Wednesday 8 April 2015

Here again

Here I am again. After feeling so dreadful on Easter Sunday I told myself that I can't go on like this. So, today is day 3. Feeling very tired as I didn't sleep much last night. Why do I keep putting myself through this? Knowing that the first few days are difficult but knowing they will pass. And yet I still go back. It's so frustrating.

I have just finished 6 weeks of long service leave. Aside from the drinking, it was lovely. I really needed a break from work. It's a hard job, nursing. And it's starting to take it's toll on me. I work on a very busy and heavy ward and the older I get the harder it is. My first shift back yesterday was particularly busy and I left work late and feeling miserable. I was so close to buying a bottle of wine on the way home. I struggled back and forth in my mind. I told myself that drinking a bottle of wine at 10 o'clock at night would not make me feel better. It would only make me feel like shit in the morning and I would hate myself for giving in. The first glass may have taken the edge off my stress but that would be it. It would have been downhill from there. But then I thought, so what? I'll just start again tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Back and forth, back and forth. I ended up driving past the late night bottle shop, then considered going back around the block and getting one after all. But I didn't. And I'm so glad today. I can cope with being tired. It's so much easier without having a bottle of wine in my system. And I'm another day alcohol free and that makes me feel good.

I know being alcohol free suits me better than drinking. I remember how good it feels to have several weeks alcohol free under my belt. Why then can't I keep going? The most I've lasted was 42 days. It felt wonderful and I was so proud of myself. Then I gave in. Even knowing how shit I would eventually feel again, I still gave in. Why does the allure of alcohol get me every time? It's so exhausting and I'm just so sick of it.

A x

6 comments:

  1. Quitting is hard -- that's why there are so many of us here, right? I'm impressed you got to the bottle shop and had the strength to leave. You know you can do 42 days, and you know you feel better without drinking. I give myself lots of sober rewards, that helps me. and lots of sleep.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. And you are so right, quitting is damn hard!! I have never done the treat thing. Maybe that's something I should consider? A z

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  2. I am on my day 102 (except for a slip up on day 98) after trying to stop/moderate etc. for decades. Despite my meltdown on Sunday I truly believe that you need to do this length of time to change your thinking. I can only compare it to how I imagine hypnotism works. When I look at alcohol now I don't think of how lovely it looks and will taste, and how I desperately miss it. I now see the cost, and begrudge it. I also think of how awful I will feel the day after and after three months without a hangover, to induce one deliberately, feels wrong. Then there's the thought of it slowly poisoning me, eroding my precious health. I never imagined this would happen or that I could feel so different about a drug I have loved since I was 15 (I'm 52 now). But stick with it and I hope you find that your thinking changes too. And treat yourself regularly :)

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    1. Thanks Sarah62. You are doing so well! I would so love to get to 102 days. It seems so far into the distance and almost impossible. Hopefully one day I will get there. A x

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  3. Yes. This time add treats and self care. And check into meetings around you. At some point investigating all avenues is worth the time.

    I never thought I would have a fun sober life. And my husband, he has a jack fpdaniels tattoo! Drinking has been part of our lives. But now that we are sober it is easy to see that we were really missing out on the joy. We often marvel at the huge shift in perspective we coth have without a haze of booze around.
    You can do it. If you need any motivation I am always available at ainsobriety@gmail.com

    Anne

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    1. Thank you Anne. I really appreciate your support. I hope I can one day experience the joy you describe. It feels so overwhelming sometimes, but I am going to keep trying. A x

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