Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Day 23

I just want to thank everyone for their comments and advice on my post yesterday about whether or not I should do Dry July. I am still undecided, so I think I will sit on in for a few days. I have the rest of June to decide, so I will let you know when I make up my mind.

I am home from work today because the little guy is sick. I hate seeing him unwell, he is just not himself. But he is a good sport and is not a complainer. Hopefully he won't grow up to develop man flu syndrome!

I have to say, it is so much easier looking after a sick child when you don't have to contend with a hangover. I have more patience, am not irritable, have more empathy and am just generally a nicer, more caring person when I'm not hungover. It's sad to think of the person I used to be. I can't believe I was that person. But I can't change what I did, I can only control the present and be responsible for my future. So that's what I'm going to do. Try and be a better person, and make my life count.

I was reading SoberMummy's blog about introspection and what people would say about her if she got hit by a bus tomorrow. I've wondered the same thing myself. I wonder who would come to my funeral. Obviously my family would, and the good friends I've made over the last few years. But who else? And would they have good things to say about me?

My dad died last year. He was all alone. He hadn't seen his family for a long time. He was an alcoholic who never conquered demons and it came at a hefty price. The only people at his funeral were 3 of his 4 children (actually, he has another daughter, my half-sister, but she hadn't seen him for years either and lives in Norway) and his ex-wife (mum). It was so sad. Even though I hadn't seen him for over 25 years, I still mourned him. For the man he used to be, and for the man he never was. For all the things he missed out on over the years because of his drinking. I pride myself for never being as bad as he was, but does that matter? Does it matter if you are just a little bit of an alcoholic as opposed to a really down and out bad one? I'm just so relieved that I'm trying to stop my drinking now, before it gets worse. Who knows what would happen to me if I kept drinking.

I want my son to grow up with two grounded parents. My husband and I are not perfect. We have our issues. But my giving up drinking is a huge start. I don't want our son to grow up with our issues. So it starts now. Our little guy is going to grow up knowing that you don't have to drink alcohol to have a good time. That it can be destructive if not taken responsibly. I hope he forgets as he grows older how much I used to drink. I'd hate for him to remember me like that.

A x

9 comments:

  1. Great post, Angie. You are so doing the right thing! Btw, remember what my Mum said: just in case you do get hit by a bus tomorrow, make sure you always wear matching underwear ;-) xx

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    1. Thanks SM. I don't wear matching bras and nickers anymore lol! I always tell myself I will when I lose some weight! Congrats on 100 days btw! A x

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  2. My thought. It doesn't really matter how bad we are. It matters how bad we feel.
    And we can always make things worse for ourselves. I'm sure that if you went back to when he was younger your dad never expected to sacrifice his life to alcohol....

    Scary, but real thoughts.

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    1. You're right Anne, it doesn't matter how bad we are. I used to tell myself that I wasn't as bad as my dad or my brother so I gave myself permission to keep drinking. But I was miserable. I feel so much better not drinking. I wish things had been different for my dad, but of course it's too late for him. But it's not too late for me. So I'm going to hold on to this new life and I am not going to give it up without a fight! A x

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  3. Angie, you are doing the best thing you can for yourself and your family. You're amazing. When you're kids are older they will look at what you've done for them and think you're amazing too!

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    1. Thanks Mtts. My son thinks I am amazing already, bless him. Just because I'm his mum. I want to REALLY be amazing for hi though. I want to be the best mum I can be. So that is what I'm working on. A x

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  4. Dear Angie,
    Being all there for your son and husband is the best.
    I used to see how alcohol affected children when I was teaching.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. We think kids don't notice that we drink, but we are so wrong. They don't miss a trick! I have messed up my life for too long. Now I want to be really there for my family. A x

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    2. And for yourself! I always thought I was a nice, successful person to others. A competent wife and mother. But not very nice to myself. And I was not proud of myself.

      Being able to have pride is a huge change. Sobriety lets that happen. And it shines out into every part of your life. What is good now will only get better and better.

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