I don't want to write this post. In fact, I thought about not writing it and instead carrying on as if nothing had happened. But of course I couldn't do that. I wouldn't only be lying to you guys, my wonderful support team, but I'd be lying to myself too. And that wouldn't be helpful at all.
So, you have probably guessed by now that I drank. I am so disappointed in myself. But in a sad way, I think I knew I would. My husband and I were celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary. (I mentioned in an earlier post how every year we get a complimentary stay at the hotel where we had our wedding reception) We get to check in early in the afternoon and if it's a nice day we usually get a bottle of sparkling wine and some biscuits and cheese and dips and have it by the lake which across the road from where we stay. My husband asked me what we should get to drink and even said if I didn't want to drink, he would go AF too. So I had the perfect excuse not to. But what did I do?! I told him no, I think I would drink. It was a beautiful, sunny Autumn day and perfect for a champagne by the lake. And it was a celebration after all. Blah blah blah. I had been agonising about it for days beforehand, and yet I gave in just like that.
And it was a lovely day. We had a few drinks by the lake and then some more at dinner, and it was fine. I didn't disgrace myself. I didn't have a hangover the next day. But as I was sipping my drink and getting a warm buzz, I felt disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to abstain and enjoy the moment without alcohol. I had a few wines over the next few nights as well because why not? I had fallen off the wagon anyway, I may as well make the most of it. So, 25 days booze free and feeling really good about myself, and now back to square one. I didn't drink last night but I am going out to dinner tomorrow night with some girlfriends and I'm already thinking I will have a couple.
So, now I'm back to that mindset of trying to moderate. I don't have to give up forever. Why should I? I might drink a bit too much sometimes but doesn't everyone? I'm not an alcoholic. I don't need to be in recovery because I don't have a disease. I don't even thinking of my drinking again as being a relapse. All this sobriety terminology doesn't apply to me. I'm making too big a deal about this having to quit thing. I'll just drink for a while and then have a break again. I have done it before so I know I can do it.
I'm sorry I've disappointed everyone. And thank you for your comments on my last post. I'm sorry I didn't reply to them, but I didn't want to have to admit that I'd had a drink.
Is it possible to have time out from sobriety? It just all seems too hard sometimes. I know I am a weak person for thinking this way. I should be stronger and trying to work harder on my emotional growth. I must be lazy because I don't think I have the energy to keep trying. Not today anyway.
I was reading Mrs D's fabulous new post and she is so inspiring. I even made a comment that I should print it out and put it up somewhere to remind myself that living sober doesn't mean you have to be miserable and boring. Yet I'm still doubting myself. That I can do it for the long term.
I sometimes feel like I'm going around in circles. Like I'm on a constant merry-go-round. Will I ever be able to get off it?