Here again

Here I am again. After feeling so dreadful on Easter Sunday I told myself that I can't go on like this. So, today is day 3. Feeling very tired as I didn't sleep much last night. Why do I keep putting myself through this? Knowing that the first few days are difficult but knowing they will pass. And yet I still go back. It's so frustrating.

I have just finished 6 weeks of long service leave. Aside from the drinking, it was lovely. I really needed a break from work. It's a hard job, nursing. And it's starting to take it's toll on me. I work on a very busy and heavy ward and the older I get the harder it is. My first shift back yesterday was particularly busy and I left work late and feeling miserable. I was so close to buying a bottle of wine on the way home. I struggled back and forth in my mind. I told myself that drinking a bottle of wine at 10 o'clock at night would not make me feel better. It would only make me feel like shit in the morning and I would hate myself for giving in. The first glass may have taken the edge off my stress but that would be it. It would have been downhill from there. But then I thought, so what? I'll just start again tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Back and forth, back and forth. I ended up driving past the late night bottle shop, then considered going back around the block and getting one after all. But I didn't. And I'm so glad today. I can cope with being tired. It's so much easier without having a bottle of wine in my system. And I'm another day alcohol free and that makes me feel good.

I know being alcohol free suits me better than drinking. I remember how good it feels to have several weeks alcohol free under my belt. Why then can't I keep going? The most I've lasted was 42 days. It felt wonderful and I was so proud of myself. Then I gave in. Even knowing how shit I would eventually feel again, I still gave in. Why does the allure of alcohol get me every time? It's so exhausting and I'm just so sick of it.

A x