Friday, 24 April 2015

All over the place

Day 19 today. Slowly plodding along. I'm trying not to think too much because when I do, I just get depressed about it all. I'm reading all these wonderful blog posts and wondering why I can't be like that. I know this is hard for everyone, but how do you get to that point of acceptance? I seem to be constantly struggling with it.

We went out for dinner last night with another two couples and their kids. It was a lovely evening. I just had a diet coke and that was fine. One of the other girls just had water because she is on a health kick (she isn't a big drinker anyway) My other friend C had a few red wines. She asked me at the start of the night if I was having a wine and I said no and added something about wanting to lose weight, and that was that. I didn't even think about having one. And yet, whilst I was fine not drinking last night, I couldn't help thinking 'but do I have to do this forever?'

I listen to the Bubble Hour every day. I read tons of sober blogs. I have sober memoirs on my bookshelf and am half way through another one. I log onto the Soberistas and Hello Sunday Morning websites and read about people's personal stories and more blogs. And yet I still struggle. I'm trying to concentrate on just 'today' and that seems to be working, but when I think of the future I just can't picture myself being sober forever.

It's my 11th wedding anniversary today and I am planning not to drink. We are celebrating next weekend instead by staying at the hotel where we had our reception (I mentioned this in my previous post) and this is the night I'm really worried about. Can I do this sober?

I am getting sick of myself. I am like a stuck record and I just don't know how to get it going again. Is this what people call a 'dry drunk'? I don't want to be a miserable person. I want to be happy. I yearn to be happy.

There is so much shit going on in my life that I don't talk about on here. Sometimes I wish I could just write about everything and get it off my chest. To unburden myself. There is not a single person who I can talk to about this stuff. It's getting harder and harder and it's beginning to take its toll. How much longer can I go on like this?

Sorry, I'm all over the place today.

A x





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17 comments:

  1. Ainsobriety24 April 2015 at 13:36

    Go to AA or Smart. There will be lots of people who will listen. And help.

    At day 19 I was not happy and free. I was mad and crazy and resentful and sad and scared. I wanted things to be back to normal. But I hated normal.

    Give yourself time. Explore all the options. Just don't drink. Because then you have to start again and you are moving forward now. Keep it going.

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie25 April 2015 at 19:59

      Thanks Anne. I have thought about meetings but at the same time the make me nervous. I do need someone to talk to. I've been thinking about seeing a therapist for a while now and I'm thinking it's time I look into it. Day 20 today. A x

      Delete
    2. Ainsobriety26 April 2015 at 06:10

      God, I love my therapist. I might keep her forever.
      Do it. You won't regret it.

      Delete
  2. Untipsyteacher24 April 2015 at 13:49

    It is still very early! When I was at that day, I struggled too.
    Do you have "real life" sober people to help you?
    Anne gave great advice!
    Be crabby for awhile, just don't drink!
    Just don't stop.
    Big Hugs!
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie25 April 2015 at 20:01

      Thanks Wendy. Yes, it's still early days. It's funny how in every other aspect of life time flies, but in sobriety it seems to stand still. Thanks for the hug. A x

      Delete
  3. SoberMummy24 April 2015 at 20:39

    Happy anniversary Angie! I know it's been said, but DO NOT LOOK AHEAD. Just focus on now and, eventually, the future will look different. At day 53 I already feel less horrified by the future than I did at day 19. Huge love SM x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie25 April 2015 at 20:01

      Thanks SM. I am trying to concentrate on just today and it's working for now. I hope I get to day 53!! A x

      Delete
  4. AllBottledUp25 April 2015 at 06:27

    Im only a few days ahead of you and COMPLETELY relate! I hate thinking about the future - HATE! I cant imagine what any milestones or celebrations or vacations are going to be like without my "old lover". Read my blog too...and LET IT OUT! We dont KNOW you...and we certainly dont judge you. Do the best you can TODAY, this hour, this very minute!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AllBottledUp25 April 2015 at 06:27

    Im only a few days ahead of you and COMPLETELY relate! I hate thinking about the future - HATE! I cant imagine what any milestones or celebrations or vacations are going to be like without my "old lover". Read my blog too...and LET IT OUT! We dont KNOW you...and we certainly dont judge you. Do the best you can TODAY, this hour, this very minute!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie25 April 2015 at 20:07

      Thanks AllBottledUp. I love your blog, I can really relate. Congrats on day 26 by the way! I have been concentrating on just today and it's working for now. I just hope I can keep it up! A x

      Delete
  6. Unknown29 April 2015 at 00:18

    DO NOT think too far ahead. It is FAR TOO SCARY.
    Having stress in your life will not be helped by drinking or a hangover.
    Do not expect too much of yourself. Of course you cannot accept that it is for a long time yet, I'm still coming to terms with that at 2 years+ and wonder if I, too, am what they call a dry drunk.

    You can still write down everything you want to about your life- you don't need to post it. It does help.

    If it makes you feel any better I am feeling a bit the same with my diet at the mo. STS 2 weeks, lose the next, STS 2 weeks, hopefully lose the next!

    Chin up. This too will pass. Focus on how you want to feel the Monday after your weekend away.

    Thinking of you.

    Rx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie30 April 2015 at 11:06

      Thanks Rachel. It's hard. I want to get things off my chest but I it's scary. I'm so used to bottling everything up. A x

      Delete
  7. Kats7629 April 2015 at 01:40

    Angie, I hope you are ok. I have not posted on your blog before, i have started following a few but mostly don;t have time to post comment. the trip to hotel seems to be causing you so much stress, can you just not go this year, maybe give it to someone. All of the things stressing you out seem very legitimate don;t downplay things. Be kind to yourself. I hope you are ok. Kats xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie30 April 2015 at 11:10

      Thank you for your concern Kats. I'm fine. I always have stress in my life but sometimes it all gets too much. I would really love to see a therapist, so that's my next step.I still want to go to the hotel tomorrow. It's just for one night. I will let you know how I go. A x

      Delete
  8. Ainsobriety29 April 2015 at 02:39

    Me too. Just checking in!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie30 April 2015 at 11:11

      Thanks Anne, I'm fine. Sometimes everything just gets to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I really need to look into seeing a therapist. I know this would help. A x

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete

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