workout at home. Nothing too strenuous as I am quite unfit so just starting slowly, But it's a start. I'm beginning to concentrate on me and what my body needs. It had wine poured into it for so long, it will benefit hugely from some exercise and a better diet (well, I'll try anyway. Daily chocolate still seems to be a thing). Baby steps. You can't undo years of drinking in 5 months, it's going to take time and there is a process involved.

I'm still thinking of going to an AA meeting. I'm longing to meet some sober people in real life (since I can't meet my lovey sober tribe in real life :( ). Just have to find one that is at a suitable time. I've been putting it off for a while now so I should really start looking into it.

I showed my husband the sobriety clock on my iphone this evening -150 - it said. He gave me a hug and said he was proud of me. That made me feel good.

We went out to dinner to celebrate our friend D's birthday tonight. His wife C drank 4 champagnes and then when we went back to there place to do the cake, she and her hubby drank the whole bottle of red wine that we gave him for his birthday. I could see that C was quite tipsy, and all I could think of was how that would have been me 5 months ago.  I would be drinking right along with her and we probably would have even had more! So glad that's not me anymore. I am going to wake up a bit tired tomorrow morning (it's now 12.41 in the morning) but I won't have a hangover, and that is the best feeling in the world!

Our dinner venue was a classic pub, with people playing pool and a beer garden out the back. It had a good atmosphere and took me straight back to the days before we had the little guy and used to go out quite a bit. I must admit, I did feel a little nostalgic for those times, and a little sad because I couldn't have a glass like EVERYONE else in the pub! But it was ok, I sadly accepted that I can't do that anymore no matter how nice those first 2 or 3 glasses feel.

But it was a lovely night out with friends. I can happily come along to events like this and be totally fine drinking my diet coke, whilst everyone else has either a beer or a sparkling wine. That's my life now and it's fine.

So yeah, 150 days. Woo hoo!! (i don't even think it's a milestone day but it feels like one to me!)  

A x

Saturday, 16 April 2016

I am so worried

I've spoken of my brother before, the one with the drinking problem. The alcoholic. It's funny, because I see him clearly as an alcoholic but just can't think of myself like that. I know I have a drinking problem, but I struggle to use that term for me. But it's just semantics really. I have a drinking problem and needed to stop. It doesn't really matter what I call it.

Anyway, by brother B had a hernia operation nearly two weeks ago. He told me he would go back to work after a few days, but I told him he would need longer than that. He said we'll see. I spoke to him last night and he told me he hasn't gone back yet and that work is okay about that. The problem is, I was talking to my oldest brother R recently (he lives close to B and sees him quite a bit) and he told me (in strict confidence, so not to tell B that I know) that he hasn't been to work in weeks. That the day he got out of hospital after his operation (it was a day case so he wasn't in overnight) he went home and started drinking. (R picked him up from the hospital and B went back to his place so he would have someone there if he needed help). Anyway, R told me that the next day B started drinking early in the day and ended up drinking about 15 or more beers!! It's like he hasn't even had an operation and he's continued to drink more than ever. And because he isn't working, he is drinking all day, every day. I was talking to R last night and we are really worried because he is going to lose his job. He is living off credit because he has no sick leave left and things are going to get even worse. R says he has already hit rock bottom but it hasn't stopped him drinking.

I was talking to R last night and I asked him if B knows he is in trouble. R said that he is fully aware but that he just drinks more to hide from the fact. When R tries to talk to him about it he says "what about you and A?" I said I don't know how he can compare himself to us, and R said that he does. That he thinks other people drink more than they do.

We are so, so worried about him. He also chain smokes and doesn't do any exercise. He is going to die young if he doesn't do something soon. He is single and has a 13 year old boy who he has 50/50 custody of, but he is not going to be able to keep that arrangement if he isn't careful. He will lose his flat and his job. He desperately needs help. R said he is going to talk to a guy he knows who is an AA counsellor, so hopefully he will give us some tips on what to do.

In a funny way, I compare myself to B. I think I am (was) not as bad as him. He is the real alcoholic. And I think I drank for longer because of this. But I WAS just as bad. I have a problem with drinking and that's all that matters. Whether you drink two glasses every night or a bottle or more, if you are powerless and it's making you miserable, you have a problem.

I told R last night that I know I drank too much which is why I gave it up nearly 5 months ago. This is the first time that I've told anyone that I've actually given it up, rather than just saying that I haven't had a drink for such and such a time. So in a way, that is progress for me.

I am so worried for my brother. He is killing himself. What can we do?

A x

Friday, 15 April 2016

A big thank you

I just want to thank all my wonderful sober blogging friends for the words of encouragement and support on my last post. Your advice helped me so much and reminded me that I can't go back to the way I was before. Today is day 145 and I never want to go back to the beginning again, which is exactly where I would be if I gave in to the wine witch and her wicked suggestions that it's ok to have a glass or two of wine on those 'perfect' occasions.

When I first started on this journey the thought of not drinking for 31 days (Dry July) seemed like an insurmountable challenge. But I did it! Then Ocsober and other months here and there. But it wasn't enough. So I signed up to do Belle's 100 day challenge, which I thought was the ultimate challenge, and in my heart I didn't think I would be able to do it. But I did that too! But always back to the drinking. Always the promise that having a glass or two was okay, that I would be able to moderate this time. But of course I never could. Now at 145 days, a number that in the early days seemed so far out of reach, I realise that it is still really early days.

I spent years, decades, drinking. I can't I expect to undo all that in a matter of months. I need to be patient, and give in to the process.

I am learning that I can't do this alone.

So, I've been listening to the Home podcasts lately and am finding them really helpful. I ordered the book 'This Naked Mind' and it arrived last week, so I will read that soon. I joined a private sobriety support page on Facebook which is really helpful too. And I have all of my sober blogs of course. All your help and support is invaluable, and I appreciate you all so much.

But I'm not sure if all that is enough. I would love to have some real life support. Be able to meet up with other sober people. I have been contemplating going to a meeting for a long time but am yet to get to one. I might consider it again. Not sure what is holding me back. Fear maybe? Of what?

In my heart, I know what I'm scared of. I'm scared that by going to a meeting, it will make it all official. That there will be no going back. A point of no return. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But will I ever be?

A x

Thursday, 14 April 2016


I had last Sunday off work, so went on a little excursion into the city. It was just hubby, the little guy and me. We packed a lunch, jumped on a train and spent an afternoon being tourists in our own city. It was a lot of fun!

We ended our fun day eating our packed meal by the Yarra river, watching rowers going back and forth and people walking by.

It was a beautiful Autumn afternoon, sunny and warm. I said to hubby, this is the perfect occasion for a glass of wine, and he agreed with me. And it was. I sat there, drinking my diet coke, thinking in the old days, we would be sharing a bottle of wine or champagne and it would have been perfect.

But the reality is, whilst it may have felt perfect at the time, it wouldn't have been really. Because I would have gone home feeling mellow and relaxed from a lovely day out, and spoilt it all by drinking another bottle of wine and waking up the next day feeling hungover and filled with shame and misery.

But I can't shake those feelings of missing out. Of those 'perfect' times for a glass of wine. I feel sad that I can't do that anymore.

And then of course I start to think 'I wasn't that bad really'.  Anyway, I know now what I have to do to not be that bad anymore.  And I know this is all bullshit.

Because I can't go back and have a glass of wine. For me, there is no perfect time. But will these feelings ever go away?

I've been thinking ahead to October when we will be going on our annual holiday to a resort in the sun and already I'm feeling sad that I won't be able to drink. This is ridiculous! It's 6 months away! Why am I worrying about this now?! Besides, I will be almost 1 year into sobriety by then so hopefully it won't be an issue. But I can't shake these feelings.

I am committed to not drinking. I have signed up for 180 days (am on day 144 - I think)  But I'm scared that my resolve is waning. And I'm scared that I'm feeling like this after so long. I feel like I'm in the early days again.


I want to be happy and confident in my sobriety. Not full of doubts. I know this is probably the wine witch talking but I can't help it.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

A x

Monday, 4 April 2016

I'm still here

I haven't posted for a while, but I am still here!

My little guy is on school holidays for two weeks (today is the start of the 2nd week) and it feels wonderful to wake up in the mornings with no hangover, and to be fully present for him. I am still far from perfect though. I spend too much time on the computer. I could be spending more time cleaning the house. We could go outside more and go to the park. But I am not complaining. For once, I am just glad that I am sober and no longer stuck in the drinking cycle that kept me prisoner for so long. Day 134 today!

I know I should blog more often. It really helps. I just get out of the momentum and then I struggle with what to write. Today I told myself to write anyway, and see if the words come. So here I am!

We had a bbq dinner at the park on Friday evening. It was the last night of day light savings, so we thought we would make the most of our last evening of light. My friend C had been trying not to drink every night and hadn't had a glass of wine since Monday, so she was hanging out for a glass! She ended up drinking quite a lot and was quite tipsy in the end. She apologised to me the next day because she felt bad for getting so drunk. I didn't say much. I just said that I knew what that felt like which is why I am not drinking now. She even said that she had googled how to not binge drink. Then I began thinking "what if she stumbles across my blog?! What if she finds out I've been writing about her?" But I doubt she will. I don't think it's easy to find.

I wanted to tell her that I have books she is welcome to borrow, but something held me back. I might give it some time and see how she goes. I am sure she will tell me if she is worried about her drinking (although I think she already is a bit) But I know from experience how difficult it is to talk about it.

Her hubby made a comment about being jealous of me not drinking. I was going to talk to him about it more but we got distracted by the kids and the moment was gone. It might come up again another time.

I have this week off work! I know it's only a week but I'm so excited that I get to spend more time with my little guy. There is a Jurassic World exhibition we'd like to go to, plus the movies and we will definitely go to the park a few times. I am going to bake his favourite cookies this afternoon and go the library to borrow the books we have reserved. I want to make the most of this last week of school holidays and really enjoy some quality time with my son.

I had a few drinking thoughts last week. Not that I'm going to follow through on them. Just that it would be nice to have a glass of bubbles now and then. But the thing is, it is never a glass now and then. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Over and over again.

So I'm off to do something productive. I will try and post more often!

A x