Dreaming

Day 11.

I had my first sober dream last night. That is, not my first dream whilst being sober, but a dream about being sober. Firstly I have to mention that when I was downing a bottle of wine a night I wasn't dreaming much at all. Which is rather telling isn't it?! So, I've been dreaming a lot since I stopped drinking and it's quite amazing. Well, last night I dreamt that I was at an evening event at my son's school (not sure what the event was) but I remember thinking 'stuff it! I'm going to dance even though I haven't had a drink'. And so I started dancing to my hearts content. Not 'disco' dancing or 'night club' dancing, but ballet kind of dancing! I used to do ballet when I was younger and had aspirations of becoming a dancer (which sadly didn't happen. I ended up becoming a nurse) and imagined myself becoming the next Jennifer Beales from Flashdance! Anyway... so I'm dancing away and all the shcool kids are watching me.... and that's all I remember. But the thing is, I was SOBER in my dream. I'm not sure what this really means, if it means anything at all actually, but I just thought I would mention it as it's a first for me!

Last night DH did something to really annoy me. I seething away inside and really pissed off! Normally, this would be the perfect time to have a glass of wine. To 'calm my nerves'. Isn't this what anyone would do? But I didn't of course. I just stayed annoyed for a while, not talking to him much and we eventually went to bed. I'm not sure where we go from here. Normally it would just blow over until one night when I've had a a few too many and we'd have a big argument (started by me) and every past grievance would come up. Not the best way to deal with an argument I know, but there you go. It would be off my chest and we could move on. So, what happens now? I am excellent at bottling everything up and not opening up about my feelings. In fact, sometimes I think I am going to explode! But how to deal with this whilst being sober?! Guess I have a long way to go. I've read that becoming sober can be an emotional roller coaster; having to suddenly deal with all these feelings that have been previously drowned out my alcohol. I hope I am strong enough to deal with them. Hopefully having this blog to write down my feeling will help.

I quit smoking nearly 9 years ago. It was the 2nd time I'd given up smoking, the first having stopped for 2 years only to stupidly take it up again. This time round, I was determined not to do that again! And I had added incentive - I wanted to get pregnant. And I didn't want to be one of those pregnant women who struggle to quit and who secretly smoke on the sly, hoping no one is watching them. It was hard at first, but I did it. And I'm so proud of myself for doing it. But what I want to know is... Why is it ok to say 'I quit smoking' and everyone pats you on the back, whereas if you were to say 'I quit drinking' everyone would look at you increduously and ask why?! Now I know there are lots of people who drink normally. And these people couldn't possibly know what the internal struggle problem drinkers have on a daily basis. But why are people surprised when others give up alcohol? It can be just as deadly as smoking. In fact, as a nurse I look after lots of people who have cancer that is not just smoking related but alcohol as well. Why can't people see how serious drinking can be? Cigarettes are locked away behind the counters these days. There are hideous photos on the packets showing the damage they can cause. What if they started putting these kinds of photos on wine and beer bottles? Would people change their views on drinking? I don't know. But what I do know is that in the last few months when I'd been trying to cut down on my drinking, I started looking at bottle shops differently. I would look at all the rows and rows of bottles and think to myself 'they are just legal drugs in a bottle'. And it helped. Here I am on day 11. Still can't believe it!!

I finally bought Mrs D's book! In case you haven't heard of it (which is highly unlikely in the sober blogging world!) it's called 'Mrs D is going without'. I can't wait to get it in the mail! I must finish reading The Sober Revolution over the weekend, so I am ready to start the new book when it arrives.

I just want to thank those lovely people who have commented on my last couple of posts. It's nice to feel that I am not alone on this journey. That I am a part of a community. It helps a lot. So a big thank you :)

A x