Friday 27 May 2016

The big disaster

I worked on Tuesday afternoon and evening. It was really, really busy (just for a change!) and as usual I got out of work over half an hour late. All the other staff had already left. I was really pissed off that no one had come to see if I was doing ok or even to say goodbye. So I left work in a really bad mood.

As I was driving home, it occurred to me that this was EXACTLY the sort of night that would have seen me dropping into the bottle shop and buying 2 bottles of wine (I would have to buy 2 in case Mr A wanted some. I had to have a whole bottle for myself)

I think I have written about this in my blog before. I would get home, stay up late drinking. The first glass would go down really well and do it's work; relaxing me a bit and making me feel a bit better and all the while having a huge vent about my shit day to Mr A. I would then sit up drinking until 1-2 in the morning and feel like utter crap the next day.

But since I don't do this anymore, I drove right past the bottle shop and thought about how great it was that I don't drink anymore.

But i was still really pissed off! So naturally I had to vent.

I recently joined a private recovery support group on Facebook which I have found really helpful. So I posted a bit of a speel on there. I wrote how I was pissed off with my colleagues for leaving without seeing if I needed help or even saying goodbye. I went on to say how 6 months ago I would have dropped into the bottle shop and bought 2 bottles of wine (and why I would need 2) and how I am so glad that I don't do that anymore and that I am so grateful to be sober. It felt good to get it off my chest and I was looking forward to getting some supportive comments.

I decided to watch Nashville (I'm up to season 4 and I was devastated to hear that it's been cancelled after this season!!) and kept checking the Facebook page to see if anyone had left a comment. I couldn't see any so I continued to watch my show.

In the meantime, Mr A popped down to the supermarket to get some diet coke cans (it was the last day of the special) so about 15-20 minutes went by. Then I had a sudden thought. Where was my post? I hadn't actually seen it on the private page. And that's when I suddenly felt sick.  Where had I posted it if not on the private page?!

I went back to my regular Facebook page and sure enough, there it was. For EVERYONE to see!! I absolutely panicked and deleted it straight away, but my heart was racing and I felt sick. What had I done?!! What if someone saw it?!!

Before deleting it, I noticed that I had one comment. It was from a guy who used to work on my ward and I still keep in contact with. He just said he was sorry that this had happened. And that was it. He didn't say anything about me being sober or anything.

I can't believe I did that!!!

But the funny thing is, I am more worried about what I said about my work colleagues than I am about outing myself for not drinking anymore. What if someone saw it. It would only take one person to see it and the gossip to start. I am still SO worried about what other people think of me, and I hate it. Why can't I not worry about it anymore? Who cares that work people may have seen I was upset because they were selfish and not helping out a team mate? But I hate the thought that they know what I was thinking and that I vented about it on Facebook.

So you see, it was a BIG disaster!

I am praying that no one saw it (other than that guy, and I emailed him and told him I was so embarrassed by what I did and that I meant to write it somewhere else, He said he thought that must be the case). But I can't change it. It happened and I can't take it back.

You what though? I went to a meeting yesterday and I shared! (yes, at my 4th meeting!) I was VERY nervous, but I did it! I just talked about what happened on Facebook, and I felt like no one was judging me and everyone was very supportive. It was wonderful. So, even though it was a disastrous thing to happen, something good came out of it.

But I still feel sick about going to work tomorrow.

A x

26 comments:

  1. My therapist gave me this mantra...I think you could benefit from it! "I can't predict what happens, I can't control what happens, I can't prevent what happens..But, whatever happens, I'll do my best to deal with it!" So Angie..if anything comes from your erroneous post, just do your best to deal with it. I think you might be surprised! If anyone did see it, maybe they will think twice about leaving a colleague hanging! The anxiety preceding an event is actually much worse than the event itself!! I'm sorry you are so stressed about it (I would be too) but think of how you changed your response!! YOU DIDN'T STOP AT THE BOTTLE SHOP!!! You go girl! xo

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    1. That's a great mantra. Thanks for that. You're right about the anxiety, and it is awful! At the end of the day, I didn't drink. And that's the main thing. A x

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  2. Oh, I can feel your stomach churning!! This is exactly the type of thing in life that produces anxiety for me...when I am responsible for something I perceive as me screwing up. I know this is stressful but I'm with S@53. It's even possible nobody saw it and congrats on no drinking. My only thought is that if someone says something, take it head on with something like "oh, my, did you see that? I tried to catch it and delete it. I really was frustrated and I didn't mean to vent so much. I feel horrible that I let the situation get to me and I'm so sorry to offend." Apologizing is likely to diffuse tension. As to the sober part, heck, if anyone did read the post they probably went out and bought wine!

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    1. My stomach is churning! Every time I think about it! But your advice is good. If someone says something, I will think about what you said. Why is this shit happening now that I'm sober? I was never a drunk poster, thank God! A x

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  3. Oh no! Well you know what they say...no use crying over spilt milk! Don't worry about it, it's done, and if anyone saw it there's nothing you can do now. Maybe your work colleges might be more thoughtful in future if they saw it?

    Perhaps one day you will find this really funny? maybe not today, but one day. We've all been there, I text something about someone to a friend once, except I accidentally text it to the girl I was talking about. Hope you're ok. At least you got through it all with your sobriety intact.

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    1. I'm sure I will find this funny one day, and I can't wait for that day! In the meantime, I have to deal with it. Tomorrow is the big day - back at work. A x

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  4. I feel your pain! In the early days of email I sent a 'reply all' message mocking a senior member of staff who was delegating a minor task to me, via someone else - the only intended recipient of my satire! - cc'd to some others. It was embarrassing but fine. Don't think about it more, but if anyone behaves 'off', just apologise. As PDTG says, maybe your colleagues will be more thoughtful in future (if they saw it, that is). The main thing is you didn't drink on the thing that provoked the post OR realising what you had done. Good for you! xx

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    1. Oh no!! I would have died! Hopefully I'm making a mountain out of mole hill. Yes, I didn't drink and that's the main thing!! A x

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  5. I think everyone has done something similar, even before all the technology you could have complained to a friend who then told everyone else. 1. You didn't drink! Hooray for that 2. You had a good old rant BUT for justifiable reasons 3. It gave you a gateway to speak up at a meeting. There are more positives than negatives here. I agree with HabitDone and you can say you regretted your rant after you posted it but also you were annoyed and upset about it and you STILL think it is wrong they left you even if you expressed it in the wrong way. Don't even address the alcohol issue and if someone does just say I have stopped drinking when I am stressed out and angry cos it solves nothing. Everything will be ok uncomfortable for a day maybe but ok. Big hug Angie

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    1. Angie you must read SuburbanBetty post here https://suburbanbettycleanandserene.wordpress.com/2016/05/26/disaster-un-noticed/comment-page-1/#comment-1109 the timing couldn't be more perfect.

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    2. Yes that's true. Gossip is rife in the nursing industry! I suppose because it is a female dominated workplace. I will check out SuburbanBetty's post tomorrow. We have just gotten back from a dinner out and it's too late now. Thanks for that. And for the hug! A x

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  6. Hi, Angie! Ok, I have 2 suggestions if anyone actually saw this (most likely it was a Disaster Unnoticed). I get so much crap in my feed I don't even see half of the posts I want to see.
    1) Denial-- you deleted it! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
    2) You got hacked!! BUT IT'S UNDER CONTROL NOW.

    But really the important thing here is not damage control, but that fact that you didn't let it ruin your sobriety. Because you are stronger than that. Because it's not worth it. And because it will always be "something". Well done!! Yay you!

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    1. Thanks suburbanbetty. Well, I went to work today and no one said anything! But there were a lot of girls who weren't rostered today so that doesn't mean no one saw it. So I will see what happens when I work on Tuesday. I don't know if I could say I got hacked, because I'm the only one who could have said what happened at work. I think I will play it by ear. And hopefully I can be selective with my 'fuck-its' from now on! Thanks for the advice. I'm going to be checking your blog out, it looks awesome! A x

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  7. Oh you poor thing! Just remember that everyone's done something similar at some point - it's the curse of technology! You weren't rude about anyone specifically, and perhaps it'll make your workmates, if they did see it, a bit more considerate in the future! If I were them I'd feel understanding (of the cock up) and ashamed (of my behaviour) rather than annoyed with you! You're awesome :-) x

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    1. Thanks SM, no one said anything today but that doesn't mean no one saw it. So I will see what happens next Tuesday and play it by ear. Maybe it will be fine afterall. Guess i'll find out on Tuesday. Bloody technology! A x

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  8. You know that I've done this too. But I caught it in seconds. I am so so sorry you are going through this. We all make these errors whether it's on Facebook or accidentally emailing something rude to the person we are talking about. I did that too in a business setting! The miserable feelings really sting but time will heal this one.

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    1. Thanks Ripley, it is tough isn't it?! No matter what happens I'm determined to toughen up and deal with it like a pro. But seriously, this doesn't seem like me so i will just wait and see. Wish me luck! A x

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  9. I feel your pain. I was a terrible drunken "poster". Many, many 3.00 am cringing moments. The difference between you and me? You had a legitimate complaint and I never did, it was just drunken drama. If anyone saw it, (and it's more likely that you deleted it before anyone did see), then I think the embarrassment will be with them. Ripley is right. The sting will fade, and you sobriety is intact. It's a win...as Betty would say...Roach Power!

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    1. Thanks Jackie. I hope the sting will fade. Surely people have better things to do with their lives than worry about ctazy posts that has potentially been hacked!! Whatever the outcome of all this, my sobriety is intact and that is the main thing! A x

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  10. Oh Angie,
    I have done something similar.
    It's hard to wait for awhile to see what happens.
    And the others are right.
    You didn't drink over it.
    These things will happen, but you will be able to handle it with grace.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy, I'm just so embarrassed that I posted it on the rock page, So stupid of me!! But you're right, I didn't drink over it so that's gotta be a good thing! I will see what happens on Tuesday when I work again. I will suss people out to see if they saw it! A x

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    2. That was meant to say wrong page not rock page!

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  11. Hug. I know you will be ok. You are doing great!
    Anne

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    1. Thank you Anne. I am still sober and that's the main thing! I will be ok, I know I will be. Just a few nerves to deal with before work on Tuesday. A x

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  12. How did this turn out? Did anyone say anything? I can feel your pain--nothing worse than being exposed during a moment of weakness.

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    1. Only one person said something. She asked me if I was ok and I didn't get it at first. Then I realised what she was talking about! I just told her I had had a bad shift and was venting, and how I was supposed to post it somewhere else. I didn't say anything about the not drinking comment. I also told her I hope no one else saw it so I hope she hasn't said anything to anyone. If anyone else saw it, hopefully it's forgotten now! A x

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