Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Social gatherings and living alcohol free

Gosh, it's been a few weeks since my last post. I've been so slack!!

So, life goes on. Today I am on day 94. Three months since I last had a drink! Time has gone so quickly, I can't quite believe it! It will be Easter before we know it. Slow down time!

Anyway, I have been plodding along quite nicely. We have been taking advantage of the lovely summer evenings and going to our favourite park for bbq dinners. This used to be a great excuse (like I needed one!) to buy a bottle or two and enjoy a drink in such a beautiful setting. But now it's normal for me to just have diet coke and the experience is just as lovely, if not more so as I am really present in the moment. I love these evenings.

One day a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Her husband has been mates with mine for many years but we don't get to catch up much since we all had kids. Anyway, she invited us to their place to dinner the following night as they were having a dinner party. I was a bit nervous because I knew I wouldn't know many people there and I wouldn't have alcohol as a buffer. It turned out to be a pleasant evening, although it was tough at times. As soon as we got there, the wine and champagne was flowing, and in the past I would have had one straight away followed by many more. This time however I just told them I wasn't drinking at the moment (I still haven't been able to come out and say I have quit drinking. Maybe I don't really believe it yet?) They asked me if I was doing Febfast so I said yes, it just seemed easier. There was another couple there who we have met before but hadn't seen for about 5 or 6 years and who I was never particularly close to (the girl is one of those people who is hot and cold, friendly one day and not so much the next) so I was a bit nervous chatting to her, but it was ok in the end. But I will say this about the whole evening. I was super aware that I was the only one not drinking and I had to put a lot of effort into having conversations. It is so much harder without alcohol! Hubby had a few beers, which is fine as he doesn't have a problem, and everyone was drinking but no one seemed drunk. By midnight I was well and truly ready to go home!! I will be honest though and confess that the thought of having a glass of champagne was tempting. But I'm so glad I didn't. Because we all know it wouldn't have been just one glass of champagne!

Another interesting night we had was last Wednesday when we went to a local pub for dinner with C and her hubby. They have been having some family issues lately and it all came out that night. The beer and wine flowed (for them and hubby) and they got more and more vocal as the night wore on. I was happy to offer advice and feedback, and it was good because I could really listen. If I was drinking too I would have been louder and offering my opinion without really listening. By the end of the night though, I was thinking I would be the only one waking up without a hangover the next day!!

I was having a text conversation with my older brother the other night and he was telling me how proud of me he is. He also said he would love to be someone who doesn't drink or smoke, how drinking is such a time waster. I would love for him to enjoy the freedom of living without alcohol. He doesn't drink as much as I did but it's obviously bothering him. He is a single dad and has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his 2 boys, and he tries really hard to set a good example for them. He wants to break the drinking pattern that is so strong in our family history. I hope he can do it. Our other brother (the one who is a 'real' alcoholic) doesn't seem to want to get help at all. It's awful to watch him with his 12 year old son when he is drunk. I fear for both my brother and his son. I'm afraid my brother is going to have to hit rock bottom before realising that he has to stop drinking, and what that may entail.

Not drinking is becoming my normal. Going out to dinner, family functions and with friends without drinking is fine for me now. I still have triggery moments on occasion but they are fleeting. During these moments I play the tape forward and imagine what it would be like if I had that drink. This seems to be working for now. I hope it continues!

I had a horrendously buys shift at work last night! From the moment I was allocated my patients I knew it was going to be busy. Just the thought of all I had to do was overwhelming, so I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get through the day. Thank goodness some of the other nurses helped me, but it was still crazy busy. And it was exactly the sort of night that in the past would have sent me straight to the bottle shop on the way home! "OMG! I need a drink" would have been the first thought to pop into my head as I was finishing up and going home. But last night, even though the thought did pop into my head, I once again played it forward. What would happen if I stopped on the way home and got a bottle (no, it would have to be 2 in case hubby wanted a glass!) and I just didn't want to go there. Because I would end up drinking a whole bottle if not more and today I would have woken up hungover and feeling miserable and it's just not worth it. Nothing would make the night less busy, and I would lose today in the process. So, I got home late last night, had a little whinge to hubby, watched some tv and went to bed late. And I am tired today, but I am not hungover, and that makes all the difference.

When I reached 90 days I contemplated going to an AA meeting just to get a 90 day chip! For some reason, I really wanted one! But I didn't go. One day I will get there. But chip or no chip, 3 months is a great achievement! And I intend to keep going.

A x

Thursday, 4 February 2016


I need to make some changes. Quitting alcohol is wonderful, but there are other areas in my life that need improvement. For example: the INTERNET!! It is such a time waster. I got up this morning, took the little guy to school, got home and had some toast for breakfast, put the tv on, grabbed the laptop and sat on the couch. And there I've been all day. And it's 1.30 in the afternoon!!! Today was washing my hair day (which I hate!) and I had planned to do it straight after breakfast. I thought I'll do that, be on the computer for a bit, then I'll do some work around the house. But no, here I still sit. I finally washed my hair at 12.15, had some lunch, then came back on here.

It has to change! I am getting nothing done around the house, I feel lazy and I am not going to lose any weight sitting on my fat bum all day! It is so depressing. I need to find some motivation and get moving.

It's great that I am not drinking. I wake up tired (up late watching Nashville. God I love that show!!) but not hungover, which is still such a wonderful feeling. I am not hungover tired and miserable. I am not going back to bed and sleeping half the day. But I am not achieving anything else besides being sober. Some people say that is enough in these early stages of sobriety, but I want to do more. I want to feel motivated to improve other areas of my life. I want to have energy and purpose.

I feel stuck in a rut. But how to change?

I've been thinking of giving up the internet, but that's impossible. So, I need to cut back on my time on the computer. God, it feels like I have so many addictions! Diet coke, chocolate, the internet, tv and I am sure there are others. The thought of giving all these things up is overwhelming and impossible. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to begin. Because I don't want to live this way any more. I can't.

A x

Monday, 1 February 2016

Cruising along

The little guys started back at school today. Grade 4!! It doesn't seem that long since he started prep (you might know it as kindergarten) and now he is in middle school. How did that happen?! I was watching the mums of the newbies this morning and was a little sad that that won't be me again. Still, I have my beautiful boy and I am so thankful for that.

Today finds me at day 71. A drop of alcohol hasn't touched my lips for 10 whole weeks! It feels good to have those first difficult few weeks behind me. I am cruising along quite happily. I have fleeting moments of pure happiness (that elusive pink cloud maybe?) but mostly I just feel content. But as I mentioned in my last post, I don't want to get complacent. I read blogs, listen to the bubble hour, lurk on the Living Sober website and log in to the Hello Sunday Morning website most days, but is that enough? I still haven't gotten to a meeting, but now that the little guy is back at school I am hoping to get to one one of these days. Does it matter that I'm just cruising along? Should I be doing more? I don't know. I read about other people who give up drinking and they talk about their amazing new lives and how they find themselves, and how life is so much better. I am thrilled to be not drinking, but other than not drinking, my life is pretty much the same. I really want an amazing new life too, but I'm not sure it's going to happen.

We went to our friends place for dinner on Friday night. I told my friend C in advance that I still wasn't drinking because I didn't want any pressure to have a glass, but I needn't have worried. She told me she would join me not drinking as she was not long back from a booze filled holiday. So I was curious to see if she would stick to it. She ended up having 2 glasses of wine and then stopped. Normally she would have more, so I thought that was pretty good.  I was happy drinking my diet coke and we had a great night. Her husband had quite a few though! It's funny how you notice these things when you aren't drinking!

I'm kind of lost for words today. I want to blog more often but I just don't have words of wisdom to share. Maybe it's because I am tired today. One of my New Year's resolutions (why do I even bother with these?!) was to start going to bed earlier. But I got home from work last night at 10pm and I can't just go to bed. So I sat up and watched the rest of the mens final in the tennis, then a couple of episodes of Nashville (my new favourite show!!) So of course I'm tired. But I am not hungover and that makes all the difference!

A x