Tuesday, 25 August 2015

100 days

Today finds me at 100 days sober. I can't believe how quickly the time went. Life carries on just the same (only better of course) when you aren't drinking alcohol. It really is possible. You can go out to dinner, attend social functions and get through birthdays without wine. Who knew?!

I'm sorry I haven't blogged over the last few weeks. I've been in a real slump. I don't know if it's related to not drinking, ie PAWS, or if it's related to the stress in my life (which is a whole other story for another day) but whatever is causing it, I just can't seem to snap out of it. I've even been considering seeing a doctor and asking for medication. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. It's unbearable. It's like I have a dead weight sitting on my chest and I just feel sad all the time. It's awful!

I have signed into my blog countless times to write but the words just don't come. I just don't have the energy. Which is a shame, because I'd like to have had a record of the whole 100 days.

So where do I go from here? I don't know really. I've been grappling with forever all along and I'm still struggling with it. I do know however, that I don't want to go back to how I was before. Even though I am feeling down I'd rather feel down and not drinking every day than to feeling down plus being hungover and living with shame.

I guess I am all over the place really. I just wanted to let you know that I've managed to not drink for 100 days and I can't quite believe it! 100 days seems endless when you start out on this journey, but it really isn't that long. It's just the blink of an eye really.

My son has been sick the last couple of days with a UTI and he was up to the toilet every hour overnight. And I am so thankful that I wasn't drinking. I have been tired but it's manageable, and I've been able to be fully present for my son in his time of need. I dread to think how it would have been had I been drinking every night, hungover and miserable and resentful no doubt.

Like all problem drinkers, I have many unpleasant drinking stories that have occurred as a result of my drinking. I don't ever want to forget these stories. I want to remember them as a reminder of what I never want to go back to.

I want to keep blogging. Whatever happens over the coming weeks, I want to have this place to can come back to.

A x

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Day 80

Wow! Who would have thought? Certainly not me. 80 days ago I signed up to the 100 day challenge, not really believing in my heart that I could do it. But I wanted to give it a good go. I knew I could do 20 - 30 days. Even 42 at a stretch. But it was getting harder and harder. And I could never keep going. So I thought I'd try 100 days. A good long stretch. But I really wasn't sure if I could do it. No matter I thought, I will give it a try. And here I am, on day 80.

It really does make a difference; being AF for such a lot of days. 30 days isn't long enough to get a real idea of the benefits of not drinking. I am so glad I am doing this, have nearly done it.

But I have to confess, the thought of drinking at the end of my 100 days does pop into my mind from time to time. But I just push them away for now. Crazy I know.

In terms of my sadness (I wrote depression but then deleted it, not sure why?) I am feeling a little better. I still have tearful moments throughout the day, but it's not as bad. It sits in the background, hovering, but I am able to move past it for a while. So hopefully I am getting better. I try not to think about the surgery and what I am going to do. Procrastination is my best friend. Head in the sand, that's me. Dealing with painful emotions is hard, so I try to push them down. I've done it all my life. One day I will explode I'm sure.

Off to dinner with our friends tonight. My friend C has been good about my not drinking, I think she has gotten used to it. We were at her house last weekend for a baby shower and I even told another friend that I wasn't drinking for 100 days. People are a lot more accepting than I thought they'd be. They don't really care actually. I guess it's because they are normal drinkers themselves and have no idea what it's like for problem drinkers.

I'm still waiting for the weight loss to happen. That's the really annoying thing. All those calories from wine not being consumed and I haven't lost any weight. So FRUSTRATING!! I don't get it. I know I'm eating more chocolate, but surely that's not nearly as much calories as a bottle of wine every night? I just don't get it! (It doesn't help that hubby keeps buying chocolate. If it's in the house, I will eat it!)

So that's me. 80 days. Maybe I should get myself a treat?

A x