Thursday, 18 December 2014

If it's so great why do I feel so bad?

Today is the first day of the school holidays. I was going to take my son into the city to see the Myer Christmas windows. We were going to go on the train and it was going to be an adventure. We were going to have a great time.

Instead I am feeling sick with a dreadful headache and still in my pyjamas and have spent the whole morning in bed. My son has been on the ipod all morning and asking me when am I going to get up? I feel so bad for him. I told him mummy doesn't feel very well and that we're going to have a quiet day today instead. Thankfully he is a very resilient boy and is fine with that. But it's not right. I really wanted the first day of the holidays to be special.

Last night we went out for dinner with another couple and their son. We had a great time. My friend and I shared 2 bottles of wine together then hubby got me another one and I had more at home. Yes, we had fun last night, but it's just not worth feeling this bad for the next day. I started drinking again because I just couldn't handle the thought of never drinking ever again and I knew that there would be heaps of occasions over November/December where we would be catching up with friends who drink and I didn't want to be the only one not drinking. And it was fun. But why then do I feel so bad?

I really want today to be another day 1. And it might be for a while. But I just know that I will succumb again because the forever thing scares the hell out of me.

I think this problem is bigger than me and that I need to get some help. I just can't seem to admit it yet.

A x