Wednesday 6 May 2015

A post I didn't want to have to write

I don't want to write this post. In fact, I thought about not writing it and instead carrying on as if nothing had happened. But of course I couldn't do that. I wouldn't only be lying to you guys, my wonderful support team, but I'd be lying to myself too. And that wouldn't be helpful at all.

So, you have probably guessed by now that I drank. I am so disappointed in myself. But in a sad way, I think I knew I would. My husband and I were celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary. (I mentioned in an earlier post how every year we get a complimentary stay at the hotel where we had our wedding reception) We get to check in early in the afternoon and if it's a nice day we usually get a bottle of sparkling wine and some biscuits and cheese and dips and have it by the lake which across the road from where we stay. My husband asked me what we should get to drink and even said if I didn't want to drink, he would go AF too. So I had the perfect excuse not to. But what did I do?! I told him no, I think I would drink. It was a beautiful, sunny Autumn day and perfect for a champagne by the lake. And it was a celebration after all. Blah blah blah. I had been agonising about it for days beforehand, and yet I gave in just like that.

And it was a lovely day. We had a few drinks by the lake and then some more at dinner, and it was fine. I didn't disgrace myself. I didn't have a hangover the next day. But as I was sipping my drink and getting a warm buzz, I felt disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to abstain and enjoy the moment without alcohol. I had a few wines over the next few nights as well because why not? I had fallen off the wagon anyway, I may as well make the most of it. So, 25 days booze free and feeling really good about myself, and now back to square one. I didn't drink last night but I am going out to dinner tomorrow night with some girlfriends and I'm already thinking I will have a couple.

So, now I'm back to that mindset of trying to moderate. I don't have to give up forever. Why should I? I might drink a bit too much sometimes but doesn't everyone? I'm not an alcoholic. I don't need to be in recovery because I don't have a disease. I don't even thinking of my drinking again as being a  relapse. All this sobriety terminology doesn't apply to me. I'm making too big a deal about this having to quit thing. I'll just drink for a while and then have a break again. I have done it before so I know I can do it.

I'm sorry I've disappointed everyone. And thank you for your comments on my last post. I'm sorry I didn't reply to them, but I didn't want to have to admit that I'd had a drink.

Is it possible to have time out from sobriety? It just all seems too hard sometimes. I know I am a weak person for thinking this way. I should be stronger and trying to work harder on my emotional growth. I must be lazy because I don't think  I have the energy to keep trying. Not today anyway.

I was reading Mrs D's fabulous new post and she is so inspiring. I even made a comment that I should print it out and put it up somewhere to remind myself that living sober doesn't mean you have to be miserable and boring. Yet I'm still doubting myself. That I can do it for the long term.

I sometimes feel like I'm going around in circles. Like I'm on a constant merry-go-round. Will I ever be able to get off it?

A x


16 comments:

  1. You didn't disappoint anyone. I understand you so very well. I've been in your situation so many times. I just simply got tired of constant internal battles with myself. Drinking is always fun when we drink. But afterwards? All the guilt and self-loathing.
    I know I cannot moderate but yet I try. and fail. And try again. I also read Mrs D's post today, and boy did I need it.
    Don't give up on yourself. You will be able to get out of this circle. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you. It feels good to know I'm not alone and that others are going through the same thing. I will NOT give up on myself!! A x

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  2. Hi Angie! Please don't beat yourself up. Can you just put it down as a blip and keep going? The wine witch only wins when she persuades you to carry on drinking 'because now you've screwed up, you might as well just keep on drinking.' It needn't be more than a pot hole in the road... Big hugs SM x

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    1. Thanks SM. I guess I could call it a blip but it was several days of drinking. But I am going to learn from it and am hopefully one step closer to getting to where I want to be. A x

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  3. Absolutely agree with sobemummy! Keep going and don't let this get you down. I've been right behind you in sober days and have also had a blip, but I know if I keep having just a glass or two it won't be enough in a couple of days, and it will be ten times harder to quit. I'm not a writer so I don't blog, but you all are my blogging voice, my "me too" moments in my day. Keep going, I love hearing about how you're doing ... Good or bad, you are an inspiration and a very brave women!!
    Hugs from the northwest!

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    1. Thanks Nic. It feels lovely to have support and know I'm not alone. I will keep writing because I think it helps. What day are you up to? Thank you for your kind words. A x

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    2. 21 days, but I had a blip so maybe I need to start again at day one. I don't know. I'm happy for the twenty days so I hate to just erase them. They are important for me so that I can continue on my journey. So for now, I'm keeping them. : )

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    3. 21 days is awesome! I think we get so obsessed with counting days that when we do have a slip we tend to concentrate on day 1 again and disregard the previous amount of sober days. They all add up and are days we haven't been drinking so they are very important. Having said all that, I still count days! But yes, you should hang onto them! A x

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  4. Hi Angie, So sorry you seem to be going thru a really tough time, i'm sure that post was hard to write. well done on your bravery. So many people seem to get caught in a cycle of being miserable drinking and and perhaps even more miserable not drinking.. That was me, I was there many times. Going to the hotel just seemed an insurmountable task for you to abstain from drinking, it seemed to cause you so much stress and you seemed so on edge i am not really surprised. i would have downed the bottle!! Its not to say you were wrong to go, maybe it had to happen and if it wasn't that it would have been something else...would it? I think you need to go easy on yourself. Maybe take sometime out from thinking about it so much. It has to be very stressful on you. You did fantastic for 25 days....really. there is no reason to think you can't do it again. Just pick a day and start over. give yourself a break. Decide what you want and go for it. Its not easy but its doable. you did it before and can do it again if its what you want. Bought a card for my friend today who lost her brother with a chinese saying on it 'to get through the hardest journey, we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping'. I thought of you. Kats xx

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    1. Thanks Kats. Yes, I have to remember that I did 25 days and that is pretty awesome. I like your quote. One step at a time sounds achievable. Thank you for thinking of me. A x

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  5. Dear Angie,
    My motto was never give up.
    It took me a few years until I was ready to make a change.
    Only you can decide when you have had enough.
    The hardest one for me was the celebrating part of drinking.
    You are worth the fight.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thank you Wendy. I will never give up trying. Even if I feel like it sometimes! Yes, it's the celebrations and holidays that seem to get to me. I can handle most other situations. Thank you for your kind words. A x

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  6. Hi angie don't think you've let anyone down you haven't at all - it's hard work and just because you've had a few drinks it hasn't been all lost - don't let the wine witch lure you in again you did 25 days before so you know you can beat her x take it one day at a time don't think about the next time when you may be tempted be easy on yourself and just think about how you will deal with today x have you read Jason vales book it has really helped me and others x

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    1. Thanks Kags. I know the wine witch is very loud at the moment ant that she has a lot to do with my way of thinking at the moment. One day at a time sounds good. Yes, I've read Jason's book and I found it helpful even if I didn't agree with all his ideas. I am not going to give up. A x

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  7. The one great comfort I have gotten on this journey, is that all those feelings of weakness I had and those moments of doubt, are shared by every single person that walks this path. Mrs. D and I started within a week of each other and held each other's hands through those hard early days, we sure didn't feel bullet proof. You are no different. You are going to slip up, you don't have to apologize, but eventually you'll have enough slip ups to learn that they're not worth it. You will get there. I read your most recent post about your night out and the sentence that caught me was when you said at least the dinner wasn't ruined by your having wine. That is such a turn around in the thought process, most people early in this journey are worrying that the dinner is going to be ruined because they're not drinking. That, my girl, is progress.

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  8. Thanks Kary May, your words give me comfort. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone and that many many others have walked this path before me. And that there is hope. So I will keep plugging away. And hopefully each step will bring me closer to where I want to be. I really hope I am making progress. A x

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