Day 17

I've been thinking a bit more about my friend and her reaction to my not drinking the other night. I came across this post by the founder of the website Hello Sunday Morning (HSM) and found it to be really helpful. You can read it here if you are interested (hope the link works, I've only just learnt how to do that!) This particular paragraph really resonated with me "The important thing here is your sense of identity in you and your choices. In this equation, your sense of self and identity as a drinker is really the only variable you can change. Our history will stay the same no matter what we do - but our present, we have control over. The value other people place on alcohol will be what they place on it - this is not our job to change it. What is most important is our own choice and choices" How true is this?!! I'm going to try and remember this if I ever feel pressured to drink again. And it's so true that we can't change our history. I have so much regret about my past, and so many 'what ifs' in my life, but at the end of the day I can't change anything. But I can have control over the here and now, the present. So that's what I'm going to try and do.

Getting back to my friend, why is it so important to me what she thinks anyway? I have spent my whole life worrying what other people think of me and I'm just so sick of it!! I've never been good enough in my eyes. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not clever enough, not young enough, not rich enough, wrong clothes, wrong house, wrong job and the list goes on and on. I have read interviews of famous women who celebrate being in their 40's, saying that they are finally comfortable in their own skin, that they are wiser and no longer give a sh!t what other people think of them. And I've been waiting patiently for this to happen to me... and I'm still waiting. I still feel like an insecure 20 year old who craves approval. Is this to do with my drinking? Or is it to do with my childhood and the disfunction that resulted from having an alcoholic father. I have had self esteem issues since I was a young girl, and I just want to be normal. I long for happiness and inner peace. Maybe giving up drinking will give me some of that? I don't know, but I really hope so.

Day 17