Saturday, 7 February 2015

So frustrated right now!

Would really love a wine right now. I am so sick and tired of my husband and his moods. Not handling his stress at all.  I haven't got time to write a post but would dearly love to vent!!!

Thursday, 5 February 2015


I had a really flat day yesterday. Not sure why? I just couldn't find any motivation to do anything and felt sad all day. I just had to ride it out and knew that today would be better.

I've come to the realisation that I don't do feelings. I've always been the type of person who bottles things up and doesn't talk about things. I've always been like this. Then when I started reading sober blogs and reading books I discovered that a lot of people use alcohol to avoid feeling emotions and I wondered if maybe I do that too? But I didn't always drink and I've always been like this, so I don't know.

I do know that I can't seem to find any motivation, even when I am not drinking. I look at my cluttered house and all our belongings and I hate it. I look at all of my little boys toys and clothes and realise that we own practically every single thing he's had since he was a baby. It's partly because we were hoping to have a 2nd child so kept things for that reason but sadly it didn't happen and little guy is now 8. So it's time to get rid of some stuff. We have passed a couple of things on to our nephews, some clothes and a few toys but not much. I've mentioned to OH that we should take some stuff to a second hand shop but he wants to sell it on ebay instead. In the end, it all just sits there and looks a mess. I would love to have a spotless, minimalist type house but somehow I can't see it ever happening. Everything is just too hard.

Yesterday my younger brother came over to borrow a gate we used to use when little guy was a toddler to stop him getting into the kitchen. My brother has 3 kids and is moving to a lovely big house with stairs so needs the gate to stop their 2 year old from falling down them. I think a part of me was sad because I knew we would never have another use for the gate and maybe that's why I felt so flat yesterday? I do feel a deep sadness inside that we couldn't have another baby, and it never really goes away.

Bloody hell, writing that made me sad! I even shed a few tears! But in typical fashion I quickly stopped them because I don't want to deal with these feelings. See?! I told you I don't do feelings.

I probably need to do something about that.

A x

Monday, 2 February 2015

Thank God for Febfast

Here I am on day 2. And all I can say is thank God for Febfast! I am back on my sober trail and know I will be here for 28 days at least. And it hasn't been hard to do because my last 24 day stint of sobriety was still fresh and it feels like I'm just continuing on from that. But those 4 nights of drinking did happen and I have acknowledge the reason for that.

Someone asked me if I have therapy or have been to a meeting. I haven't. I'm thinking I might try seeing a therapist. There is certainly a lot of baggage I've carried around with me for most of my life and it's probably about time I started to sort through it. I need to do something because this merry-go-round of stopping for a while and then starting again is becoming exhausting. As for a meeting, I'm not sure about those. Wouldn't that mean admitting I'm an 'alcoholic'?! I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that.

I told my friend that I'm doing Febfast and she said she'd like to do it too. I saw her at school drop off this morning and asked her about it. She said she'll do it unofficially. I said we could be sober buddies and then she told me that she is going out to dinner on Thursday night and implied that she would have to have a drink then. So I don't know. Somehow I don't think I'm going to have a sober buddy after all. But it's good that I can talk to her about it. Although I don't tell her everything. Just that I have been drinking too much and that having a 'break' is good for me. Certainly no mention of the 'A' word.

Our holiday is drawing near. We are planning on going away around the 24th Feb so I won't be drinking at the start of the holiday. I'm hoping that having those few AF days at the start will put me in good stead to continue on a booze free holiday. I just hope I can stay strong!

A x