Thursday, 16 April 2015

An achievement

Another beautiful Autumn evening and another bbq at the park. Yesterday hubby rang me during the day asking me if I wanted to ask our friends along. I hesitated because this is my friend who likes to drink and I thought it might be putting too much pressure on myself. But then I thought no, I can do this. So I rang my friend (who I will call C) and she said they'd love to join us. But I made a point of telling her that I wouldn't be drinking but I didn't mind if she did. I just told her that I was having a break and it was no big deal. So, we met them at the park and it was such a beautiful evening. I didn't mind when C poured herself a glass of wine and the boys had their beer. But I have to be honest and admit that I was sad about it. I thought, I can do this today. I have committed myself to having a break. But can I do this forever? There will be many occasions just like this one and it's going to be bloody hard! I can't just stay home and never go anywhere. And it's just the park, it's hardly a restaurant where there are heaps of people drinking. Do I really need to do this forever? What if I just drink on special occasions? All the usual questions we ask ourselves when we try and bargain with ourselves. But I didn't drink last night and I'm not going to drink today. I'm not going to worry about forever just now because that's what's derailed me in the past. It was a lovely evening and I whilst I felt a bit left out I didn't let it spoil my night. And our friends didn't make a big deal about me not drinking, so I know when we go out with them again it won't be a problem. So, an achievement I think.

Something I need to start doing is going to bed early! I read all these lovely blogs where people go to bed early with a book and are getting lots of lovely, restorative sleep. Self care I believe it's called. I really need to start doing this. I get so frustrated in the evenings because we have been struggling to get the little guy to bed on time. And by the time he goes to sleep it's late and then I want to sit up and catch up on my shows. So of course that means it's late when I get to bed and I feel tired all the time. It was one thing when I was drinking because there was a reason for feeling tired all the time, but I was hoping that I would start to feel better once I stopped. But I have to remind myself that the effects from years of drinking isn't going to go away overnight. It will take time.

I was sad to see that one of the blogs I've been following has been shut down. I've seen this happen to a few blogs since I started on this journey and it saddens me. I wonder how these women are going now? Are they happy? Did they succeed or are they still struggling with their sobriety? It's such a personal journey and yet when we blog we open ourselves up and let people into our lives. And we get to know each other a little bit. So, when someone disappears it feels like you've lost a friend in a way. I just hope that they are ok and hope they know that we are always here if they need our support.

A x


  1. I'm always sad to see bloggers disappear too. Each and every one of you has a place in my heart.
    Here's my honest advice-consider asking your husband to not drink around you temporarily. Every time you subject yourself to those early feelings of deprivation and annoyance it is hard. Hard on your heart and mind.

    Forget about forever. Just focus on now. One day at a time. And right now you might need a little protection and kindness. Always being strong is tiring.

    Eventually you might look at the option of having a glass of wine as useless. Poison poured on an otherwise bright and fulfilled life.

    Until then make it easy on yourself.

    Don't give in to those thoughts. Give yourself some time to really experience life alcohol free.


    1. I actually don't mind that my husband has a couple of beers and it's not every night. I just sometimes (well, a lot actually!) wish I was a normal drinker and could have just one or two. When I'm not drinking hubby cuts right down on his drinking, so it benefits the both of us.
      I am trying to think of alcohol as poison. Because essentially, that is what it is. I just have to remind myself of that when I wish I could have it!
      I really want to experience an extended period of sobriety to fully appreciate what an AF life is like. Hopefully I'm getting closer.
      Thanks Anne, I appreciate your advice. A x

  2. Well done Angie - you rock! You know, when I stopped smoking 30 a day 13 years ago I really, really wanted to be a 'social smoker', but I knew I could never have just one. For a couple of years the idea of the 'occasional' ciggie was like nirvana. Now it seems like a really, really stupid idea. Why on earth would I want to smoke one of those yucky things??? One day, one day I hope I will think the same about alcohol. Is that how you feel Anne?

    1. Thanks SM. I too used to smoke, at least a packet a day. I knew I could never ever be a casual smoker. Not sure why I think I could possibly be a casual drinker! Somehow it doesn't seem the same. Why does society treat drinking differently? I don't think of myself as a smoke-aholic! Yet it is different. It doesn't really matter why it just is. And the sooner I accept it the easier it will be (hopefully). A x

  3. That is how I feel.
    When I think about drinking now I see it as a path back to depression, regret and sadness. I don't want to go back down that path.

    I am free.

    1. I am free... I love that. I hope that I too can one day be free x

  4. Another great blog ( I've been following sober mummy and saw a link to this site too) it has certainly made me stronger and less alone in not drinking knowing that there are some fabulous ladies out there all pretty much with the same backgrounds and lives as me all facing this same challenge x thanks for the company and blogs x happy weekend everyone x

  5. Thanks Kags for your comment. It helps me too knowing that I am not alone and that we are all in this together somehow. Hope you've had a great weekend. A x