Saturday 14 May 2016

Day 174

I went out for dinner the last two nights. Thursday night was with my in-laws for my father-in-law's birthday, then last night I went to dinner and the movies with four mum friends from school. It's interesting because over both nights, not one person asked me if I wanted an alcoholic drink or why I wasn't having one. I guess my in-laws are used to me not drinking now and as for my friends, it was a non-issue. It's amazing how little it matters to people who don't have a drinking problem.

My oldest brother R was over tonight with his boys. He drinks too but not nearly as much as my younger brother B (the 'real' alcoholic) Once again we got talking about B and how worried we are about him. I showed R my sobriety counter on my phone, which says 174, and he was so proud of me. He told me I may as well keep going and I told him I intend to. It's funny, even with all our family history, with our dad being an alcoholic and dying as a result, I still hesitate to say I have stopped 'forever'. Why is it so hard? By not admitting it am I giving myself an out in case I drink again in the future? I don't really know why. I did tell him that I intend to go to an AA meeting and he said it's a good idea. I have been thinking of asking B if he will come with me to a city meeting. It would give me a good excuse to go and it might also get B thinking about quitting if he hears other peoples stories. I don't know how he'll take it, but I guess the worst that can happen is that he says no, in which case I will just go by myself.

Like many of you, I have been reading how Annie (A Dappled Path) and SoberMummy (Mummy was a secret drinker) met up the other day and what a good time they had. I am so envious! I so wish I could meet up with some of my sober blogging friends. It seems though, that the bulk of you live either in the UK, the US or Canada, and I feel really lonely. I would so love to have a sober friend in real life. This is partly why I want to go to a meeting, to make a real life connection.

I've been wanting to have a chat with the little guy about how I used to drink and why I stopped. I have so much guilt over the years I drank when he was smaller and I just can't get past it. So today, as we were driving to the movies, I asked him "you know how mummy used to drink wine every night...?" I wanted to ascertain what his thoughts were about it and tell him why I've stopped, and you know what he said? He told me doesn't remember! I said "really?! Are you sure? Remember the glass of yellow liquid mummy used to keep on the floor next to her feet?" And he said no, he doesn't remember. I couldn't believe it! So I just said "well anyway, mummy stopped because it wasn't good for me and she wanted to get healthy". But I couldn't let it go. So later this evening, as we were watching Dr Who, I asked him again. "Are you sure you can't remember when mummy used to drink wine every night?" And again, he said he didn't remember. "It doesn't matter mum" he told me when I pressed him again.

It does matter though. To me it does. I'm glad he doesn't remember and that he isn't scarred from my bad behaviour, but I still feel so guilty. I can still here his little voice "are you getting up now mummy?" as I tried to sleep off yet another hangover. How many times did he ask that question? Far too many. So many years wasted, that I won't get back. Now I just have to figure out how to get past this.

I am trying to make up for it now. I am trying to be really, truly present for my son. To spend as much time with him as possible. To be patient, and not so cross. I still have my moments; I am human after all,  but I am really trying. I tell him all the time that I love him, and that I'm proud of him. And I kiss him, and hug him, and savour this time with him. Because soon he will be older and won't have time for me. He will wipe my kisses off and not look back and wave to me at the school gate. I won't be the main person in his life forever. Which makes me sad. I guess it's just the way it is. But I will always have this time, and I want him to hold a special place in his heart that he keeps just for me.

The big guy is at the footy (football) tonight so we have had a special evening. Pancakes for dinner and an episode of Dr Who, and I let him stay up extra late. Now he is in bed reading, then I will go in and we'll have a chat and a cuddle before he goes to sleep.

I am so lucky to have him. And even though he will never be blessed with a brother or a sister, he will always have me.

Have a great weekend everyone.

A x

32 comments:

  1. I have found my very best of friends in AA and Al-Anon. They are my lifeline. I hope you will find that there too. Happy 174 days!

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    1. Thanks Christina. I hope so too. I'm thinking I will go when I have 6 months sober. Not long now! A x

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  2. Hi Angie. I also find no one cares whether I drink or not, (except for one person who clearly has much more of a problem that I ever had even thought about, and that's so obviously about him it's easy to ignore.) It's a relief to find all that social pressure has fallen away. I do still find it lonely, though, not knowing other sober people, and I think meetings can be a great place to meet them. Regarding taking your brother to a meeting: I wonder whether it's worth thinking about why you want to go and whether bringing him along might muddy that. If you're there with your brother and focusing on what he needs, it might be harder to relax into what's being said and focus on your own needs. I might be wrong there, but it's worth thinking about that.

    I do hope your guilt about your son lessens its grip. You're so obviously a great mother! And you and your son so clearly have a wonderful relationship. I'm happy you're feeling good about being sober. Me too! Big hug to you! xo

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    1. Thanks Thirsty. I think you're right about my brother. Maybe I should just go on my own. And to be truthful, I was thinking he would be a good excuse to go without having to admit that I really want to go for me. Perhaps not the right reason.
      Thank you for your kind words about my son. I think I am a better mum than I used to be, but I will always have that guilt. Maybe it will pass in time. Thanks for the hug. A x

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  3. You're a really wonderful mom Angie. That you are thinking about the impact your drinking has had on him shows how conscientious and caring you are. I bet that someday, you will be able to have an extended conversation about your past with your son and it will help him to know what could happen if he chooses that path too. Maybe then you will find the gift in your struggles with alcohol instead of the guilt. Your story will save others. It already is with this blog!

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    1. Thank you Ripley. I'm trying to be a better mum. Do you think I could find the gift in my struggle rather than the guilt? I wouldn't have thought it possible, but who knows? Maybe it is. I hope so anyway. It's nice to think I might help someone else with my blog. A x

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  4. I'm cracking up...so much of what you say is like looking in a mirror. I started talking about alcohol with my son too. I agree with RB. You can use your experience in the future if you want to. But he is too young right now. You're still an awesome Mom. Love yourself and let go of the guilt. You've got him, enjoy him!

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    1. Thanks HD, now I just have to figure out how to love myself and let go of the guilt. I might need to see a professional to do that. But in the meantime, I will definitely enjoy him! A x

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  5. I'm cracking up...so much of what you say is like looking in a mirror. I started talking about alcohol with my son too. I agree with RB. You can use your experience in the future if you want to. But he is too young right now. You're still an awesome Mom. Love yourself and let go of the guilt. You've got him, enjoy him!

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  6. Hi Angie! I think you can't say that your are giving up alcohol "forever" because maybe by not saying that, that is what keeps you going!
    I told my sons I gave up alcohol (they are 22 and 20) and they asked why? I told them that I drank too much and thought I was a really bad mom to them while they were growing up. They were like "what are you talking about? We hardly ever saw you drunk...you are a great mom." I nearly fell off my chair. I challenged them! And they stuck to their guns! Maybe we really are are own worst critics and maybe we didn't screw up as badly as we thought we did by drinking so much! But, by quitting, we can only get better!!! xo

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    1. Hi SA53, maybe you're right about the forever thing and that's what keeps me going. And maybe we are our own worst critics and it wasn't as bad as we thought it was. But by quitting, we can only get better!! I'm going to continue to become a better person and make up for all the lost years. And maybe one day I will learn how to forgive myself. A x

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  7. One more thing...about your brother...if anyone had taken you to a meeting when you weren't ready to quit, would you have gone? I wouldn't have. Also, I know you love your brother, but make sure that it doesn't impede your progress! And I am in envy at your day 174!!!! xo

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    1. I think I will go to the meeting on my own. I was really only looking for an excuse to go to one, and I thought having my brother there it might take the spotlight off me for a bit. But I need to do this for me so I will go alone. Day 175 today! A x

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  8. Angie - where exactly are you in Australia? Have you tried asking on your blog if anyone loves nearby? And I could ask on mine! And going to a meeting is a great idea. Sometimes a proper hug from a real life sober buddy is what we need.

    You're a great Mum. The little guy doesn't remember the drinking because that's so not what defines you in his eyes. You rock xxx

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    1. Hi SM, I am in Melbourne. Thank you for your kind words. I think I am a work in progress and I am working on being the best mum I can be. A x

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  9. Hey Angie if you want to you can drop me an email at juniorburger71@outlook.com I I was at the football last night also (assuming Richmond v Sydney?) as 7yo son did Auskick before hand. Only day 6 for me but would definitely be keen to join you at a meeting (think i mentioned i went to one and it was really supportive). There is a womens group I'm keen to try also. Anyways drop me an email if you like and we can talk some more. JB xo

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    1. Hi JB, Congrats on day 6, that's awesome. So you went to a meeting? Which day was it? I am keen to go to one next Friday afternoon. Not sure what sort of meeting it is but I'll try and go anyway. I will send you an email tomorrow. I'm curious about the women's group too. Thanks JB. A x

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    2. Drop me a line and we'll chat - my experience was that it's really not that scary and even if you find it's not for you nothing lost. JB xo

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    3. Drop me a line and we'll chat - my experience was that it's really not that scary and even if you find it's not for you nothing lost. JB xo

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    4. That's true. If it's not for me, I don't have to go back. I'm so nervous about going though!

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  11. Sorry my comments always come in duplicate hence the deletion!

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  12. Hi Angie, it is good to find your blog, I am encoraged by others who have walked this path before me. I am in Western Australia. I also worry about the impact my drinking has had on my children. I can't change the past but I sure as hell will work hard at changing my future xx

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    1. Hi Daniella, we can't change the past can we, but you are right, we can sure as hell work at changing the future. We can do it! How far along are you on your journey? I am in Melbourne. A x

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    2. Only 6 long long days in.....

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    3. 6 days is great! You are doing really well. A x

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  13. Angie, as they say, "The past is never going to get better." I, too, have regrets about the way I raised my children while drinking, you are so ahead of me by giving it up while your son is young, I waited until my own were adults. Kept listening to that insidious voice in my head telling me that my drinking didn't affect them, that I was a "fun" mom when I drank. All total crap. I, also, am spending the rest of my life making it up to them. It's a light sentence that I'm willing to serve. If you want some company on Saturday nights, I often host a Women's Only Chat at the Moderation Management Chatroom. You can find the details over on my blog. It's a mix of women who have quit drinking, who are trying to quit drinking, and women who are trying to moderate their drinking. We all get along well and usually end up talking about yoga or our favorite shows, but we do manage to squeeze in some talk about the special issues women face when facing their drinking problem.

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    1. Hi Kary May, that is so true - the past is not going to get better. So I need to concentrate on the future. But I feel like I need to deal with the past before i can do this. I will have a look at the Women's Chat room, thanks for the tip. A x

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  14. Angie,
    You are great mom!
    Lucy, at a HangOverFreeLife, has a post about how mom and dad's drinking affects children.
    http://ahangoverfreelife.com/2016/05/11/11-year-olds-drink-alcohol-hint-parents/
    Also, I have met some wonderful women in my AA groups!
    You are doing so well!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy, I will check out Lucy's blog. I am hoping to get to a meeting later this week. A x

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  15. Wonderful blog you have here Angie. I'm a husband and father doing the sober thing here in America. I'd like to add your posts to my site so new posts appear there. I hope that's OK. Spread the joy! The joy in basic living exists! It really does. Like you making pancakes for your kids...you can find me at www.markgoodson.com

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    1. Hi Mark, thanks for your comment. I'm happy for you to add my blog. I love finding the joy in simple things. Who knew it was possible?! I will check out your website. A x

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