Day 19 today. Slowly plodding along. I'm trying not to think too much because when I do, I just get depressed about it all. I'm reading all these wonderful blog posts and wondering why I can't be like that. I know this is hard for everyone, but how do you get to that point of acceptance? I seem to be constantly struggling with it.
We went out for dinner last night with another two couples and their kids. It was a lovely evening. I just had a diet coke and that was fine. One of the other girls just had water because she is on a health kick (she isn't a big drinker anyway) My other friend C had a few red wines. She asked me at the start of the night if I was having a wine and I said no and added something about wanting to lose weight, and that was that. I didn't even think about having one. And yet, whilst I was fine not drinking last night, I couldn't help thinking 'but do I have to do this forever?'
I listen to the Bubble Hour every day. I read tons of sober blogs. I have sober memoirs on my bookshelf and am half way through another one. I log onto the Soberistas and Hello Sunday Morning websites and read about people's personal stories and more blogs. And yet I still struggle. I'm trying to concentrate on just 'today' and that seems to be working, but when I think of the future I just can't picture myself being sober forever.
It's my 11th wedding anniversary today and I am planning not to drink. We are celebrating next weekend instead by staying at the hotel where we had our reception (I mentioned this in my previous post) and this is the night I'm really worried about. Can I do this sober?
I am getting sick of myself. I am like a stuck record and I just don't know how to get it going again. Is this what people call a 'dry drunk'? I don't want to be a miserable person. I want to be happy. I yearn to be happy.
There is so much shit going on in my life that I don't talk about on here. Sometimes I wish I could just write about everything and get it off my chest. To unburden myself. There is not a single person who I can talk to about this stuff. It's getting harder and harder and it's beginning to take its toll. How much longer can I go on like this?
Sorry, I'm all over the place today.