Thursday, 18 December 2014

If it's so great why do I feel so bad?

Today is the first day of the school holidays. I was going to take my son into the city to see the Myer Christmas windows. We were going to go on the train and it was going to be an adventure. We were going to have a great time.

Instead I am feeling sick with a dreadful headache and still in my pyjamas and have spent the whole morning in bed. My son has been on the ipod all morning and asking me when am I going to get up? I feel so bad for him. I told him mummy doesn't feel very well and that we're going to have a quiet day today instead. Thankfully he is a very resilient boy and is fine with that. But it's not right. I really wanted the first day of the holidays to be special.

Last night we went out for dinner with another couple and their son. We had a great time. My friend and I shared 2 bottles of wine together then hubby got me another one and I had more at home. Yes, we had fun last night, but it's just not worth feeling this bad for the next day. I started drinking again because I just couldn't handle the thought of never drinking ever again and I knew that there would be heaps of occasions over November/December where we would be catching up with friends who drink and I didn't want to be the only one not drinking. And it was fun. But why then do I feel so bad?

I really want today to be another day 1. And it might be for a while. But I just know that I will succumb again because the forever thing scares the hell out of me.

I think this problem is bigger than me and that I need to get some help. I just can't seem to admit it yet.

A x

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Back here again

So, I find myself back here again. I drank last night. I managed 42 alcohol free days. I did Ocsober and kept going and managed 6 weeks. I am so proud of myself because that's the longest I've gone without alcohol. But if I'm honest with myself, I had been toying with drinking again for a couple of weeks. It seems to happen like this each time I've had a stint of sobriety. I feel wonderful and love not drinking. But then I start to think that moderation sounds good. And that this time I think I can manage it. So yes, last night we went out for dinner and I had a few drinks.

I didn't really enjoy it. It tasted awful and I wondered, even as I was drinking it, had it always tasted this bad? But I drank it of course. And another. And a couple more when I got home. I felt pretty average this morning. I went back to bed after dropping Mr 7 at school. And now I remember why I stopped.

So we will see. Can I be sensible about it this time?

Oh, and I changed my blog title. Just felt like a change. 

A x

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Feels good to be back

It felt great to wake up hangover free this morning. I was tired because we had a late-ish night and dh was snoring, but that was ok. We drove up to the snow today. We were told that there was still a lot left up there so we thought seeing as it's only a couple of hours away from mum's place we might as well go and show D how wonderful the snow is. We did take him a few years ago but he couldn't really remember it and now that he is nearly 8 we thought he'd have a great time. There wasn't as much up there as we thought there would be but there was enough to make a snow man and to have a snowball fight. It felt so good to be in the fresh, crisp air and to experience the stillness of the mountains. It was good actually that it wasn't the winter when there is heaps of snow because it would have been a lot busier. This way, we had our patch of snow almost to ourselves.

On the way back we stopped into a camping site (where we've also been before when D was younger) and had a snack. It was amazing because there dozens of kangaroos grazing in the grass and  lot of the mums had joey's in their pouches. They were so close! It was a wonderful site. We are so lucky to be close to all that nature here in mum's country town. We really take it for granted sometimes.

So a wonderful but tiring day! When we were on the mountain in the snow I was trying to imagine if the experience would have been better if I'd had a glass or two of wine. And I can honestly say that it wouldn't have been. We had a great time without it. I was on a natural high from the lovely fresh air and watching the excitement on my son's face as he aimed a snowball at his dad and put the carrot on the snow mans face.

I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow. As much as I love mum it's been exhausting these last 5 weeks since she had her operation. I find myself getting impatient with her and snapping at her, which isn't nice of me at all. I want to be a nicer, more patient person and I'm hoping that that will happen as I begin to relax into sobriety again.

A x

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Day 1... yet again

So, day 1... again.  It's been a while between posts. Too long probably. Maybe if I'd blogged more often I wouldn't have fallen off the wagon. I made it to 31 days last time then just stopped. I could go on and on about how difficult things had been and how stressed I was with mum having her operation and then staying with us for 2 weeks, and whilst it would be true, it would be no excuse. I just decided that I wanted to drink. After all the recent stress I deserved it. This is a warped way of thinking I know. Pouring booze down my throat is hardly a reward. But 31 days was pretty good I thought. I just have to work harder and not get complacent again.

I am currently in the country at mums. She's recovered pretty well from her surgery and we will be leaving for home in a couple of days. I'm hoping things will get back to normal then and I can get back into my own routine and blog on a regular basis. I love listening to the Bubble Hour but I haven't been able to do that here, so I'm looking forward to that. I've started reading Jason Vale again and have also bought Allen Carr's book. So I'm hoping they will help. I need to start taking care of myself now. I need to be a bit selfish I think and concentrate on my own health for a while.

So, another new start. I will try and post again tomorrow.

A x

Monday, 25 August 2014

Day 14..again

Today I find myself at day 14.... again. I remember last time it felt like a milestone of some sort. I guess because I was doing Dry July it was an almost half way point and other people doing it were beginning to count down the days to the end of the month. I was hoping to continue which of course I failed at. I lasted one extra day and then succumbed. I really did want to keep going. I planned to. But I guess it was early days and I wasn't that strong yet.  And maybe I needed that slip up to strengthen my resolve and to get me here again.

It was a crazy month and I am proud of myself for completing the challenge and going 32 days without alcohol. I was certainly tested when I found out my dad died 3 weeks in. Everyone said it would be ok to have a drink. That it would be understandable given the circumstances. But I stayed strong and didn't have one. I even poured mum a Bailey's as she was really upset and I thought it might help her 'relax'. I wasn't even tempted to have one. Then flying to Adelaide for the funeral, a small sad affair with just mum, 2 of my 3 brothers and me (All dad's siblings live in Norway so weren't able to be there). Even though I hadn't seen my dad for many years it was still so very sad to see his coffin and to know that his body finally succumbed to the deadly drug alcohol. So very sad for a life lost. For not knowing his beautiful grandchildren. For sacrificing his whole life for booze. I'm glad I went though, and got closure. I would have always regretted it of I hadn't gone. So that was a very testing time. And yet I stayed strong and didn't drink. Well, not for another week anyway. So I know I can do it. I just have to stay strong and remind myself why I am doing this.

I remember years ago when I was a smoker, a colleague who had given up smoking had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, but what I remember is that she said to me if she didn't take up smoking again after such a tragedy then she could safely say that she would never smoke again. I remember thinking 'wow, I can't imagine giving up smoking let alone not smoking when something awful like that happens!' I eventually gave up smoking myself 9 years ago and have never been tempted to take it up again even through life's ups and downs. But I'm not sure if it's the same for drinking. Because even though I was able to stay strong when my dad died, I wasn't able to be a week later. And who knows what will happen this time around? I'm hoping that I can stay strong and not drink even when life throws me a curve ball. Which will surely happen because that's just life. But I am going to keep blogging, keep reading sober blogs and books, stay active on Mrs D's website Living Sober and actively work at staying sober. Otherwise I might just slip up again and I really don't want that to happen!

A x

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Happy Saturday

Hello blog, it's been a while! Sorry for neglecting you. I'm still here, just been slack with jotting my thoughts down. It's day 12 today. It feels good to be in double figures again. It means I'm getting further away from that last drink.

I'm feeling happier. Last week I was feeling flat and really depressed. Questioning my decision. Do I really need to be doing this? Was I really that bad? Surely I'll be ok now? Now that I know how good being sober feels surely I will be able to moderate? But of course I know the answer to these questions. I am here for a reason and I have to keep reminding myself what those reasons are. It's amazing how as time goes by you forget how bad things were. You forget how awful the hangovers were, how you never got anything done. How much time you wasted. How unmanageable your life had become. I don't want to get back on that roller coaster. I like here, with my feet firmly on the ground. It feels safe and comforting. I may feel unsteady for a bit while I get my balance back but that's ok. I'll get there.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Day 5... Again

So, here I am on day 5 again. It is exactly 6 weeks since I started my blog, full of enthusiasm and hope for an AF future. I lasted 32 days before I decided I was 'fine' and started drinking again. So glad to be back here again!

I had a really flat, depressing day yesterday. I just had no motivation and couldn't get out of the slump I was in. It wasn't until I picked D up from school that I started to feel better. I guess there will always be flat days. But I just felt SO depressed and down. It was awful. I have to remind myself that's it's only been a few weeks since I found out my dad died, and that my emotions will probably be all over the place for a while.

I slept a bit better last night, so feeling less tired today. I can't wait till I feel refreshed and full of energy. I didn't get there when I did Dry July, most likely because I gave in so soon afterwards, but I am determined to get there this time! I know it will take some time to get my body in a healthy state. I've been abusing it for so many years so of course it's going to take time!

A x

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Happy and frustrated

Day 3 today. I'm thrilled to be on day 3 but also frustrated that I am not on day 45. But I guess I have to get past that. It was my choice and I have to live with it. I have to learn from it and move on and not let myself be in that position again. It's frustrating too having to go through the difficulty sleeping and tiredness and weird dreams that I went through when I stopped before. But I have to remind myself that I had only stopped for 32 days and that isn't very long when you have been drinking so much for as long as I have. But I do know that I will eventually start to feel better. It was just a blip and hopefully a lesson well learned.

I'm finding Mrs D's Living Sober website really helpful. It's great being able to chat with like minded people. People who understand exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. It's good to know you are not alone. And even though I knew that from reading all the wonderful sober blogs, I like the interactiveness (is that even a word?) of it.

I told dh that I was going to sign up for HSM. I also told him that it might be for longer. He knows (obviously) how much I used to drink but I don't think he understood the extent of my problem. He would often drink as much as me but then he could easily go a night without. It's hard for people who like a drink but who don't have that internal battle going on inside their head to understand what it's like for people like us. I look at my friend who also likes a drink and wonder if she has that inner battle too or if she just likes to drink but can then stop easily if she wants to?

When July was over and I decided that I could moderate, my first thought when I entered the bottle shop was 'I haven't been in the drug shop for a while'!! Honestly, those were the exact words that went through my head. And even though I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interests I still went ahead with it. I drank most nights for the next 10 days but didn't enjoy it much at all. It tasted awful and made my head feel foggy and strange. It wasn't a nice feeling. Even my beloved bubbly didn't have the same zing that it used to have. So here I am again. But I know now that moderation isn't for me. Had I listened to everyone who has gone before me and said that moderation doesn't work I could have saved myself a lot of angst. But I can't go back and change it. So, I am moving forwards and am not going to be too hard on myself. I am back on the wagon and that's the main thing!

A x

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

It's great to be here again!

Day 2 today. It is so great to be back here. It's early days but I'm already feeling better. I remember being day 2 last month and it was all so new. But this time I remember how good I felt being booze free and I am looking forward to feeling like that again. I didn't sleep well last night which is exactly what happened last time in the early days. But I know I can just ride it out and my sleeping will soon improve.

It is such a RELIEF not having to think about booze. I still think about it of course, but this time it's about NOT drinking it. Not about should I or shouldn't I and the constant internal battle that goes on inside my head. It's such a lovely feeling.

This time I have signed up for Hello Sunday Morning. 3 months booze free. I am also hoping to do Belle's 100 day challenge. This way I am accountable. I have made a contract and I can't break it. Dry July was great, but it wasn't long enough. This way I can get a solid chunk of sobriety under my belt and really change my life. I am excited!!

It's going to be hard when my friends ask me out for drinks. One friend in particular has been hanging out to have a drink since I finished Dry July. For whatever reason, we haven't done it yet, and now I'm going to have to tell her I'm off it again! But this isn't about her. Or anyone else for that matter. This is for me and for being the best me I can be. I've been wallowing in fog for so many years now and I want to be free. This is just the beginning. So bring it on!

A x

Day 1...again

So, here I am back at day 1. I really wish I hadn't wasted the last 10 days. I would be at 43 days today if I hadn't. But I can't think like that. It has helped get me back to here and that's a good thing, right? I am pleased I was able to get through my recent trauma alcohol free, it shows me that I CAN do this. In the last 10 days I didn't drink every night, but it was nearly every night. It doesn't matter though, because here I am nearly finished day 1 and that's fantastic!

I am loving Mrs D's new website. I didn't get on there much today because I was working all afternoon/evening. But I intend to participate more tomorrow.

It's late now so I'm going to go to bed. Just wanted to write a quick post for day 1. Yay me!! I can do this! I signed up for Hello Sunday Morning - a 3 months booze free program. It looks great and I'm hoping it will help me heaps.

So, goodnight for now. I will be back again tomorrow. Looking forward getting back into my blog and new sober living.

A x

Thursday, 7 August 2014

It's not really working

So, it's not really working, this moderation thing. I was going to have an AF night last night. Then Dh offered to get some wine and instead of saying not to worry I of course said that would be nice. I thought it would be nice to have a glass whilst watching the final episode of Offspring. So he comes back with a bottle of Yellow and a few bottles of wine. We shared the bottle of bubbly then I thought I'd have a couple of glasses of wine. Now, when you add up the bubbly and two glasses of wine it's about a bottle in total. That is NOT moderation! And then my oldest brother rang up and we chatted for a while about dad and our younger brother who is an alcoholic and in real danger if he doesn't get help soon. And what did I do? I had some more wine. Because I'm not as bad as my brother. I might have a bit of a problem, but hey! I managed to go booze free for 32 days. And please note that that is one day extra than I had to once the 31 days of July were over. Yay me! I know I am not as bad as my brother but I still have a problem. I'm already thinking about wine during the day. Should I or should I not have wine tonight. And so soon after my break from booze. I thought if it was going to happen it would take longer than this! I really thought I'd be ok to moderate. But who am I kidding?! I have heard time and time again that people like us just can't moderate. It's impossible so why even try? I am so disappointed in myself. I LOVED doing Dry July. It took the option of having booze away and it was great. I didn't have this constant battle going on in my head. And now I'm drinking again and I hate it.

I joined Mrs D's website 'Sober Living' and even though I feel like a bit of a fraud, I'm going to stay on it. Because I'm going to stop again. I just have to decide when. I have those few bottles of wine that Dh bought and a lovely bottle of Chandon Sparkling to drink. And when they've gone, I will seriously start thinking about it.

Wednesday, 6 August 2014


I was at work yesterday and some of my colleagues gave me a lovely condolence card and a gift. I was really touched. I have to admit that I was a bit hurt because it had been a couple of weeks and I didn't even get a card. So when they gave me the card and gift yesterday I was a bit shocked to say the least! But I was so happy that they thought of me after all. I have been working at the same place for 16 years and I am one of the last ones from my era. Which means that I often feel old and on the outer. It doesn't help that my boss is a but strange and doesn't treat me like someone she has known for 16 years! I know some of this has got to do with my lack of confidence. But it's something I want to work on. I've always had self esteem issues and I figure it's about time I find out who I really am. I really think the 'you have to like yourself before others can like you' is true. So that's what I'm going to work on.

I didn't have a drink on Sunday night, but I did on Monday night. We (Dh, ds and me) went for a lovely picnic dinner which we do a lot (more so in the summer though) and Dh bought a bottle of wine. We set up our picnic table with a table cloth and candles and Dh had a couple of beers and I had wine. It was lovely. I sipped my wine slowly and only had a couple of small glasses. In the past I would have finished them a lot more quickly and had 3 or 4 by the end. It was freezing though so we weren't there for that long. And I have to confess I had more wine at home. But I didn't drink last night and I was fine with that.

I'm reading Mrs D's book and I'm really enjoying it. It will be interesting to see how I feel when I have finished reading it. And I've still got Jason Vale's book which I started months ago but never finished reading. I also have Sober is the New Black by Rachel Black. And I finished the Sober Revolution which I really enjoyed. So I am still toying with the idea of going alcohol free permanently. I just can't get my head around 'forever' just yet.

I had some blood tests taken this morning. I have had the request slip since March as I have been curious to find out what my cholesterol, vitamin D levels and Thyroid Funtion are like. But I've been putting the tests off ever since because also on the blood slip was Liver Function Tests. And the thought of that terrifies me! Having been a nightly drinker for so long, surely my liver function must be off?! So I've been putting it off and putting it off. Then I started thinking 'maybe my liver isn't that bad now that I had 32 days of not drinking?' So this morning I went to the supermarket straight after school drop off and quite on the spur of the moment decided to finally have my blood tests done. Now I just have to wait for the call. I am nervous but it's out of my hands now. I am praying for a miracle though!

My post is a bit all over the place today. I wish I could write lovely insightful posts, but my mind feels muddled so I guess what I write reflects that. Maybe one day I will be able to. I hope so anyway.

I'm wearing my 'Not Today' bracelet that I bought from Belle's Sober Store. I love it!

A x

Monday, 4 August 2014


Well, it is now August. I manage to remain alcohol free for 32 days. Then I had a drink. It was a conscious decision. Do I regret it? I don't know yet. It went like this... We went out for dinner on Saturday night (just the 3 of us) and I had decided earlier in the day that I would have a glass of wine with dinner. I also bought a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate afterwards. And I have to say, it was all a bit disappointing. Dh was tired so didn't feel like a wine. So instead of sharing a bottle like we usually would, I drank 2 glasses on my own which just wasn't the same. And it tasted pretty awful. It didn't used to taste that bad surely?! But I had a 2nd glass anyway. Which just made me feel really sleepy. Then at home we shared the bottle of bubbly (well, Dh had 2 glasses and I had the rest) but he kept falling asleep on the couch so I was essentially drinking by myself. Not how I imagined it at all! I felt a bit tired yesterday but that could be because we had a late night the night before. And I didn't feel hungover other than a pesky little headache.

And now I am back to square one. Will I have a glass tonight or wait for a few nights? Surely I deserve to have one having gone so long without. And especially after what I've been through the last couple of weeks. I really could have done with one last week but I abstained, so it must be ok now? But I will endeavor to be a moderate drinker for a little while and see what happens. I have a feeling though that I will end up exactly where I was before. Does that make me weak, knowing this and still going ahead with it? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

What I do know is though, is that grief is a strange thing. I will be going ok, getting through the day fine when all of a sudden a wave of grief hits me and suddenly I am sobbing. And I feel so alone. It's like my place in the world has shifted somehow. And I feel like I have always had icicles around my heart and now it's time to let them melt. But I don't know how. 46 years old and I have no idea who I am...

A x

Thursday, 31 July 2014

So, what happens now?

Day 31.

Can't believe it's day 31 and the last day of Dry July. I have been fighting an internal battle with myself the last few days and I'm not sure if it's because of all I've been through over the last week or if I'd be feeling like this regardless. When I first started doing this it was with the intent that it would be for longer than just the month. It was to be kick start to a new way of life. I was so fired up from all the books and blogs I've been reading and I felt really ready to do this. Then last week I found out that my dad had died and it's all gone pear shaped. I haven't had a drink but I have really felt like one, and I've found myself counting down the days until the 1st August.

Mum and I flew up to the funeral. It was a very long and emotional day. We had a very simple funeral with just 2 of my brothers, mum and me there. There wasn't a celebrant or any of his friends (we didn't know if he had friends or where to find them, so sad..) And all his brothers and sisters live in Norway because that is where he was from. But it was appropriate somehow, just having us there. We had a good cry, read out some nice comments from his Norwegian relatives (who we have kept in contact with over the years) a couple of poems and prayers. We had photos and letters we'd written on the coffin and some beautiful flowers. And some songs that he liked playing in the background. So we got to say goodbye and I'm so glad I went. There is so much more I wish I'd been able to tell him though, I was just too emotional on the day. We flew back that evening and now it all feels surreal somehow and just a blur. I guess it will take some time to process all the feelings.

We found out that he died around the 30th June and that he wasn't found for three weeks (so very sad, even though we didn't keep in contact, none of us wanted it to end that way) It seems strange that June 30 is the last day I had a drink. Actually, that night we were staying at mums in the country during school holidays and I bought 2 bottles of wine thinking that I'd probably drink one and a bit and I would leave the rest for mum to have. In the end mum had one glass and I drank the rest!!! I was very drunk and ended up arguing with my brother (who was also very drunk), even arguing about dad. And that was the night that he probably died. Is it a sign? Does it mean something? I don't know. I just feel so sad inside.


Monday, 28 July 2014

One month... should be feeling happy

Day 28.

So, one month today. I should be feeling happy, but I'm not. I just feel an overwhelming sadness. Sad for my dad and how his life turned out to be. I'm sad that I didn't do things differently. But I can't go back. It is how it is. Will I ever come to terms with it??

We have the funeral tomorrow. Two of my brother are already at his place (which is in another state) and mum and I are flying up there tomorrow morning for the day. It's going to be really hard and I'm dreading it really. But I think it's important that I go. I will regret it forever if I don't go, I know I will.

I really could have done with a drink the last few days! But I didn't have one. Just 3 days until the end of July and I will supposedly be allowed to have one again. The original plan was to not start drinking again. But now I don't know. I've never had a month off drinking before and I'm thinking maybe I will be ok now? Maybe I will be able to just have a few on the weekends and then not drink during the week? Now that I know how good it feels not to wake up hungover everyday, surely I won't let myself fall back into old patterns? We went out for dinner on Friday night and of course everyone else was drinking. One of my friends has kindly offered to put a bottle of bubbly in her fridge so we can celebrate at her place on Friday afternoon. Why didn't I say anything to her? I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. I've found it a lot easier than I thought to not drink for a whole month. But maybe it's because it was for a good cause and no one questioned it. I didn't have to say 'oh, I have a drinking problem so am not drinking anymore'. I just had to say 'I'm doing Dry July' and everyone thought that was great. In fact, so many people told me they were impressed because there was no way they could do it!  And I admit I felt a little bit smug because I've been able to do it and they couldn't. But I'm not special. I needed to do this. And I probably need to continue to do this.

I've been thinking how ironic all this is. Here I am not drinking for the month and it's during this time that I found out that my father had died. And he was an alcoholic. He was never able to conquer his demons and it ruined his life. I should learn something from this. I have so much to process over the coming days and perhaps for a long time to come. I've been thinking I should probably look into seeing a councellor. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I'm the type of person who keeps everything bottled up and finds it very difficult to talk about my problems, which isn't healthy at all.
So I think that's what I'll do.

A x

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Feeling lost

Day 24.

I haven't seen my dad for 26 years but I still feel very sad and lost. It's a strange feeling. Before, even though I didn't see him, I knew he was out there somewhere. Now he is gone forever. And despite everything, he was my father and he gave life to me. I'm so sad for him, he wasted his whole life because of alcohol. He just couldn't give it up and because of that he didn't have a relationship with half of his children and all his grandchildren. He died all alone. It's just so sad.... We are still waiting on news from the coroner before funeral arrangements can be made. I'm thinking I will go to the funeral and mum wants to go too, even though they separated many years ago. We want to support my brothers, who had seen him in recent years, especially my oldest brother who is really struggling. Also, I think I need closure.

I have regrets... Should I have forgiven him and made an effort to see him? Should I have let him see DS, his grandson? I don't know. My brothers said he was a mess every time they saw him. He still drank and his mind had gone - he even hallucinated at times and spoke of aliens. So probably better that I didn't see him. So many strange thoughts going through my head. There is no rule book for situations like this, you just have to muddle through.

Day 24 today. I haven't had a drink, even though I briefly thought one would be good. But it wouldn't have been just one, that's the problem. My oldest brother said he is very proud of me and that what I am doing is kind of a legacy for dad. I thought that was nice of him to say. My other brother (I have 3) is a big drinker, in fact, if he doesn't get help soon he may end up just like dad. It's so frustrating! Can't he see that?! He has been off work since we found out and he's been drinking all day, drowning his feelings in alcohol. But even though he may use this as a good excuse to be drinking, he'd be doing it anyway. I'm glad I have a clear head going through all this. I don't want it to be forgotten in a haze of booze.

My mum is staying with us still. I'm glad she wasn't all alone in the country when she found out. It's just been difficult to blog with her here. But that's ok. I'm sure I will make up for it once she's gone. I have a feeling I will have a lot to get off my chest.

A x

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

A life lost... such a waste.

Day 22.

My dad died. I haven't seen him for many many years, but I still feel this intense grief. I feel sad for what could have been and especially for him, dying all alone. He was an alcoholic, and my childhood, which did have some happy times, had many bad ones as well. It's going to take some time I think to process all these feelings. I'm still feeling shocked. I really felt like a drink last night, but I managed to abstain. It wasn't the answer. After all, alcohol is what ruined my fathers life. How was having a drink going to help?

I'm going to need to blog about this in more depth, I just can't do it now. Not while everything is so fresh in my mind.

A x

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Day 16

Day 16.

It was strange coming home from work last night and not having a drink. I'm so used to coming home and having a glass (or 4!) of wine to help me 'relax' after a stressful day at work. So I got home last night and thought 'what now?' But I didn't drink, well not wine anyway. I got my water bottle and watched Masterchef that I'd taped and still managed to relax. In fact, this is probably what proper relaxing is really like. I went to bed a bit later than I'd like but it's impossible to go straight to bed after work (for me anyway) So, still tired today but not hungover. Hurray! Love that feeling of getting out of bed in the morning and knowing that you aren't going to feel crap from having too much wine the night before.

I visited a lovely girl I used to work with today. She had her first baby 7 weeks ago and he is just gorgeous! It takes me back to 7 and a half years ago when my son was just a baby. Why does time have to go so fast?! Would it have gone slower if I hadn't been drinking all that wine every evening and wasting half the days feeling tired and sluggish and not living life to the fullest? Probably. And I'll never get that time back, that's the really sad thing. I have so many regrets about my past. I'm not sure if I'll ever come to terms with that. I have a feeling that I have a lot of soul searching to do. But I'm just not ready to do that yet. Maybe a bit down the track....

My mum is coming to stay with us for a few days, so I'm not sure if I'll get to blog while she is here. She knows I'm doing Dry July and she is really glad I am, but I'm not sure if I want her knowing about my blog.

A x

Tuesday, 15 July 2014


Day 15.

Back to work this afternoon. It's always a bit strange going back after a break. Hopefully it won't be too busy.

I had a slightly better sleep last night.  Headache has gone, thank God! But I still woke up a lot throughout the night and woke up feeling tired still. It doesn't help that DS wakes up so early. I got him to go back to sleep but once I've been awake I don't go back to sleep properly. I so envy people who are good sleepers!

I was in the supermarket the other day and the first thing I saw when I walked in were strawberries. I always associate strawberries with sparkling wine because this is the only time really that I eat them. And I felt a bit wistful and a bit sad if I'm honest. I thought to myself 'I guess this means that I won't get to enjoy strawberries in champagne ever again'. I tried not to think about it after that, but it got me thinking. What if I were to drink non-alcoholic champagne/sparkling wine? Would that be ok? Or would it give me a taste for wine and encourage me to drink alcohol again? Maybe it just wouldn't be the same without the 'kick' you get from the real stuff? I don't even really enjoy the taste of wine, especially the first glass. It's just that after that first glass you get past the taste and you kid yourself that you LOVE the taste of wine! Champagne on the other hand, especially with strawberries in it, is another story. I could drink that till the cows come home (and wake up with a shocking headache and hangover the next day! But you don't tend to think about that when you're downing the stuff!) So, I'd be interested in hearing what other people think about non-alcoholic wine and champagne. I do get sick of diet coke and water!

I saw my friend at school pickup yesterday afternoon and she asked me how Dry July is going. I said it was going fine and she made the comment 'you're almost half way!' I didn't tell her that I'm thinking of extending it beyond the end of July. I just didn't want to get into it then and there. But I also haven't talked about it too much with DH either. For all he knows once the month is up I'll be back to my old wine guzzling self! I'm not sure why I can't bring myself to talk about it. Maybe that would mean admitting that I have a real problem? Probably. It's something I'm going to have to really think about one of these days.

But now I have to get ready for work, so I'll leave it here. Have a great day everyone!

A x

Monday, 14 July 2014

Two weeks!

Day 14.

Wow! Two weeks today! I wish I could say that I was feeling wonderful. But I'm not really. I had a bad headache yesterday that just wouldn't go away. It was still there when I went to bed last night despite taking panadeine and nurofen +. It was with me throughout the night, and still there with a vengeance when I woke up this morning.  And I felt SO tired!! I got up and got DS ready for school and dropped him off. Then I came home, took more painkillers and went back to bed. Thank God when I woke up an hour or so later it was gone. So why do I feel so tired? I thought by now I would be feeling on top of the moon. Would have lost some weight and look 10 years younger! After all, it's been 2 weeks! But I guess it takes time. You can't undo years and years of damage in 2 short weeks. So, I will try and go to bed earlier and see if that helps. And I'm not going to complain because I'm on day 14 and that's a really fantastic thing!

We had a great weekend. On Saturday I took DS to a Lego expo run by a place called Inside the Brick and it was brilliant! We met some friends from school there and had a great time. Then we all went to lunch which was lovely. No one had any alcohol so it wasn't strange me not having any either. In the past I probably would have had a glass or two of wine, then carried on into the night.

Saturday night we went out for dinner. Now, EVERY time we go out for dinner I have several glasses of wine -  we either order a bottle to share (which I have more of because DH is driving) or he'll order beer and I'll order wine by the glass. So it was a new experience to go out and not have any. I just had diet coke whilst DH had a beer. I have to admit it wasn't quite the same. Not as fun somehow. But it's only because it's new I guess. I still feel a little of the 'it's not fair, why can't I drink like everyone else' blues. But at no time did I consider having any wine. And maybe I was feeling a bit flat because I'm still so tired. I don't know. After dinner I ducked into the pokies and put in $10 and won $280!!!! That NEVER happens to me! And as I was sitting there I thought to myself 'I'd better not do this again. I don't want to transfer from one addiction to another'! Still, it was nice to have a win. I'm going to use the money to get my hair cut and coloured, I haven't had it done since October last year!

Had a quiet day yesterday. Took DS to the library and got him some more books. He is loving his reading now which is fantastic! At night, before going to sleep he will read a chapter or two all on his own. I'm rapt because I've always loved reading whereas DH is not a reader. And it's made such a difference at school too, his teacher has really noticed the difference which is great.

First day back at school today. I had visions of being really productive and giving the house a good clean. Having all this time in the morning now is wonderful. Except not this morning with this stupid headache! I'm hoping the rest of the week will be better. I'm back to work tomorrow afternoon. Hope I have a better sleep tonight. I'm also hoping that work will be easier. I usually wake up tired as hell and have to have a sleep before work otherwise I'd be a wreck all day.  And I'd really struggle when it's busy, which it is all the time these days. So, looking forward to not feeling like this when I'm back tomorrow after 2 and a bit weeks off.

Usually the school holidays fly. But this time I've been alcohol free and I feel like I've had a good break. Not spending mornings feeling hungover and tired and napping really makes a difference. And DS has really benefited as well, spending more quality time with me. It's a win win situation!

Anyway, better go and get productive. I've wasted the morning but there are still a few hours before I have to pick DS up from school. Headache seems to have gone, hope it doesn't come back!

Happy 2 weeks to me!

A x

Friday, 11 July 2014


Day 11.

I had my first sober dream last night. That is, not my first dream whilst being sober, but a dream about being sober. Firstly I have to mention that when I was downing a bottle of wine a night I wasn't dreaming much at all. Which is rather telling isn't it?! So, I've been dreaming a lot since I stopped drinking and it's quite amazing. Well, last night I dreamt that I was at an evening event at my son's school (not sure what the event was) but I remember thinking 'stuff it! I'm going to dance even though I haven't had a drink'. And so I started dancing to my hearts content. Not 'disco' dancing or 'night club' dancing, but ballet kind of dancing! I used to do ballet when I was younger and had aspirations of becoming a dancer (which sadly didn't happen. I ended up becoming a nurse) and imagined myself becoming the next Jennifer Beales from Flashdance! Anyway... so I'm dancing away and all the shcool kids are watching me.... and that's all I remember. But the thing is, I was SOBER in my dream. I'm not sure what this really means, if it means anything at all actually, but I just thought I would mention it as it's a first for me!

Last night DH did something to really annoy me. I seething away inside and really pissed off! Normally, this would be the perfect time to have a glass of wine. To 'calm my nerves'. Isn't this what anyone would do? But I didn't of course. I just stayed annoyed for a while, not talking to him much and we eventually went to bed. I'm not sure where we go from here. Normally it would just blow over until one night when I've had a a few too many and we'd have a big argument (started by me) and every past grievance would come up. Not the best way to deal with an argument I know, but there you go. It would be off my chest and we could move on. So, what happens now? I am excellent at bottling everything up and not opening up about my feelings. In fact, sometimes I think I am going to explode! But how to deal with this whilst being sober?! Guess I have a long way to go. I've read that becoming sober can be an emotional roller coaster; having to suddenly deal with all these feelings that have been previously drowned out my alcohol. I hope I am strong enough to deal with them. Hopefully having this blog to write down my feeling will help.

I quit smoking nearly 9 years ago. It was the 2nd time I'd given up smoking, the first having stopped for 2 years only to stupidly take it up again. This time round, I was determined not to do that again! And I had added incentive - I wanted to get pregnant. And I didn't want to be one of those pregnant women who struggle to quit and who secretly smoke on the sly, hoping no one is watching them. It was hard at first, but I did it. And I'm so proud of myself for doing it. But what I want to know is... Why is it ok to say 'I quit smoking' and everyone pats you on the back, whereas if you were to say 'I quit drinking' everyone would look at you increduously and ask why?! Now I know there are lots of people who drink normally. And these people couldn't possibly know what the internal struggle problem drinkers have on a daily basis. But why are people surprised when others give up alcohol? It can be just as deadly as smoking. In fact, as a nurse I look after lots of people who have cancer that is not just smoking related but alcohol as well. Why can't people see how serious drinking can be? Cigarettes are locked away behind the counters these days. There are hideous photos on the packets showing the damage they can cause. What if they started putting these kinds of photos on wine and beer bottles? Would people change their views on drinking? I don't know. But what I do know is that in the last few months when I'd been trying to cut down on my drinking, I started looking at bottle shops differently. I would look at all the rows and rows of bottles and think to myself 'they are just legal drugs in a bottle'. And it helped. Here I am on day 11. Still can't believe it!!

I finally bought Mrs D's book! In case you haven't heard of it (which is highly unlikely in the sober blogging world!) it's called 'Mrs D is going without'. I can't wait to get it in the mail! I must finish reading The Sober Revolution over the weekend, so I am ready to start the new book when it arrives.

I just want to thank those lovely people who have commented on my last couple of posts. It's nice to feel that I am not alone on this journey. That I am a part of a community. It helps a lot. So a big thank you :)

A x

Thursday, 10 July 2014

A New Day...Bring it On!

Day 10.

Had such a nothing day yesterday. Woke up tired and just felt blah all day. It was a cold, rainy and miserable day. Wanted to take DS (darling son) to the park but it was too wet, so inside all day. And I wasted hours mucking around on this blog - accidently deleting my profile then finding it again (phew!) figuring out how to put a picture on etc. I tend to become fixated on things and just can't let it go until it's successfully completed. So frustrating sometimes!

Anyway, today is a new day. So bring it on! Unfortunately it's cold and rainy again, but I am determined to get out of the house today. If not to the park, then at least a walk around the block. DS is in desperate need of some exercise. Being house bound is not a good thing in the school holidays. At least we got to the movies on Monday and Tuesday and caught up with some friends. And last week we were at mums in the country where the DS and his cousins spent lots of time running around outside in the lovely country air.

Speaking of exercise, I really need to start doing some myself! I have been wanting to for ages now, but just can't seem to get motivated. Now that I'm not waking up hungover and feeling like crap I have no excuse. I bought some new runners about a month ago, and I have a heap of exercise DVDs that I used to do when DS was a baby, I just have to find some motivation! Over the last couple of years the weight has slowly crept up and I would dearly love to lose 10kg. I'm hoping that a pleasant side effect from not drinking is that I will lose a little bit of the weight, but I know that I need to start exercising too. I'm getting to an age now that it's much harder to shift weight and I know that I'll start to feel better in myself once I start exercising.

A strange thing happened on Monday. We went to the movies with a friend from school and his mum, whom I have become friendly with, and had a bite to eat afterwards. We went to a restaurant/cafe where we've been a few times before and on those occasions we enjoyed a few glasses of bubbly and chatted for hours while the boys played outside. This time we sat inside as it was so cold and ordered our food and drinks. I had a glass of diet coke and my friend had a lemon squash. She would normally have had a glass of wine or bubbly, but she said she would support me by not drinking alcohol. I told her that I was fine with her having alcohol, but she insisted. I thought that was really nice of her actually (She was the girl I mentioned in a previous post - she was saying how she drinks too much too) But the funny thing was, we were eating and drinking our soft drinks and chatting, and after a while I started to get that buzzy feeling you get after enjoying a couple of drinks. Was it just the feeling of enjoying good company and being on a natural high? I'm not sure, but in that moment I thought, I don't need a glass of wine or bubbly to have a good time. Maybe I've been wrong all this time? Anyway, it was a lovely feeling! We are going out for dinner on Saturday night with this same girl and her husband, plus another couple, so it will be interesting to see if the same thing happens.

I was chatting to mum this morning and she was asking me about how I am doing with the not drinking. She is thrilled that I am doing this as she knows I drink too much and has been wanting me to cut down for ages. She was asking me if DH is doing it (Dry July) too and I told her that he isn't. In fact, I told her, I have even gotten beers out of the fridge for him and it hasn't bothered me. Which is true. Maybe it's because I've never been a beer drinker, I don't know, but I wasn't tempted in the slightest. DH likes his booze too though. Often we would share a couple of bottles of wine together, which made me feel better as it meant I wasn't the only one drinking, therefore I didn't have a problem. But the difference is that he could go for nights alcohol free whereas I couldn't. And if I did on the rare occasion, I would be hanging out for the next night when I could have a drink again.

So, day 10 today. Who would have thought?!! I'm off to search the internet for Mrs D's book. They didn't have it in the book store that I looked in the other day, so I think it will be quicker to buy it online.

A x

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Feeling a bit blah

Day 9.

I've changed my blog title yet again! I realised that I had left out a letter in my blog address and when I fixed it I saw that the title was already taken. So I've spent AGES coming up with a new one and couldn't think of anything inspiring hence this not very original new title. But I am over it so it's here to stay. For now anyway! Also, I have spent all morning mucking around with my layout trying to put a description in the 'About me' but just can't figure it out. Why am I so hopeless with all things computer related?!

Anyway, moving on.... I am feeling a bit blah today. I am rapt that I'm up to day 9 but I woke up tired again and a bit cranky and just wondering when I'm going to feel all fresh and motivated. I should be feeling on top of the world right now! But I'm going to try not to let it get to me. It's much better than being hungover and living with shame and regret about the wines consumed the night before. It's better than being exhausted from thinking about whether to drink or not and then losing the battle and having the cycle start all over again.

So far I've raised $141.00 for Cancer by doing Dry July. That's something to feel good about! I have to remember that this isn't just about me. It's also for a good cause and I should be feeling happy about that.

A x

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

One week!

Day 8.

So, today brings me to a whole week of being sober. Yay!! I honestly can't remember when I last went a whole week without wine. It feels great! I'm still tired but I'm not complaining. I'm sure my sleep will improve as time goes on and I will feel that wonderful pink cloud feeling that I have read about on other peoples blogs and in books.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was asking me how I'm coping doing Dry July. I told her I was finding it a lot easier than I thought I would and how having the choice to drink taken away seemed to be working for me. She also asked me WHY I was doing it, so I explained how I had been drinking too much - a whole bottle in one go (I couldn't admit to her that it was almost EVERY night though) and that I was having trouble cutting down on my own. She also admitted that she needs to cut down and added how easy it is to drink a whole bottle of wine in one go. And I couldn't help thinking... I am not the only one! I know there are lots of women who drink too much -I found this out when I discovered the sober blogging world - but I didn't think anyone I knew personally had a problem. I thought it was my dirty little secret. And I was sure I would be found out one of these days! But what's also amazing is how many comments I've had on Facebook from people saying how impressed they are that I'm doing this and how they would like to do it too one day, just not at the moment because they have too much going on this month. Of course most of these people think I'm just doing it because it's a great cause, but that's ok. Not everyone needs to know the real reason. Those closest to me may suspect, but that's ok too. Having my friends and family supporting me is just wonderful.

I'm currently reading The Sober Revolution - Calling Time on Wine O'clock by Sarah Turner and Lucy Rocca, and I am finding it really helpful. I also started Jason Vale's book Kick the Drink Easily! earlier in the year but I didn't get far with that one. Probably because I was still drinking and not  quite ready to stop yet.  I will go back and finish it one day. I am going to buy Mrs D's book today, I can't wait to read that!! Hers was the first blog I accidently stumbled across towards the end of last year. I googled something like 'how to live without wine' and there it was...And I discovered a whole new world! I found out that there were plenty of others just like me, it was amazing!! I didn't feel so alone anymore. And I've been reading blogs ever since. I saved a few on my phone with secret titles but hubby saw them one day and asked me what I was reading. I was so embarrassed! I've been reading them in secret ever since. (Not sure why. He knew I was drinking too much but although he can put away a whole bottle of wine too, he doesn't seem to have the same problem as me. But he's pleased that I'm doing this so that's great)

A x

Monday, 7 July 2014

A new week

Day 7.

Well, I survived the weekend! There was only once instance where I felt a little longingly for a glass of wine. We popped in to see my parents-in-law and the first thing they asked me (as they always do!) is if I'd like a nip of Bailey's. Normally I would have one or two. But I said no thank you without offering an explanation as to why I was abstaining. Then I was offered a glass of wine... I said no to this also, but just for a moment I could taste that first cold sip and I missed it. But I didn't let myself think about it for too long. I just had to tell myself "no, you are not doing that at the moment. And besides, you are doing Dry July so you are not allowed to". And so I didn't. Thankfully I wasn't pressed as to why I didn't want any. My inlaws are lovely but I just don't feel like having to explain to them just yet.

Starting day 7 today and feeling good. No, scrap that. I am feeling really tired. I haven't been sleeping well and it's caught up with me. I have been a bad sleeper all my life. One of the reasons I liked to drink wine was that it helped get me to sleep. The only trouble was that in the end I was drinking a whole bottle of wine and sometimes a bit more and whilst I did sleep it was not good quality sleep. So of course I would wake up feeling dreadfully tired and feeling like crap. I would often drop my son at school and come home and have a nap for an hour or two. Then would struggle to have a shower and get moving - it was all too hard. So the day would just go and before I knew it it would be time to pick Master 7 up from school and I would have gotten nothing done. I feel embarrassed writing this. But it's the truth, and if I want to change, I need to acknowledge my behaviour. I have got a lot of soul searching to do and it might be painful at times, but I need to do it.

I would have liked to start my blog on day 1 of this journey (don't you just love that word?!) but we were staying at my mum's in the country and I didn't want anyone to know (that I was writing a blog) I'm not sure if I want my husband reading this either, but I guess there is a chance he will as he uses this computer too. I'm careful to log off each time but computers are strange things, especially to me! so there is a good chance I will miss something. Oh well, will see what happens I guess.

It's the 2nd week of the school holidays. I'm grateful that Dry July started whilst I am on annual leave for 2 weeks. I only work 2 days a week (as a nurse) but it is always busy and can be very stressful. I would often, well always actually, come home and have 1 or 4 glasses of wine and go to bed late. I work afternoon shifts and never get out on time so it's always 10pm or later when I get home. Having a couple of booze free weeks behind me will hopefully make it easier when I go back to work.

Off to the movies today to see How to train your Dragon 2. Looking forward to it!

A x

Sunday, 6 July 2014

Happy Sunday

Day 6 today.

Normally I work on Sunday afternoons but am on annual leave at the moment. Yay! I was up at 7.30 this morning with my 7 year old. Normally my husband gets up on Sundays and lets me have a sleep in which is lovely (and quite necessary after a Saturday evening spent drinking a whole bottle of chardonnay and sometimes a bit more. Actually, the bit more was becoming more frequent and boy was I feeling it!) So, to be up this early on a Sunday is a new experience for me! I was tired but what a difference not being hungover made! Had some breakfast, spent some time on the computer and even made a cake! All before midday! I think Master 7 was a bit confused with this, especially when I said told him I was getting up and making him breakfast!

I have always thought I wasn't a morning person. But maybe it's just that consuming a bottle of wine the night before isn't conducive to early morning rises. I have actually suspected this for a long time, but didn't really want to have to deal with it. Maybe thinks will change now? It is a nice feeling to be up and about without feeling like crap.

I survived Saturday night without wine quite well. Not a struggle at all really. I know it's early days but I'm making the most of it! I'm sure the cravings will come fast and strong at some point, but until then I'm going to enjoy this feeling of being in control.

A x

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Dry July day 5

So, day 5. That means 4 whole days without alcohol and onto my 5th! Yay me!! What's the big deal you may ask? Well, it's been a long time since I went 4 days without alcohol. And it probably would have been a long time before I went another 4 days alcohol free if I hadn't signed up to Dry July.

I've been wanting to cut down on my alcohol intake for a while now. Some time towards the end of last year I stumbled across sober blogs (thanks google and Mrs D!) and discovered a whole new world it seems.

So, I thought I'd start my own blog. Hopefully it will help keep me on track and booze free. For the remainder of July and hopefully beyond. It's funny, I haven't successfully been able to stop drinking alcohol, wine in particular, forever it seems... but something has been been building up and somehow I managed to sign up to Dry July, and here I am - on day 5.

It's Saturday today. So it will be interesting to see how the weekend unfolds. No cravings so far (although I did open the pantry this morning and see an unopened bottle of Bailey's in there and fleetingly thought "why didn't we open and drink this before?!" Oh well... hubby can enjoy it!

I've never written a blog before so it will be interesting to see how this turns out...

Happy Dry July Day 5.

Just want to add that I changed my blog title.  Dry July has been my saviour so far, but it about more than that. Something DID have to give and it is about time that it did.

I also wanted to add, I have been following reading heaps of blogs but have no idea how to follow them! Hopefully, as time goes on I will become more familiar with the blogging world.

A x