Wednesday 3 June 2015

Day 17


I've been thinking a bit more about my friend and her reaction to my not drinking the other night. I came across this post by the founder of the website Hello Sunday Morning (HSM) and found it to be really helpful. You can read it here if you are interested (hope the link works, I've only just learnt how to do that!) This particular paragraph really resonated with me "The important thing here is your sense of identity in you and your choices. In this equation, your sense of self and identity as a drinker is really the only variable you can change. Our history will stay the same no matter what we do - but our present, we have control over. The value other people place on alcohol will be what they place on it - this is not our job to change it. What is most important is our own choice and choices" How true is this?!! I'm going to try and remember this if I ever feel pressured to drink again. And it's so true that we can't change our history. I have so much regret about my past, and so many 'what ifs' in my life, but at the end of the day I can't change anything. But I can have control over the here and now, the present. So that's what I'm going to try and do.

Getting back to my friend, why is it so important to me what she thinks anyway? I have spent my whole life worrying what other people think of me and I'm just so sick of it!! I've never been good enough in my eyes. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not clever enough, not young enough, not rich enough, wrong clothes, wrong house, wrong job and the list goes on and on. I have read interviews of famous women who celebrate being in their 40's, saying that they are finally comfortable in their own skin, that they are wiser and no longer give a sh!t what other people think of them. And I've been waiting patiently for this to happen to me... and I'm still waiting. I still feel like an insecure 20 year old who craves approval. Is this to do with my drinking? Or is it to do with my childhood and the disfunction that resulted from having an alcoholic father. I have had self esteem issues since I was a young girl, and I just want to be normal. I long for happiness and inner peace. Maybe giving up drinking will give me some of that? I don't know, but I really hope so.

Day 17








9 comments:

  1. Wow! I love reading your blog because you are just like me. That last paragraph described me exactly. I didn't grow up with an alcoholic dad, but I'm sure there was dysfunction in there somewhere. I'm seeing a social worker who is helping me with this part and he is havering me do some meditation work so that my brain isn't ALWAYS in the flight or fight mode. Needs time to focus on what I'm feeling, notice how it feels in my body and then consciously think about reducing that to a more calm level. I've had to apply this to to a friend who really upset me the other night, to my inlaws who are coming out and I just need to remember that these people are who they are and it's not about me. Meditation helps me let go of those feelings a little easier. Very much a work in progress, and needs a lot more practice, but it's nice to have some tools to deal with it. So proud of you on day 17!!

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    1. Meditation is a great thing and something I want to get into. I am exactly the same. I seem to be in fight or flight mode ALL the time. I bought some magnesium yesterday and am hoping that it will help. It's such a stressful way to live isn't it?! I used to hate the expression 'work in progress' but I've changed my mind. It is so true when applied to us! And I hope that I will always be making progress. A x

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  2. Giving up drinking has brought me all that.
    I am comfortable in my own skin. I am confident in my decisions.
    Sure - I slip back into perfectionism and approval seeking sometimes, but I can see it now.
    I have to push Brene Brown here. Working through the gifts of imperfection really helped me see HOW. To do this. How to let the feelings of not being enough go and to find my own voice.

    You can too. Don't let the voice of the wine witch drown your own inner voice that is struggling to freee herself.

    It is an exciting and completely worthwhile change!

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    1. I have reserved that book from the library and am eagerly awaiting its arrival! I was thinking maybe I should just buy it though, what do you think Anne?
      The wine witch is pretty quiet at the moment but I know she is always there, so I'm not going to become complacent. It's happened before. And I don't want to go back to my old life.
      A x

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  3. I think also that the further you get from drinking the more you can see what was just because of alcohol and what are real actual issues that you can identify and work on...

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    1. I hope so Mtts. I really want to be able to identify my real issues without the haze of alcohol on board. I never thought I used alcohol to avoid personal issues, I just thought I drank too much. But the more I don't drink, the more I see that maybe I did, that by drinking I didn't have to face my issues and could pretend they weren't there. A x

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  4. Dear Angie,
    Focusing on what you can change now, so that your future is better!
    I don't drink today, so my tomorrow is brighter!
    xo
    Wendy

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  5. I love that Wendy! I might write that out and pin it up somewhere. I so hope it's true. A x

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  6. They say that drinking stops you from maturing emotionally so maybe there is a part of you that's still that insecure 20 year old but ... In time without alcohol numbing your mind you will find out who you really are and .... stop caring so much about the judgements of others x

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