Monday, 4 August 2014


Well, it is now August. I manage to remain alcohol free for 32 days. Then I had a drink. It was a conscious decision. Do I regret it? I don't know yet. It went like this... We went out for dinner on Saturday night (just the 3 of us) and I had decided earlier in the day that I would have a glass of wine with dinner. I also bought a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate afterwards. And I have to say, it was all a bit disappointing. Dh was tired so didn't feel like a wine. So instead of sharing a bottle like we usually would, I drank 2 glasses on my own which just wasn't the same. And it tasted pretty awful. It didn't used to taste that bad surely?! But I had a 2nd glass anyway. Which just made me feel really sleepy. Then at home we shared the bottle of bubbly (well, Dh had 2 glasses and I had the rest) but he kept falling asleep on the couch so I was essentially drinking by myself. Not how I imagined it at all! I felt a bit tired yesterday but that could be because we had a late night the night before. And I didn't feel hungover other than a pesky little headache.

And now I am back to square one. Will I have a glass tonight or wait for a few nights? Surely I deserve to have one having gone so long without. And especially after what I've been through the last couple of weeks. I really could have done with one last week but I abstained, so it must be ok now? But I will endeavor to be a moderate drinker for a little while and see what happens. I have a feeling though that I will end up exactly where I was before. Does that make me weak, knowing this and still going ahead with it? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

What I do know is though, is that grief is a strange thing. I will be going ok, getting through the day fine when all of a sudden a wave of grief hits me and suddenly I am sobbing. And I feel so alone. It's like my place in the world has shifted somehow. And I feel like I have always had icicles around my heart and now it's time to let them melt. But I don't know how. 46 years old and I have no idea who I am...

A x


  1. Now you have a chance to find out who you are.
    If you can honestly see that moderation will not work for you perhaps it's time to forget about that.
    My life used to revolve around drinking. I've now gone 8 months without and every single day something happens where I pause and am grateful that I am experiencing it clearheaded. Every day.
    These things are both good and bad. Both have been so much easier to deal with. And I am slowly moving out of the mindset that I'm broken and need fixing and into the real belief that I am good as I am.

    You have lots of support either way!

    1. Thank you Anne. Well done for being 8 months sober. You have done so well! I'm going to try and moderate for a bit. Hope that means I can still blog here. I hope I too can be in a good place one day. Ax

    2. I'll be following to see how it goes! Definitely keep blogging. There's more than one way to skin a cat!!!

  2. Moderation never works for me. I think I have past the point of no return on that front. It is all or nothing. In the end, I was drinking alone and it is a very lonely thing to do. I agree with Anne in that I can deal with things much more realistically when I am not drinking. I am not a good example because as you know I have been struggling but I have found strength in these blogs. As far as the waves of grief go I had to learn to ride them out. I did not do that well I as used alcohol to dull the pain. Trying to find ourselves is part of this journey.

    We are all here to support you.

    Cherie xx

    1. Thank you Cherie. I am going to try and not use alcohol to numb my pain. I'm glad I didn't drink when I found out about my dad and during the time around his funeral. Emotions are hard when you are used to numbing them out with alcohol. Hope you had a good day. Ax