Well, it is now August. I manage to remain alcohol free for 32 days. Then I had a drink. It was a conscious decision. Do I regret it? I don't know yet. It went like this... We went out for dinner on Saturday night (just the 3 of us) and I had decided earlier in the day that I would have a glass of wine with dinner. I also bought a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate afterwards. And I have to say, it was all a bit disappointing. Dh was tired so didn't feel like a wine. So instead of sharing a bottle like we usually would, I drank 2 glasses on my own which just wasn't the same. And it tasted pretty awful. It didn't used to taste that bad surely?! But I had a 2nd glass anyway. Which just made me feel really sleepy. Then at home we shared the bottle of bubbly (well, Dh had 2 glasses and I had the rest) but he kept falling asleep on the couch so I was essentially drinking by myself. Not how I imagined it at all! I felt a bit tired yesterday but that could be because we had a late night the night before. And I didn't feel hungover other than a pesky little headache.
And now I am back to square one. Will I have a glass tonight or wait for a few nights? Surely I deserve to have one having gone so long without. And especially after what I've been through the last couple of weeks. I really could have done with one last week but I abstained, so it must be ok now? But I will endeavor to be a moderate drinker for a little while and see what happens. I have a feeling though that I will end up exactly where I was before. Does that make me weak, knowing this and still going ahead with it? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
What I do know is though, is that grief is a strange thing. I will be going ok, getting through the day fine when all of a sudden a wave of grief hits me and suddenly I am sobbing. And I feel so alone. It's like my place in the world has shifted somehow. And I feel like I have always had icicles around my heart and now it's time to let them melt. But I don't know how. 46 years old and I have no idea who I am...