Day 14..again

Today I find myself at day 14.... again. I remember last time it felt like a milestone of some sort. I guess because I was doing Dry July it was an almost half way point and other people doing it were beginning to count down the days to the end of the month. I was hoping to continue which of course I failed at. I lasted one extra day and then succumbed. I really did want to keep going. I planned to. But I guess it was early days and I wasn't that strong yet.  And maybe I needed that slip up to strengthen my resolve and to get me here again.

It was a crazy month and I am proud of myself for completing the challenge and going 32 days without alcohol. I was certainly tested when I found out my dad died 3 weeks in. Everyone said it would be ok to have a drink. That it would be understandable given the circumstances. But I stayed strong and didn't have one. I even poured mum a Bailey's as she was really upset and I thought it might help her 'relax'. I wasn't even tempted to have one. Then flying to Adelaide for the funeral, a small sad affair with just mum, 2 of my 3 brothers and me (All dad's siblings live in Norway so weren't able to be there). Even though I hadn't seen my dad for many years it was still so very sad to see his coffin and to know that his body finally succumbed to the deadly drug alcohol. So very sad for a life lost. For not knowing his beautiful grandchildren. For sacrificing his whole life for booze. I'm glad I went though, and got closure. I would have always regretted it of I hadn't gone. So that was a very testing time. And yet I stayed strong and didn't drink. Well, not for another week anyway. So I know I can do it. I just have to stay strong and remind myself why I am doing this.

I remember years ago when I was a smoker, a colleague who had given up smoking had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, but what I remember is that she said to me if she didn't take up smoking again after such a tragedy then she could safely say that she would never smoke again. I remember thinking 'wow, I can't imagine giving up smoking let alone not smoking when something awful like that happens!' I eventually gave up smoking myself 9 years ago and have never been tempted to take it up again even through life's ups and downs. But I'm not sure if it's the same for drinking. Because even though I was able to stay strong when my dad died, I wasn't able to be a week later. And who knows what will happen this time around? I'm hoping that I can stay strong and not drink even when life throws me a curve ball. Which will surely happen because that's just life. But I am going to keep blogging, keep reading sober blogs and books, stay active on Mrs D's website Living Sober and actively work at staying sober. Otherwise I might just slip up again and I really don't want that to happen!

A x

Happy Saturday

Hello blog, it's been a while! Sorry for neglecting you. I'm still here, just been slack with jotting my thoughts down. It's day 12 today. It feels good to be in double figures again. It means I'm getting further away from that last drink.

I'm feeling happier. Last week I was feeling flat and really depressed. Questioning my decision. Do I really need to be doing this? Was I really that bad? Surely I'll be ok now? Now that I know how good being sober feels surely I will be able to moderate? But of course I know the answer to these questions. I am here for a reason and I have to keep reminding myself what those reasons are. It's amazing how as time goes by you forget how bad things were. You forget how awful the hangovers were, how you never got anything done. How much time you wasted. How unmanageable your life had become. I don't want to get back on that roller coaster. I like here, with my feet firmly on the ground. It feels safe and comforting. I may feel unsteady for a bit while I get my balance back but that's ok. I'll get there.

Day 5... Again

So, here I am on day 5 again. It is exactly 6 weeks since I started my blog, full of enthusiasm and hope for an AF future. I lasted 32 days before I decided I was 'fine' and started drinking again. So glad to be back here again!

I had a really flat, depressing day yesterday. I just had no motivation and couldn't get out of the slump I was in. It wasn't until I picked D up from school that I started to feel better. I guess there will always be flat days. But I just felt SO depressed and down. It was awful. I have to remind myself that's it's only been a few weeks since I found out my dad died, and that my emotions will probably be all over the place for a while.

I slept a bit better last night, so feeling less tired today. I can't wait till I feel refreshed and full of energy. I didn't get there when I did Dry July, most likely because I gave in so soon afterwards, but I am determined to get there this time! I know it will take some time to get my body in a healthy state. I've been abusing it for so many years so of course it's going to take time!

A x

Happy and frustrated

Day 3 today. I'm thrilled to be on day 3 but also frustrated that I am not on day 45. But I guess I have to get past that. It was my choice and I have to live with it. I have to learn from it and move on and not let myself be in that position again. It's frustrating too having to go through the difficulty sleeping and tiredness and weird dreams that I went through when I stopped before. But I have to remind myself that I had only stopped for 32 days and that isn't very long when you have been drinking so much for as long as I have. But I do know that I will eventually start to feel better. It was just a blip and hopefully a lesson well learned.

I'm finding Mrs D's Living Sober website really helpful. It's great being able to chat with like minded people. People who understand exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. It's good to know you are not alone. And even though I knew that from reading all the wonderful sober blogs, I like the interactiveness (is that even a word?) of it.

I told dh that I was going to sign up for HSM. I also told him that it might be for longer. He knows (obviously) how much I used to drink but I don't think he understood the extent of my problem. He would often drink as much as me but then he could easily go a night without. It's hard for people who like a drink but who don't have that internal battle going on inside their head to understand what it's like for people like us. I look at my friend who also likes a drink and wonder if she has that inner battle too or if she just likes to drink but can then stop easily if she wants to?

When July was over and I decided that I could moderate, my first thought when I entered the bottle shop was 'I haven't been in the drug shop for a while'!! Honestly, those were the exact words that went through my head. And even though I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interests I still went ahead with it. I drank most nights for the next 10 days but didn't enjoy it much at all. It tasted awful and made my head feel foggy and strange. It wasn't a nice feeling. Even my beloved bubbly didn't have the same zing that it used to have. So here I am again. But I know now that moderation isn't for me. Had I listened to everyone who has gone before me and said that moderation doesn't work I could have saved myself a lot of angst. But I can't go back and change it. So, I am moving forwards and am not going to be too hard on myself. I am back on the wagon and that's the main thing!

A x

It's great to be here again!

Day 2 today. It is so great to be back here. It's early days but I'm already feeling better. I remember being day 2 last month and it was all so new. But this time I remember how good I felt being booze free and I am looking forward to feeling like that again. I didn't sleep well last night which is exactly what happened last time in the early days. But I know I can just ride it out and my sleeping will soon improve.

It is such a RELIEF not having to think about booze. I still think about it of course, but this time it's about NOT drinking it. Not about should I or shouldn't I and the constant internal battle that goes on inside my head. It's such a lovely feeling.

This time I have signed up for Hello Sunday Morning. 3 months booze free. I am also hoping to do Belle's 100 day challenge. This way I am accountable. I have made a contract and I can't break it. Dry July was great, but it wasn't long enough. This way I can get a solid chunk of sobriety under my belt and really change my life. I am excited!!

It's going to be hard when my friends ask me out for drinks. One friend in particular has been hanging out to have a drink since I finished Dry July. For whatever reason, we haven't done it yet, and now I'm going to have to tell her I'm off it again! But this isn't about her. Or anyone else for that matter. This is for me and for being the best me I can be. I've been wallowing in fog for so many years now and I want to be free. This is just the beginning. So bring it on!

A x

Day 1...again

So, here I am back at day 1. I really wish I hadn't wasted the last 10 days. I would be at 43 days today if I hadn't. But I can't think like that. It has helped get me back to here and that's a good thing, right? I am pleased I was able to get through my recent trauma alcohol free, it shows me that I CAN do this. In the last 10 days I didn't drink every night, but it was nearly every night. It doesn't matter though, because here I am nearly finished day 1 and that's fantastic!

I am loving Mrs D's new website. I didn't get on there much today because I was working all afternoon/evening. But I intend to participate more tomorrow.

It's late now so I'm going to go to bed. Just wanted to write a quick post for day 1. Yay me!! I can do this! I signed up for Hello Sunday Morning - a 3 months booze free program. It looks great and I'm hoping it will help me heaps.

So, goodnight for now. I will be back again tomorrow. Looking forward getting back into my blog and new sober living.

A x

It's not really working

So, it's not really working, this moderation thing. I was going to have an AF night last night. Then Dh offered to get some wine and instead of saying not to worry I of course said that would be nice. I thought it would be nice to have a glass whilst watching the final episode of Offspring. So he comes back with a bottle of Yellow and a few bottles of wine. We shared the bottle of bubbly then I thought I'd have a couple of glasses of wine. Now, when you add up the bubbly and two glasses of wine it's about a bottle in total. That is NOT moderation! And then my oldest brother rang up and we chatted for a while about dad and our younger brother who is an alcoholic and in real danger if he doesn't get help soon. And what did I do? I had some more wine. Because I'm not as bad as my brother. I might have a bit of a problem, but hey! I managed to go booze free for 32 days. And please note that that is one day extra than I had to once the 31 days of July were over. Yay me! I know I am not as bad as my brother but I still have a problem. I'm already thinking about wine during the day. Should I or should I not have wine tonight. And so soon after my break from booze. I thought if it was going to happen it would take longer than this! I really thought I'd be ok to moderate. But who am I kidding?! I have heard time and time again that people like us just can't moderate. It's impossible so why even try? I am so disappointed in myself. I LOVED doing Dry July. It took the option of having booze away and it was great. I didn't have this constant battle going on in my head. And now I'm drinking again and I hate it.

I joined Mrs D's website 'Sober Living' and even though I feel like a bit of a fraud, I'm going to stay on it. Because I'm going to stop again. I just have to decide when. I have those few bottles of wine that Dh bought and a lovely bottle of Chandon Sparkling to drink. And when they've gone, I will seriously start thinking about it.

Wednesday

I was at work yesterday and some of my colleagues gave me a lovely condolence card and a gift. I was really touched. I have to admit that I was a bit hurt because it had been a couple of weeks and I didn't even get a card. So when they gave me the card and gift yesterday I was a bit shocked to say the least! But I was so happy that they thought of me after all. I have been working at the same place for 16 years and I am one of the last ones from my era. Which means that I often feel old and on the outer. It doesn't help that my boss is a but strange and doesn't treat me like someone she has known for 16 years! I know some of this has got to do with my lack of confidence. But it's something I want to work on. I've always had self esteem issues and I figure it's about time I find out who I really am. I really think the 'you have to like yourself before others can like you' is true. So that's what I'm going to work on.

I didn't have a drink on Sunday night, but I did on Monday night. We (Dh, ds and me) went for a lovely picnic dinner which we do a lot (more so in the summer though) and Dh bought a bottle of wine. We set up our picnic table with a table cloth and candles and Dh had a couple of beers and I had wine. It was lovely. I sipped my wine slowly and only had a couple of small glasses. In the past I would have finished them a lot more quickly and had 3 or 4 by the end. It was freezing though so we weren't there for that long. And I have to confess I had more wine at home. But I didn't drink last night and I was fine with that.

I'm reading Mrs D's book and I'm really enjoying it. It will be interesting to see how I feel when I have finished reading it. And I've still got Jason Vale's book which I started months ago but never finished reading. I also have Sober is the New Black by Rachel Black. And I finished the Sober Revolution which I really enjoyed. So I am still toying with the idea of going alcohol free permanently. I just can't get my head around 'forever' just yet.

I had some blood tests taken this morning. I have had the request slip since March as I have been curious to find out what my cholesterol, vitamin D levels and Thyroid Funtion are like. But I've been putting the tests off ever since because also on the blood slip was Liver Function Tests. And the thought of that terrifies me! Having been a nightly drinker for so long, surely my liver function must be off?! So I've been putting it off and putting it off. Then I started thinking 'maybe my liver isn't that bad now that I had 32 days of not drinking?' So this morning I went to the supermarket straight after school drop off and quite on the spur of the moment decided to finally have my blood tests done. Now I just have to wait for the call. I am nervous but it's out of my hands now. I am praying for a miracle though!

My post is a bit all over the place today. I wish I could write lovely insightful posts, but my mind feels muddled so I guess what I write reflects that. Maybe one day I will be able to. I hope so anyway.

I'm wearing my 'Not Today' bracelet that I bought from Belle's Sober Store. I love it!

A x

August

Well, it is now August. I manage to remain alcohol free for 32 days. Then I had a drink. It was a conscious decision. Do I regret it? I don't know yet. It went like this... We went out for dinner on Saturday night (just the 3 of us) and I had decided earlier in the day that I would have a glass of wine with dinner. I also bought a bottle of sparkling wine to celebrate afterwards. And I have to say, it was all a bit disappointing. Dh was tired so didn't feel like a wine. So instead of sharing a bottle like we usually would, I drank 2 glasses on my own which just wasn't the same. And it tasted pretty awful. It didn't used to taste that bad surely?! But I had a 2nd glass anyway. Which just made me feel really sleepy. Then at home we shared the bottle of bubbly (well, Dh had 2 glasses and I had the rest) but he kept falling asleep on the couch so I was essentially drinking by myself. Not how I imagined it at all! I felt a bit tired yesterday but that could be because we had a late night the night before. And I didn't feel hungover other than a pesky little headache.

And now I am back to square one. Will I have a glass tonight or wait for a few nights? Surely I deserve to have one having gone so long without. And especially after what I've been through the last couple of weeks. I really could have done with one last week but I abstained, so it must be ok now? But I will endeavor to be a moderate drinker for a little while and see what happens. I have a feeling though that I will end up exactly where I was before. Does that make me weak, knowing this and still going ahead with it? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

What I do know is though, is that grief is a strange thing. I will be going ok, getting through the day fine when all of a sudden a wave of grief hits me and suddenly I am sobbing. And I feel so alone. It's like my place in the world has shifted somehow. And I feel like I have always had icicles around my heart and now it's time to let them melt. But I don't know how. 46 years old and I have no idea who I am...

A x