Day 8 and feeling good today.
I worked last night and it wasn't as busy as last time so that was good. Hubby picked me up from work and on the way home he asked me if I'd like him to get some wine. I told him no, I didn't think so. He then asked me if I'd drunk the night before (you'd think he would know! But anyway..) and when I told him no I hadn't he said 'well done'. This annoyed me for a moment because I never say that to him when he has an af night. But then I thought about it some more. I don't ask him because he doesn't have a problem. Sure, some nights he could drink just as much as me, but it was different for him. He has the 'off' switch that I don't have and it makes all the difference. So when he says 'well done' it's not a bad thing. He's acknowledging that I've done well not to have a drink and I guess that means he is being supportive. I think deep down I would love for him to say that I don't have a problem therefore allowing me to drink. But that wouldn't be helpful. And I would be lying to myself as well as to him. It is what it is. I just have to accept it.
I logged onto Facebook this morning and up popped a photo from '3 years ago today'. It seems to be Facebook's new thing. Anyway, this particular photo was taken at a lovely picnic area that we used to frequent in the warmer months. We'd often go there and have a bbq for dinner and it allowed the little guy to run around in the park and we could all enjoy the great outdoors. Of course, alcohol would be had and that made it even more special. So in this photo the picnic table is set up with a table cloth, plates and cutlery and a lovely fresh salad in the middle. And of course, the obligatory plastic glasses of wine. In fact, I would often put photos from such occasions on FB so people could see how much fun we have as a family. Lovely evenings enjoying a picnic dinner. Look at us, we aren't stuck at home drinking in front of the tv. No, we are outside in the fresh air having a lovely time. And I would get lots of comments of course, because they were lovely photos. We still do have those picnics but not as much as we used to. And we've been a few times when I've not been drinking and it's been fine. But this morning, looking at the scene, with the wine glasses on the table, it made me sad to think I couldn't have that any more. But why? Why does having a glass of wine make that experience better? Isn't it supposed to be the people and the place and the experience? It's not the booze. And of course it wouldn't be just that anyway. Afterwards,we would go home and I would drink well into the evening and the next day I would feel rotten and suddenly it wouldn't matter how lovely it was to have a few drinks at the park. If I could have left it at that maybe it would have been fine. But I never did. And that was the problem. So I am going to look forward to our next picnic. I'm going to enjoy the company of my hubby and our little guy and appreciate the lovely park and make the most of the experience without the booze. Because I don't need it to have a good time.
So, a week sober. It feels good. And I realised this morning that this time I am doing it soley for me. This time I haven't signed up to a cause as an excuse to not drink for a month or two. This time it's just for me. And it feels good.