So, I have the first Easter off work for years and instead of looking at the excitement on my sons face when he opened his Easter present and doing the egg hunt, I was in bed with a raging hangover. This is not how it's supposed to be. I feel so ashamed.
I've been drinking since the end of February. I did febfast and lasted 23 days but when we got to Queensland the temptation was too strong and I started drinking again. I think I had already talked myself believing that I couldn't possibly NOT drink whilst on holiday, therefore giving myself permission to drink. Which I did, every night for the two weeks we were away. Nothing disastrous happened. I woke with a sore head a couple of times but otherwise I was fine. And yet I wasn't. I wasn't at my best and I was disappointed that I couldn't at least finish febfast. It was only 5 more days.
So, back from my holiday and I tried to moderate, not drinking during the week. Which worked for a couple of weeks. Then my son and I drove up to visit mum in the country for a week and I've been drinking every night. Because I'm on holidays and I deserve it. Then my brothers and my husband arrived yesterday and they were drinking so I did too, even more than the previous nights. Hence my raging hangover today. I feel so sick and ashamed. I so hate this. All because I can't handle the thought of having to stop forever. Because I can't deal with forever I am living this awful existence and I'm sick of it. And yet I know that the day will pass and I will start to feel better and then I'll drink again tonight. How much longer can I keep doing this?