Thursday, 14 August 2014

Happy and frustrated

Day 3 today. I'm thrilled to be on day 3 but also frustrated that I am not on day 45. But I guess I have to get past that. It was my choice and I have to live with it. I have to learn from it and move on and not let myself be in that position again. It's frustrating too having to go through the difficulty sleeping and tiredness and weird dreams that I went through when I stopped before. But I have to remind myself that I had only stopped for 32 days and that isn't very long when you have been drinking so much for as long as I have. But I do know that I will eventually start to feel better. It was just a blip and hopefully a lesson well learned.

I'm finding Mrs D's Living Sober website really helpful. It's great being able to chat with like minded people. People who understand exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. It's good to know you are not alone. And even though I knew that from reading all the wonderful sober blogs, I like the interactiveness (is that even a word?) of it.

I told dh that I was going to sign up for HSM. I also told him that it might be for longer. He knows (obviously) how much I used to drink but I don't think he understood the extent of my problem. He would often drink as much as me but then he could easily go a night without. It's hard for people who like a drink but who don't have that internal battle going on inside their head to understand what it's like for people like us. I look at my friend who also likes a drink and wonder if she has that inner battle too or if she just likes to drink but can then stop easily if she wants to?

When July was over and I decided that I could moderate, my first thought when I entered the bottle shop was 'I haven't been in the drug shop for a while'!! Honestly, those were the exact words that went through my head. And even though I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interests I still went ahead with it. I drank most nights for the next 10 days but didn't enjoy it much at all. It tasted awful and made my head feel foggy and strange. It wasn't a nice feeling. Even my beloved bubbly didn't have the same zing that it used to have. So here I am again. But I know now that moderation isn't for me. Had I listened to everyone who has gone before me and said that moderation doesn't work I could have saved myself a lot of angst. But I can't go back and change it. So, I am moving forwards and am not going to be too hard on myself. I am back on the wagon and that's the main thing!

A x


  1. Sounds like you are on the right track.
    Maybe you could try to get your brother to go to an AA meeting with you? Who knows, you might get sober together!

    Sometimes our loved ones might see we are drinking too much, but not mention it. Plus, they don't hear the guilt, regret and frustration that goes through our heads when it comes to alcohol. It is a compulsion to drink and it does lessen as your stay away from it.
    The more honest you are with your husband the more support you may find!
    On to day 4!

  2. Thanks Anne. I have a problem with bottling up my feelings. It's something I have to work on and am hoping as I get further along on this journey I will get better at. It's tricky with my brother. He lives on the other side of town and I don't think he would go to a meeting. He was seeing a councellor for a bit which his GP organised but since our dad died his drinking is worse than ever. I don't know what to do to help him. I think he would need rehab, but how to get him there is the problem.