Day 30 today. It feels good. I've been here before, 3 times in fact. But it didn't last. When I looked back at my blog posts, I realised that I didn't blog very often. I stopped after a week or so. And I think that made a difference. Blogging and the support it offers has helped me so much this time. When I did 42 days back in October/November last year, I only posted in my blog 3 times!! I did keep a hand written journal in a book by Lucy Rocca, so I was jotting down my thoughts. But it was a very private thing, with no support from anyone else. And I think that's why I didn't last. I'm learning that you can't do this on your own.
I haven't gone to AA but I know that they give you chips on the milestone days. I guess I would be getting one today! I like that idea. It's something to strive for. An acknowledgement of the hard work and effort you have put in. Giving up alcohol can be such a thankless task. People think you are giving up something, that you are living a lesser life. But I'm learning that you actually GAIN something when you stop drinking. And although you feel like you are giving up something and missing out in the beginning, a bit further down the track you start to gain so much more. I have read so many blogs now and read several books, and I can't wait for the magic to happen. To be on the other side, in that special place that people who have long term sobriety behind them talk about. Being on day 30 gives me hope that I will one day get there.
I'm still undecided about Dry July. I hate asking people for money. Last July I raised $201 for cancer patients, which was great! My family and friends were so proud of me for giving up drinking for a whole month and raising money for charity at the same time. By the time I did Ocsober, only my mum and aunty donated again. Whilst people knew I was doing Ocsober, I didn't want to make a big fuss about it, so I didn't press people to donate. It made me feel uncomfortable. And then earlier this year I did Febfast (and only lasted 23 days) and I got no donations. I wanted to give up drinking, so I used the guise of a well known charity event and hid behind that. I think I was going the wrong way about it. But I didn't know what else to do. I was wanting help but not knowing where to ask. I didn't want to come out and say 'I have a drinking problem', so doing these sobriety challenges for charity was a cover of sorts, without having to confess my problem. But good intentions rarely work, especially if they are for the wrong reasons. So I am thinking I won't do Dry July.... or maybe I will. I don't know!! Maybe now that I'm further down the track and will have 40 odd days behind me when I start, it will be for the right reasons this time. Guess I have more thinking to do!
I am working this afternoon, and I think I am in charge. I hate being in charge. It means you are responsible for the whole ward and I don't feel comfortable in this role. I long for the days when I can leave this job and do something less stressful.
Have a great day everyone. I am so lucky to have all your support. It helps me so much and I really appreciate it. I couldn't have gotten to 30 days without you guys :)
A x
Huge congrats Angie! You're amazing! Huge hugs from the other side of the world, SM x
ReplyDeleteThanks SM! 30 days feels good, like I'm finally getting somewhere.
DeleteA x
Do Dry July for yourself. End of. You are really doing great. Stop causing yourself stress over things like this. Make a decision and stick to it. Do it for yourself. Don't sign up to anything. Just know you are doing it for you. This is the right reason. Getting over-whelmed by decisions is a trigger for you. You need to simplify things for now. You should be very proud of yourself
ReplyDeleteYou are right Kats, I need to stop worrying about it. I am not drinking either way so it doesn't matter! Simplifying things sounds good. Thanks! A x
DeleteAngie, you sound like me. I really like to analyze everything. Sometimes it turns into analysis paralysis.
DeleteBut I also believe onowlegpdge is power.
My therapist says I hide my emotions with my intellect. lol
Perhaps it's a little of everything!
you can always pop into a meeting any time and ask for a 30 day chip, even if it has passed. Perhaps it will get you to walk into the doors just to see and hear a bit about Aa.
ReplyDeleteBut there's lots of time. I listened to myself on the bubble hour say it wasn't until March (or about 3 months sober) that I even admitted to myself I was a person in recovery. Not that I just quit drinking because it was negatively impacting me. I needed to quit drinking because it was progressively getting harder and harder to hold on to the little control I had and I hated myself every time I drank.
You are doing great. Your thoughts and views on yourself can change constantly. That is part of the excitement of life.
Even if it feels weird, hug yourself and thank you for giving yourself the gift of peace and healing for the past month. You deserve it.
Anne
I like that idea Anne. I might do that one day soon. If I can gather the courage that is. Something is holding me back from going.
DeleteI might give myself a hug. I am so hard on myself sometimes. Complicating things. The gift of peace and healing sounds good. It's time I game myself that gift.
A x
Maybe you should do dry July, but instead of asking for money, give the money you would have spent on alcohol for the month. I'm thinking that might be a huge incentive for me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you're right Nic. I might just do it unofficially. For myself. How are you going? A x
DeleteHaving a hard time ... Day one again today. Maybe I can do dry July. I'd like to do a dry summer!! I always look forward to reading about your journey! Thanks for sharing it here.
DeleteI'm sorry you're struggling Nic. Why don't you do Dry July? It really helped me last year.
DeleteIt's amazing how helpful it is to share my journey. Blogging has helped me so much this time. I feel like I have actually made progress. Who would have thought?!
I am with you on your journey too. Hang in there.
A x
Yay well done on day 30 x don't stress about July - you are stopping drinking for today for you and that's all youneed focus on you are doing amazingly well !
ReplyDeleteThanks Kags, yes, I am doing this for me and that's all that matters. I will not stress about July anymore!! A x
DeleteI would love to give you my 30 day chip!
ReplyDeleteBut here is a hug!
You are doing so well.
Maybe the dry July worked last year, but it's not for you this year.
You are in a different place now.
Focus on being healthy for you!!!
xo
Wendy
Hi Wendy,
DeleteYou are very sweet. Thank you.
I am going to focus on what is right for me and not worry about anything else!
A x
You're doing great Angie. I just have a thought, maybe forget about dry july. It sounds like it's putting alot of pressure on you. I know it's a good excuse to be sober but maybe, right now, that is something that you have to do for yourself. Do a be kind to me month, don't drink, have baths, do whatever exercise you can, buy a candle, some nice warm socks, download a box set, buy nice af drinks, walk a dog, pet a cat. You're so great to support me and I'm sure everyone else so how about you try to give yourself some of that love?
ReplyDeleteor bascially what un-tipsy teacher said! sorry! hadn't read that comment!
DeleteThank you Mtts, that's a lovely thing to say. I'm not used to being kind to myself. I guess because I have an underlying shame I feel I don't deserve it.
DeleteI bought myself a new oil burner yesterday because my old one broke. I also bought a lovely scented candle. They were a little present to myself. So hopefully I will one day get there and learn to be kind to myself.
All your support means so much to me. Thank you.
A x