Day 3 today. I'm thrilled to be on day 3 but also frustrated that I am not on day 45. But I guess I have to get past that. It was my choice and I have to live with it. I have to learn from it and move on and not let myself be in that position again. It's frustrating too having to go through the difficulty sleeping and tiredness and weird dreams that I went through when I stopped before. But I have to remind myself that I had only stopped for 32 days and that isn't very long when you have been drinking so much for as long as I have. But I do know that I will eventually start to feel better. It was just a blip and hopefully a lesson well learned.
I'm finding Mrs D's Living Sober website really helpful. It's great being able to chat with like minded people. People who understand exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. It's good to know you are not alone. And even though I knew that from reading all the wonderful sober blogs, I like the interactiveness (is that even a word?) of it.
I told dh that I was going to sign up for HSM. I also told him that it might be for longer. He knows (obviously) how much I used to drink but I don't think he understood the extent of my problem. He would often drink as much as me but then he could easily go a night without. It's hard for people who like a drink but who don't have that internal battle going on inside their head to understand what it's like for people like us. I look at my friend who also likes a drink and wonder if she has that inner battle too or if she just likes to drink but can then stop easily if she wants to?
When July was over and I decided that I could moderate, my first thought when I entered the bottle shop was 'I haven't been in the drug shop for a while'!! Honestly, those were the exact words that went through my head. And even though I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interests I still went ahead with it. I drank most nights for the next 10 days but didn't enjoy it much at all. It tasted awful and made my head feel foggy and strange. It wasn't a nice feeling. Even my beloved bubbly didn't have the same zing that it used to have. So here I am again. But I know now that moderation isn't for me. Had I listened to everyone who has gone before me and said that moderation doesn't work I could have saved myself a lot of angst. But I can't go back and change it. So, I am moving forwards and am not going to be too hard on myself. I am back on the wagon and that's the main thing!