12 months on

Twelve months ago today I started my first 100 day challenge.  At the time, 100 days seemed impossible to me, but I knew I just had to try it. Prior to that, I had tried desperately to stay sober but just couldn't make it stick. In January that same year, I managed 24 days, February 23 days, March a dismal 7 days, April 25 days and by May, I was just sick and tired of going back to drinking each time. So I took the bull by the horns and signed up for Belle's 100 day challenge.

For some reason making that pledge to Belle, and to myself, worked. I didn't drink for 102 days and I loved every minute of it. I'm not saying it was easy, because I certainly had my moments of cravings, but like I said, making that pledge made a huge difference.

I told Mr A a week or so in that I wasn't drinking for 100 days. By then he was used to me stopping and starting so wasn't so surprised and was very supportive. I told a couple of my friends, and they too were supportive. My friend C, who I write about a fair bit, was supportive, but she didn't really get it. She would offer me drinks when we went out, or say, just have one or two. So I had to be firm and stick to my guns, even though I saw the disappointment in her eyes. Now it seems to have sunk in. She has asked me a couple of times if I will ever drink again and I just tell her I'm not sure, but probably not. I'm not sure why I can't be 100% honest with her. Maybe a part of me is scared that she won't want to hang out with me anymore. Silly and juvenile I know, but I can't help it. But I am getting there, and I think she is getting used to it too. We'll go out and she has her wine or champagne and I will have my diet coke. And it's fine. I am sure glad that it's not me the next day with a sore head!!

Last year though, I made the mistake of telling her when the 100 days were going to be up, and I think that was my mistake. She kept asking me what day I was up to and when was my time going to be up. The day after the 100th day our boys had their school disco. So she and her hubby came around prior with a bottle of champagne to celebrate. And what did I do? I celebrated my 102 days of sobriety by drinking champagne!! I don't blame them though. I think in my heart I wanted to try moderating again and really thought I could do it.  We finished off the bottle before we went to the disco, then we came back to our place and polished off a bottle of wine between us. So that was the start of me trying to moderate. A big fat failure!

Following on from that, I only managed a handful of sober days in September, NONE in October and by November I had had enough again.

My last drink was on November 22nd 2016. Today is day 178. Nearly 6 months. And I am in a much better place this time. The thought of never drinking again used to terrify me. I would think of future special occasions and holidays and couldn't imagine them without my beloved wine or champagne. But this time I decided not to think in terms of forever. I decided to take the advice of those who had gone before me and advised to take it 'one day at a time'. It really works. And before you know it, you string enough days together that you don't want to go back to those miserable days of hangovers and shame.

Anything is possible. I never would have imagined it, but it really is. Anne from Ainsobriety told me once to wait for the magic to happen. I never got to that place before, and I am not there 100% yet, but I am getting there. I have come too far now to go back. I want the magic to happen and I am determined to get there.

Friday is day 180 and I am planning on going to my first meeting. It's time I really start working a program and dealing with my past. I am terrified of going but I am going to go. So, wish me luck!

A x