Day 24.
I haven't seen my dad for 26 years but I still feel very sad and lost. It's a strange feeling. Before, even though I didn't see him, I knew he was out there somewhere. Now he is gone forever. And despite everything, he was my father and he gave life to me. I'm so sad for him, he wasted his whole life because of alcohol. He just couldn't give it up and because of that he didn't have a relationship with half of his children and all his grandchildren. He died all alone. It's just so sad.... We are still waiting on news from the coroner before funeral arrangements can be made. I'm thinking I will go to the funeral and mum wants to go too, even though they separated many years ago. We want to support my brothers, who had seen him in recent years, especially my oldest brother who is really struggling. Also, I think I need closure.
I have regrets... Should I have forgiven him and made an effort to see him? Should I have let him see DS, his grandson? I don't know. My brothers said he was a mess every time they saw him. He still drank and his mind had gone - he even hallucinated at times and spoke of aliens. So probably better that I didn't see him. So many strange thoughts going through my head. There is no rule book for situations like this, you just have to muddle through.
Day 24 today. I haven't had a drink, even though I briefly thought one would be good. But it wouldn't have been just one, that's the problem. My oldest brother said he is very proud of me and that what I am doing is kind of a legacy for dad. I thought that was nice of him to say. My other brother (I have 3) is a big drinker, in fact, if he doesn't get help soon he may end up just like dad. It's so frustrating! Can't he see that?! He has been off work since we found out and he's been drinking all day, drowning his feelings in alcohol. But even though he may use this as a good excuse to be drinking, he'd be doing it anyway. I'm glad I have a clear head going through all this. I don't want it to be forgotten in a haze of booze.
My mum is staying with us still. I'm glad she wasn't all alone in the country when she found out. It's just been difficult to blog with her here. But that's ok. I'm sure I will make up for it once she's gone. I have a feeling I will have a lot to get off my chest.
A x
Angie. You have an awful lot to deal with. My drinking only went of the rails when my dad died 7 years ago. It doesn't matter how close you are it still takes its toll. Take care look after you and keep blogging.
ReplyDeleteCherie xx
How are you going Angie?
ReplyDeleteCherie xx
Thanks for your kind words Cherie. I'm ok I guess. Feeling very sad and have a million thoughts going through my head. Feeling like I should have done things differently. Maybe I should have forgiven my dad and had a relationship with him. He had an illness after all. I feel really guilty.We have the funeral tomorrow, which is going to be really hard. I really could have done with a drink these last few days.
ReplyDeleteMy father in law died on Friday. My husband and I have been sober for 7 months.
ReplyDeleteThis was unexpected and very distressing.
But neither of us are drinking and we both agree this is working out much better than it would have if we were drinking. Drinking brings out the unstable, irrational, misunderstandings that cause problems during times of stress.
Being sober and calm is better.
I'm sure hubby would have loved to numb the pain, but it just delays it, it doesn't remove it.
I'm thinking of you and hope you get through your situation peacefully.
Hi Anne, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your comment before, I only just saw it. I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law. Well done on you and your husband for being sober for 7 months. You must have been tempted! I agree about the alcohol numbing the pain and just delaying it. I'm glad I haven't done that either. It's hard but it's better to face your emotions I think. Thinking of you too. Ax
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