Thursday, 12 May 2016

A deep sadness

Last night I was chatting with the little guy as he lay in bed, when he said 'I wished I had a brother or a sister'. When I told him that I was sorry he doesn't have a sibling because mummy couldn't have one, he went on to ask, can't we adopt one? Or buy one. 'Can you buy kids mum?'

This filled me with sadness. One of my biggest heartbreaks is that I wasn't able to have another child. I still get sad when I see women with prams. In fact, I was at the shopping centre just yesterday and I was nearly in tears when I sat down for lunch as it reminded me of when I used to take the little guy shopping with me in the pram at the same shopping centre. I cherish that time, and can't get past the fact that I will never get to experience it again.

How do you explain to a 9 year old why you were unable to have more kids? I tried to tell him that I dad a sore tummy and that was why I couldn't have another baby in there.

I feel sad that I may be partly responsible for my medical condition. Apparently, drinking excessive alcohol may contribute to getting endometriosis. To think I am responsible for my infertility is even more heartbreaking. How do I live with this? How do I move on?

I haven't spoken to anyone about this. How can I? So I just suffer in silence. But I don't know how much longer I will be able to do this. It's eating me up inside.

I have many regrets over the way I have lived my life. But this would have to be my biggest one.

I am sorry this is not a very cheerful post. I just had to get it out.

A x

34 comments:

  1. Sometimes things are sad, aren't they? Not much I can say, except sending you a big hug. xo

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    1. Thank you Thirsty, it means a lot to me. A x

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  2. I am an only child and asked my parents about a sibling at around your son's age too. My oldest wishes he was an only child on a daily basis. Some of my favorite kids in my boys' classes happen to be only children. They are kinder, more mature, and easier to be around than the other kids. So I think having an only is awesome! You are shouldering blame for this when it may have nothing to do with drinking. And you know what? Even if your drinking had this result, alcoholism is not your fault. You are a victim who is finding incredible strength to climb out of addiction and into a life where you are a fully present mommy. That is a million times better than my only childhood with alcoholic parents. Your son will grow out of this phase and will come to appreciate being an only child. He'll see that he is surrounded by healthy love and that's all that matters.

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    1. Thanks Ripley. I read your story about your mum and her lost children. That just breaks my heart. My son will be ok. He is very resilient. I just can't help feeling sad. But I know that the best gift I can give him is to be sober. A x

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  3. Hi Angie...As a someone who went through primary infertility, I can tell you plain and simple..IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! It took me 3 years to have my 1st child. He is an in vitro baby. I was in an infertility support group for a year prior to conceiving. The thing is that every woman in that group whose spouse didn't have an issue causing the infertility, blamed themselves for not being able to have children because of something they had done in their lives. Mine was smoking. One woman because she was overweight. Another because she was undeserving. You get my point here. And just for the record...women who consume more caffeine also have a higher risk for endometriosis. You did not cause this. I googled this from a reputable site.."There is nothing you can do to keep from getting endometriosis." The site also says that avoiding alcohol and caffeine is just a wellness recommendation!!! Please stop beating yourself up! We all want a reason for why things turn out the way they do. We all need something to blame, so why not blame ourselves?!?!? Sometimes, there is just no reason!! But, now you are on a better road! You are not drinking! You will be a better mom to your son. That is what is important! you can't change what you perceive the past to be..you can only forge forward! xo

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    1. Thanks SA53. I also drank a ton of diet coke which has lots of caffeine in it. I know it's not all my fault, but some of it could be. I just want to move on, get past this sorrow. Not sure how to do it. A x

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    2. What about an infertility support group? Or a therapist that deals with womens issues? Being alone with your feelings is really tough. I know sometimes I think things and think I'm crazy, then find out others think them too and know I'm not crazy! Just like these blogs for sobriety. We all generally have had the same experiences of trying to quit. It is comforting to know. Maybe you can find that through a support group or maybe there are online support groups and blogs concerning endometriosis? It would be a great way for you to unload your feelings. Saying it here is a big step! Hugs Angie! xo

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    3. Yes, I might look into that. It's amazing the help that you can find on the internet. The internet saved my life really. I googled 'how to live without wine' or something like that and found Mrs D's blog and a whole new world opened up to me. I was amazed that I wasn't the only one going through this. Thank you for the hug. A x

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  4. I don't have biological children - but three wonderful stepkids and three step grandchildren (the last born on Mother's Day - my one year soberversary!). I went through a phase of being very sad to be childless - you know, you don't ever get really over it - but you do find out that life has other plans for you....Big Hugs xxx

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    1. Thanks Jackie. It must be wonderful to have step kids and step grandkids. It freaks me out to think I am old enough to be a grandmother and yet here I am longing for a baby! Congrats on your one year soberversary! That is so awesome! A x

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  5. I don't know how to cheer you up because I could have written your post. Word...for...word. It really probably bothers us more than them. At 13, my son is used to being on his own now. He would have been such a wonderful older brother but it does get a bit easier as they get older and involved with their friends. He does have step brothers/sister now but I wish I could have given him a half sibling via hubby. Miscarried once and then it was just not to be. Hugs.

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    1. I should have said step brothers/sister now that live over 3000 miles away...so he is still an "only" with me, just gets exposure to chaos during vacations.

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    2. I'm sorry to hear you miscarried. That must have been heartbreaking. You're probably right that it bothers us more than them. My little guy doesn't bring it up very often, but I'm sure he thinks about it a fair bit. I am going to have a chat with him and see how he feels. A x

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    3. You know, my thought is to say nothing. All you can do is say you couldn't have any more when he brings it up. My two cents is that bringing up topics when kids aren't asking just draws unnecessary attention to the sadness of the situation. Kids have to learn how to deal with reality. When my son used to cry about Dad not being here for him, I used to do the apology thing...I'm sorry we got divorced, I'm sorry he is far away, you know he loves you...blah blah. My therapist said to stop that and simply say "I know you're sad and that's okay. I wish things were different for you but I love you." Just hold him and stop apologizing is what she said. This a long winded way of saying just tell him you know that he wishes he could have a brother or sister but you love him so very very much and are soo glad you were able to have him. (probably preached too much again here, sorry)

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    4. Thanks HD, this is great advice. I will try this next time it comes up. I really need to see a therapist. So many people benefit from it. A x

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  6. Dearest Angie, I echo all the wise words above, and just send you a huge hug. Xxx

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    1. Thanks SM. Your support means a lot to me. Enjoy your catch up with Annie tomorrow and say hi for me!! A x

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  7. I am sending you lots of love. Annie x

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    1. Annie, you managed to comment! I am so thrilled. It's lovely to get comments. It helps so much. Have a great time tomorrow with SM. I am so jealous! I want to come too :( A x

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  8. Sorry to hear this, it's not often spoken about. I had more trouble conceiving my second child, than the first. It is hard and I know that being blessed with one child doesn't make it any easier. It's not your fault about the endometriosis. My very good friend has it too and after many years of trying, conceived one child with Ivf and hasnt had anymore children. She doesn't drink at all, never has.

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    1. I know in my heart that I did not cause my endometriosis, but I may have made it worse with my drinking. But I can't change it now, so I have to figure out a way to move on. That is the hard part. I'm sorry your friend struggled so much. You are right, it's not really spoken about. I had surgery to remove ovarian cysts which are related to the endo and I hardly told anyone. Like it was some secret that shouldn't be shared. But I regret it now. I should have told more people, to give them an understanding of what I go through. Oh well, it's too late now. Why is 'women's stuff' kept so hush hush? It drives me crazy!! A x

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    2. It is kept secret. I had a miscarriage between my first and second and hardly told anyone. I have friends who tried for years to have a baby, they didn't tell anyone until the child was born, that it took 4 years to conceive. I felt terrible after, I remember saying to my friend that they should hurry up and have a baby. Had I known what they were going through I would have kept my big mouth shut :( I hope that sharing your feelings on your blog has helped a bit.

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    3. I'm sorry for your loss. Why is it such a hush hush topic? I'll never understand it. I have a friend who tried for 10 years to have a baby, including donor egg cycles and were unsuccessful. Then I feel bad for complaining. Knowing what to say is hard. I don't see my friend as often as I'd like because it is such a touchy subject. I'm sad that it is like that though. A x

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  9. My oldest girl is autistic and I blame myself all the time. It is just want we do. I have 2 other children. I am so sad they are growing up so fast., I think we all miss having young kids so much. I think what you're going thru is tough and the pain will come and go. Talking about it is an amazing first step. Being there for your son alcohol free and accepting the past is an essential part of your healing. Sending you love. Kats xx

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    1. Thanks Kats. It's hard not to blame yourself isn't it? Yes, they grow up too fast don't they? I love having a young child, and I feel sad for the first few years of my son's life when I was drinking every night and wasting half the next day feeling like crap. I will never get that time back and it breaks my heart. Thank you for understanding. A x

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  10. Oh Angie - so sorry to hear the sadness in this post. I don't think you should blame yourself... I know two non- drinkers (never had alcohol in their lives due to religious reasons) both with endometriosis. A support group sounds like a really good idea - we all know how the support here can help, I'm now a firm believer in finding others to talk through shared experiences with. Sending you love. Red xx

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    1. Thanks Red. A support group sounds like a good idea. I might look into it. Have you heard of any? I really need to talk to someone about this stuff. I have been bottling it all up inside for too long. A x

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    2. I haven't, but I can ask my friend and see if she follows any. There's got to be something out there. Bottling things up isn't good, it often leads me to blotting things out with our old friend alcohol! Talk away on here if it helps; we're all listening. Red xx

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  11. Angie,
    I am very sorry.
    It's not your fault.
    I couldn't have children.
    We never figured out why.
    Your little guy will be fine. I have seen many single children as a teacher who did brilliantly!
    Much Love,
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy. I'm sorry you couldn't have children, that must have been hard? I know my son will be ok, I just feel sad for him. I just need to grieve I think and try and move on from this. A x

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  12. I felt so bad for you reading this. I don't know what to say, but I'm sending you a big hug across the internet. xx

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    1. Thank you IH. I appreciate that. A x

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