I haven't blogged for a while. I've wanted to but the words wouldn't come. A lot of what I need to say isn't sobriety related so I wondered if I should write it. But I need to get it out, so here I am.
I have been really really down the last week or so and I am struggling to lift myself back up. It started when I had an appointment with a gynecologist for my endometriosis and he told me that I would need another operation (I had one in 2012) and that he also wants to put in an IUD. Now logically, I know the chances of me having another baby are impossible but a part of me always held out hope. I thought there may be a miracle and I would get my much wanted second child. After all, it does happen doesn't it? I have read about it. Women who think they are in menopause but find themselves to be pregnant, a lovely surprise late in life. But deep down I know this won't happen, especially given my medical problems. But by putting in the IUD, it takes my chances away for good, it is so final. And this fills me with a deep sadness. It's all I've been thinking about and I am just so depressed and tearful all the time. It is all consuming. And I don't know what to do.
I am struggling with getting older. I am not ready. I feel like I have wasted half my life and I won't ever get that time back. I am filled with so much regret about the choices I have made in my life. I know I can't change anything and that I am wasting so much energy thinking like this but I can't help it. If only if only if only....things could have been so different.
I know I need to see someone about this. I'm not sure I can deal with this on my own. I haven't spoken to my husband, because I am so used to bottling everything up, but I'm really struggling this time.
I am not drinking. Today I am on day 72. I can't quite believe it! But I've hardly been thinking about not drinking. From time to time I think about drinking when the 100 days are over, but I just put the thoughts aside for now because I still have 28 days left to not drink.
On a positive note, I told my friend C that I'm not drinking for 100 days. We met for coffee after school last Friday and she was asking me if I was still not drinking. So I told her how good I felt, how I am doing this to see if my health improves and if I lose weight, which is all true. And I told her that I'm doing this for 100 days. She thinks I am doing really well. I'm glad I told her, it makes it so much easier.
So that is where I'm at. Not in a good place. But I hope I will feel better soon. I don't want to feel like this anymore.