The big disaster

I worked on Tuesday afternoon and evening. It was really, really busy (just for a change!) and as usual I got out of work over half an hour late. All the other staff had already left. I was really pissed off that no one had come to see if I was doing ok or even to say goodbye. So I left work in a really bad mood.

As I was driving home, it occurred to me that this was EXACTLY the sort of night that would have seen me dropping into the bottle shop and buying 2 bottles of wine (I would have to buy 2 in case Mr A wanted some. I had to have a whole bottle for myself)

I think I have written about this in my blog before. I would get home, stay up late drinking. The first glass would go down really well and do it's work; relaxing me a bit and making me feel a bit better and all the while having a huge vent about my shit day to Mr A. I would then sit up drinking until 1-2 in the morning and feel like utter crap the next day.

But since I don't do this anymore, I drove right past the bottle shop and thought about how great it was that I don't drink anymore.

But i was still really pissed off! So naturally I had to vent.

I recently joined a private recovery support group on Facebook which I have found really helpful. So I posted a bit of a speel on there. I wrote how I was pissed off with my colleagues for leaving without seeing if I needed help or even saying goodbye. I went on to say how 6 months ago I would have dropped into the bottle shop and bought 2 bottles of wine (and why I would need 2) and how I am so glad that I don't do that anymore and that I am so grateful to be sober. It felt good to get it off my chest and I was looking forward to getting some supportive comments.

I decided to watch Nashville (I'm up to season 4 and I was devastated to hear that it's been cancelled after this season!!) and kept checking the Facebook page to see if anyone had left a comment. I couldn't see any so I continued to watch my show.

In the meantime, Mr A popped down to the supermarket to get some diet coke cans (it was the last day of the special) so about 15-20 minutes went by. Then I had a sudden thought. Where was my post? I hadn't actually seen it on the private page. And that's when I suddenly felt sick.  Where had I posted it if not on the private page?!

I went back to my regular Facebook page and sure enough, there it was. For EVERYONE to see!! I absolutely panicked and deleted it straight away, but my heart was racing and I felt sick. What had I done?!! What if someone saw it?!!

Before deleting it, I noticed that I had one comment. It was from a guy who used to work on my ward and I still keep in contact with. He just said he was sorry that this had happened. And that was it. He didn't say anything about me being sober or anything.

I can't believe I did that!!!

But the funny thing is, I am more worried about what I said about my work colleagues than I am about outing myself for not drinking anymore. What if someone saw it. It would only take one person to see it and the gossip to start. I am still SO worried about what other people think of me, and I hate it. Why can't I not worry about it anymore? Who cares that work people may have seen I was upset because they were selfish and not helping out a team mate? But I hate the thought that they know what I was thinking and that I vented about it on Facebook.

So you see, it was a BIG disaster!

I am praying that no one saw it (other than that guy, and I emailed him and told him I was so embarrassed by what I did and that I meant to write it somewhere else, He said he thought that must be the case). But I can't change it. It happened and I can't take it back.

You what though? I went to a meeting yesterday and I shared! (yes, at my 4th meeting!) I was VERY nervous, but I did it! I just talked about what happened on Facebook, and I felt like no one was judging me and everyone was very supportive. It was wonderful. So, even though it was a disastrous thing to happen, something good came out of it.

But I still feel sick about going to work tomorrow.

A x