Wednesday, 27 January 2016

I'm back and on day 66

Well, I am still here. Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I had my operation a couple of weeks ago and was in hospital for 2 days. Then mum stayed for a week helping me out, and then we went away to the beach for a week (my parents-in-law own a house near the beach, about an hour and a half away). We had my brother-in-law and his wife and kids staying too so I didn't have a chance to blog. But I have been reading all your blogs on my phone whenever I had a quiet moment to myself (which wasn't often with a house full of noisy kids!!).  But I'm back now. I've recovered pretty well from my op but I still don't feel 100%. I'm hoping it just takes a little time.

So, day 66 today! I wanted to buy myself a little treat for reaching day 60 (day 60 feels like a milestone of sorts for some reason) but I was away, but I might still get something. I was thinking of a ring from Pandora, ooh I love those! And tomorrow is my birthday so I must get my thinking cap on for ideas for Mr A. I normally hate my birthday because I am struggling with the thought of the next big 0 birthday, but I am trying to be grateful for them instead. A lot of people don't get the privilege of getting older so I shouldn't be complaining about it. Anyway, 48 is not so bad. It's actually a nice number. 8 is my favourite number so maybe that's why lol!

So anyway, day 66. I am in a different head space this time around. I am sure by this time last year when I did the 100 day challenge I was starting to think about the end date. Maybe not much, but I was definitely aware of it. This time, I am really thinking about why I stopped, and what it would be like if I started again. And for the first time, forever doesn't seem like an impossibility. It's still a scary thought, but I'm beginning to get my head around it.

I have to be honest though. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into my sobriety. But I know I mustn't get complacent because it is so easy to fall back into old patterns. One thing I've been doing though, is really thinking what it would be like if I started drinking again. And I don't want to go back to that place. Alcohol has been in my life for such a long time, and for most of that time, it wasn't my friend. I've done many things in my life that I'm ashamed of, things that I wouldn't have done if I wasn't drinking. My life could have been so different. And whilst that was a long time ago and nothing terrible has happened since I met my husband, there have still been occasions when I've done embarrassing things whilst drunk. This was before the little guy came along but still, a good reminder why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I have a problem with it, and nothing is going to change that.

Occasionally, a crazy thought will pop into my head. It says to me "maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you know you can't drink too much, but surely now you can just have a couple and it wouldn't have to be every night" But I know this is the wine witch talking. It isn't me. It's that evil wine witch, that monster, and she wants me to drink again and fall into old patterns and become someone I despise. I will NOT go back to that place, I just won't! Sober is so much better.

I still haven't gotten to a meeting. I just haven't had the chance. But the little guy is starting back at school on Monday, so maybe I will then. We'll see. I would like to get to one, just to see if it's for me. I know I need to work on my sobriety. I can't just cruise along and not put any work into it. That's when things can go wrong. And I don't want to be caught off guard. So, I'm going to try and blog more often, keep reading my books and stay vigilant. I want this to work this time.

A x

Friday, 8 January 2016

Dinner with friends. And my new addiction!

Day 47. Feeling a bit tired to day. It's because I stayed up till about 1.30am!! The reason for that is the little guy has been struggling to go to sleep on time and staying awake until well after 10, and even 11pm which, was the case last night. And because it's the school holidays you don't worry so much,, but it means that it's pretty late by the time he's asleep. So when I finally sit down to watch my show on tv (currently it's a show called Nashville. It's BRILLIANT!! It's on Netflix if you're interested) it's really late. Then OH will go to bed at around midnight or after so it's even later before I get a chance to check out my blogs. I know I should just go to bed after my show finishes, but hey! I've always been a bit of a night owl. Not drinking doesn't seem to be changing that!

Last night we went out to dinner with my friend C, her OH and their little guy. We had a lovely evening. They saw my diet coke and asked me if I'm still off the booze, and when I said yes they didn't mention it again. They had a few drinks over the course of the evening and we had a great time. It didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking. If I ever think a glass of wine would be nice I just remind myself what would aqually happen after having that 'glass' of wine. Because we all know that it's never just 'a' glass of wine. And playing it forward seems to be working for me. It takes the romance of that glass away. I need to constantly remind myself that I can no longer have a glass of wine. That I'm not a normal drinker and never will be. And I think it's slowly beginning to sink in.

I have a new addiction though. Although it's not really new. It's chocolate!! I just don't have an off switch! I made some chocolate chip chocolate muffins yesterday and straight away I ate 4 of them!!! (They are actually cupcake size though so I tried to convince myself it wasn't so bad. Actual muffins are much bigger) And by the end of the day I'd had 6 all together! (blushes with embarrassment!) Why can't I enjoy just one and then stop? Like 'normal' people? And soon I'll start to think it'll be better when they're all gone so I can't eat them any more which will give me a perfectly good reason to finish the rest of them! And then I will complain about my weight! It's so frustrating!  Any suggestions?

It was interesting at dinner last night. My friend C was talking about wanting to cut down on her drinking, about how easy it is to drink a bottle of wine a night. I wanted to tell her that I have some great books she could borrow, but I didn't. Because even though she sometimes talks about cutting down, she also says how drinking 'relaxes' her and I don't think she's anywhere near admitting she has a drinking problem (and she may not. I could just be making an assumption here). Still, I hope she sees me not drinking and still having a good time and learns something from it. Maybe one day I will tell her I have some great books she can read when she's ready. We'll see...

I'm off to the shops with the little guy today. I want to try and get a pedicure so my toes are nice and summer ready for my operation (because having painted toenails when you are lying on the operating table is essential!) I've decided to get the shellac polish because they will last for the rest of the school holidays (of which there are only about 3 weeks left!!) Also, it's a little treat for myself for getting to 47 days sober. I forget to give myself treats, so I thought I may as well start today.

Have a great day everyone :)

A x

Monday, 4 January 2016

A sober new year

First of all I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!! I can't quite believe that it's 1016! The years are flying by too fast and I can't quite keep up!

Secondly, I just want to apologise for not replying to your comments on my last posts. I have been away and didn't have a chance to get on my computer.

We got back home on New Year's Eve having spent a fantastic week in the country at mums with all my brothers and their families. It was absolutely wonderful! And the best bit is that I did it all sober!! I enjoyed a sober Christmas and it was such a special day. I got up to watch the little guy see what he got from santa. I wasn't irritable because I wanted to sleep more and I wasn't hungover. I got to see the joy on his face and be truly present in the moment. It was magical. And so so worth it!

I will be honest and admit that there were moments throughout the day when I thought a glass of wine would be nice. But I didn't give in and managed to enjoy the day without having any wine at all. Who would have thought it was possible?! And the beauty of it was that I got to wake up on Boxing Day without a hangover too. And every day afterward. I still had a wonderful time and got to do it all with a clear head.

My family were proud of me too, which is nice. My mum didn't say much about it but that's probably because I didn't say much about it. I just told them that I was having a break to lose weight and feel healthier. That was enough for now.

I felt really sorry for my brother B (he is the one with the drinking problem. I would say he is actually an alcoholic) He would start drinking early in the day, sitting outside by himself and smoking one after the other.  I really felt for my nephew too because he hardly got to spend any time with his dad (B is single so it is just him and his 13 year old son) B wouldn't go to the pool with all of us for a swim. He wouldn't play tennis with his son, or do anything with him really. My nephew really misses out and my heart just breaks for him. I watched my brother and felt helpless. He looked terrible and is so unhealthy. He hated the way our father was with his drinking yet he is exactly the same (without the violence and the coming and going). Why can't he see that? It is so frustrating to watch. I was shocked to see how much beer he consumed in a day. I have no idea how he affords to drink and smoke that much. It is mind boggling. I wanted to talk to him about it but I didn't know where to begin and was a bit nervous to. He desperately needs help.

Today finds me at day 43. I still can't believe it really. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was trapped in that boozy hell. Wanting to stop but not being able to. I'm just so thankful that I did.

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. But I guess I do have one. And that is to have a happy and sober 2016. I know I am going to have to work hard to make this a reality. It will take lots of self care and determination. I have been wanting to go to an AA meeting for a while now. I almost went once last year but didn't get there. So one of my aims for this year is to go to one. I am gong to wait until little guy is back at school so I can go to a day meeting. I want to keep it private for now. That may change further down the track, who knows. I will also try and write in my blog regularly. Sometimes I lose momentum with it and struggle to get back to it. I feel like I have nothing to say. But I know there is plenty to say. I want to delve into my inner thoughts more. Try and work out why I have this addiction in the first place. I have always pushed my feelings deep inside. Much easier than dealing with them. I may even look into seeing a therapist. We'll see.

I am having an operation next Monday. It is for my endometriosis, and I also have an ovarian cyst that needs removing. I had a similar procedure 3 years ago and I remember anguishing over whether or not to drink the night before. Of course the need for a drink won and I ended up having a few but desperately trying not to have too many. I was so worried that the anaesthetist would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath when he put me under. No need to worry about that this time! I do have a fear of something going wrong though, or of not waking up. It's very frightening. I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't be in as much pain post operatively and that I'll be able to get into some exercise. Maybe I will finally start to lose some weight!

Have a great day everyone and Happy New Year!!

A x