Day 174

I went out for dinner the last two nights. Thursday night was with my in-laws for my father-in-law's birthday, then last night I went to dinner and the movies with four mum friends from school. It's interesting because over both nights, not one person asked me if I wanted an alcoholic drink or why I wasn't having one. I guess my in-laws are used to me not drinking now and as for my friends, it was a non-issue. It's amazing how little it matters to people who don't have a drinking problem.

My oldest brother R was over tonight with his boys. He drinks too but not nearly as much as my younger brother B (the 'real' alcoholic) Once again we got talking about B and how worried we are about him. I showed R my sobriety counter on my phone, which says 174, and he was so proud of me. He told me I may as well keep going and I told him I intend to. It's funny, even with all our family history, with our dad being an alcoholic and dying as a result, I still hesitate to say I have stopped 'forever'. Why is it so hard? By not admitting it am I giving myself an out in case I drink again in the future? I don't really know why. I did tell him that I intend to go to an AA meeting and he said it's a good idea. I have been thinking of asking B if he will come with me to a city meeting. It would give me a good excuse to go and it might also get B thinking about quitting if he hears other peoples stories. I don't know how he'll take it, but I guess the worst that can happen is that he says no, in which case I will just go by myself.

Like many of you, I have been reading how Annie (A Dappled Path) and SoberMummy (Mummy was a secret drinker) met up the other day and what a good time they had. I am so envious! I so wish I could meet up with some of my sober blogging friends. It seems though, that the bulk of you live either in the UK, the US or Canada, and I feel really lonely. I would so love to have a sober friend in real life. This is partly why I want to go to a meeting, to make a real life connection.

I've been wanting to have a chat with the little guy about how I used to drink and why I stopped. I have so much guilt over the years I drank when he was smaller and I just can't get past it. So today, as we were driving to the movies, I asked him "you know how mummy used to drink wine every night...?" I wanted to ascertain what his thoughts were about it and tell him why I've stopped, and you know what he said? He told me doesn't remember! I said "really?! Are you sure? Remember the glass of yellow liquid mummy used to keep on the floor next to her feet?" And he said no, he doesn't remember. I couldn't believe it! So I just said "well anyway, mummy stopped because it wasn't good for me and she wanted to get healthy". But I couldn't let it go. So later this evening, as we were watching Dr Who, I asked him again. "Are you sure you can't remember when mummy used to drink wine every night?" And again, he said he didn't remember. "It doesn't matter mum" he told me when I pressed him again.

It does matter though. To me it does. I'm glad he doesn't remember and that he isn't scarred from my bad behaviour, but I still feel so guilty. I can still here his little voice "are you getting up now mummy?" as I tried to sleep off yet another hangover. How many times did he ask that question? Far too many. So many years wasted, that I won't get back. Now I just have to figure out how to get past this.

I am trying to make up for it now. I am trying to be really, truly present for my son. To spend as much time with him as possible. To be patient, and not so cross. I still have my moments; I am human after all,  but I am really trying. I tell him all the time that I love him, and that I'm proud of him. And I kiss him, and hug him, and savour this time with him. Because soon he will be older and won't have time for me. He will wipe my kisses off and not look back and wave to me at the school gate. I won't be the main person in his life forever. Which makes me sad. I guess it's just the way it is. But I will always have this time, and I want him to hold a special place in his heart that he keeps just for me.

The big guy is at the footy (football) tonight so we have had a special evening. Pancakes for dinner and an episode of Dr Who, and I let him stay up extra late. Now he is in bed reading, then I will go in and we'll have a chat and a cuddle before he goes to sleep.

I am so lucky to have him. And even though he will never be blessed with a brother or a sister, he will always have me.

Have a great weekend everyone.

A x