Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Struggling

I haven't blogged for a while. I've wanted to but the words wouldn't come. A lot of what I need to say isn't sobriety related so I wondered if I should write it. But I need to get it out, so here I am.

I have been really really down the last week or so and I am struggling to lift myself back up. It started when I had an appointment with a gynecologist for my endometriosis and he told me that I would need another operation (I had one in 2012) and that he also wants to put in an IUD. Now logically, I know the chances of me having another baby are impossible but a part of me always held out hope. I thought there may be a miracle and I would get my much wanted second child. After all, it does happen doesn't it? I have read about it. Women who think they are in menopause but find themselves to be pregnant, a lovely surprise late in life. But deep down I know this won't happen, especially given my medical problems. But by putting in the IUD, it takes my chances away for good, it is so final. And this fills me with a deep sadness. It's all I've been thinking about and I am just so depressed and tearful all the time. It is all consuming. And I don't know what to do.

I am struggling with getting older. I am not ready. I feel like I have wasted half my life and I won't ever get that time back. I am filled with so much regret about the choices I have made in my life. I know I can't change anything and that I am wasting so much energy thinking like this but I can't help it. If only if only if only....things could have been so different.

I know I need to see someone about this. I'm not sure I can deal with this on my own. I haven't spoken to my husband, because I am so used to bottling everything up, but I'm really struggling this time.

I am not drinking. Today I am on day 72. I can't quite believe it! But I've hardly been thinking about not drinking. From time to time I think about drinking when the 100 days are over, but I just put the thoughts aside for now because I still have 28 days left to not drink.

On a positive note, I told my friend C that I'm not drinking for 100 days. We met for coffee after school last Friday and she was asking me if I was still not drinking. So I told her how good I felt, how I am doing this to see if my health improves and if I lose weight, which is all true. And I told her that I'm doing this for 100 days. She thinks I am doing really well. I'm glad I told her, it makes it so much easier.

So that is where I'm at. Not in a good place. But I hope I will feel better soon. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

A x
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13 comments:

  1. Ainsobriety29 July 2015 at 01:03

    I'm so sorry.
    Clearly this is a huge issue, and it deserves some sadness. Children are a gift. And I feel for you.
    Have you talked to your doctor about alcohol and endometriosis? You might consider putting off any surgery for a while. Alcohol seriously impacts hormones. I was in early menopause in 2013 and I have suddenly started getting periods again. I don't think we realize just how negatively drinking regularly can impact fertility.

    PAWS is also a real thing. It can amplify other ups and especially downs. So take care of yourself. Drinking will not help any of this at all.

    As part of my personal recovery I have let Go of the though that I have wasted part of my life sitting on the couch drinking wine. Yes. It is true, it happened. But that doesn't need to impact today. Today is a perfect day to live, laugh and love. And that is all that matters.

    Forgiving myself for being caught up in the clutches of addiction and compulsive behaviour was an important step for me. And to make living amends to myself I must remain sober.

    Like maya Angelou said- when you know better, you do better. I try to live by that.

    Big hug.

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    Replies
    1. Angie29 July 2015 at 09:46

      Thanks Anne, I haven't talked to my doctor about alcohol. It's a bit late I think. The endo is already there and it's not going to go away just because I'm not drinking (unfortunately) My surgery won't be for a couple of months anyway. I know alcohol can affect hormones. I am on day 73 today. When will things start to improve?
      I have considered PAWS. It may exacerbate things but the sadness is real regardless. I sometimes wonder if it's depression, or just a natural sadness. It's just so hard to pick myself up. It is such a heavy feeling.
      I want to let go of the regret. But it's hard. God I'm a mess at the moment!!
      Thank you for your support. A x

      Delete
    2. Ainsobriety30 July 2015 at 01:23

      Hormone wise it too me a long time. If it was what was Impacting me, perhaps combined with adrenal fatigue, 18 months.

      Depression is part of paws and it can last for years. But it can also be something that we had before sobriety. I became despondent. At about 6 weeks sober, when I had deteriorated to staring at the wall and being unable to deal with anything without tears, I finally accepted I needed medication. It has changed my life. I was obviously depressed for many years.

      I don't think I could have let go of the regret without getting the help of my doctor and therapist. Being willing to admit I was depressed seemed harder than admitting I needed to quit drinking.

      But I was. And obviously had had episode since I was a teen.

      Be gentle with yourself. Stay away from alcohol. It will not help any of these hard things get better.
      Anne

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    3. Angie30 July 2015 at 09:56

      I sometimes wonder if medication would help. But how do you know if it's 'real' depression or just feeling down? Sometimes it all just seems too hard.

      Delete
    4. Ainsobriety31 July 2015 at 02:49

      I refused to believe I had real depression. But I got to the point where I almost couldn't function. I started at the wall. I was so sad. And I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
      My therapist was adamant I talk to my doctor. Or iron ably never would have.
      I exercised, ate well, etc.
      no. It's beyond that for me. The medication has changed everything. Particularly my anxiety. Which had been there forever.

      Sadness is normal. Even depression. Alcohol makes both much worse. Medication isn't for everyone, but it has been the right choice for me.

      Delete
    5. Angie31 July 2015 at 10:29

      I will see how I go. If this sadness/depression doesn't go, I will talk to my doctor. It's awful feeling like this all the time. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It helps. A x

      Delete
  2. Untipsyteacher29 July 2015 at 06:13

    Dear Angie,
    I am very sorry you are feeling down.
    There is nothing worse.
    I never could have kids.
    I never knew why.
    I went through some grieving about this.
    Feelings are normal, but when they get to the point where we can't cope, then it is good to write and talk them out with safe people.
    Sending you a big hug and love.
    xo
    Wendy

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    Replies
    1. Angie29 July 2015 at 09:49

      Hi Wendy,
      I'm sorry you went through this. How did you cope with the grief? That must have been so hard. I have a friend who was unable to have children too and she tried for over 10 years. Then I feel guilty for feeling like this because I have a beautiful son while others have none. But I can't help it, it's how I feel.
      Thank you for your support. It helps.
      A x

      Delete
    2. Kats7629 July 2015 at 18:21

      Hi Angie, Sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I have been thinking of your sadness all night. I have often read that secondary infertility is really tough and heart breaking so don't undermine your sadness. Yes some people have no children but that doesn't mean you can't be sad you didn't have another. Of course you are thankful for your beautiful boy but your emotions have really surfaced now regarding the finality of it all and maybe in the past the drink blocked this out but drink isn't there now. I am an expert on nothing but maybe you should talk to a doctor and tease out if you are indeed depressed. Its hard to carry all this on your own. And if you are going through a bout of depression I really think you should talk to someone. I hope you feel better soon. You have done amazing sticking to your 100 day pledge and are part of my inspiration in undertaking it too...now nearly on day 20 : ) Kats xx

      Delete
    3. Angie30 July 2015 at 09:53

      Thanks Kats. Yes, secondary infertility is hard. I guess I just thought it would still happen somehow. But the odds are against me. I have try and make peace with this. Somehow. Thank you for thinking of me. It helps to know I have online support. There isn't really anyone I can talk to about this IRL.
      Maybe drinking did block out a lot of feelings. Or put them off. Hopefully I can get through this. A x

      Delete
  3. Bren Murphy2 August 2015 at 08:01

    Hi Angie,
    Hope you are staying strong and talking through this. Keep everything going, you are making real progress and being very brave.
    Thanks
    bren

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    Replies
    1. Angie3 August 2015 at 09:33

      Thanks Bren. I don't feel brave. I feel weak. Like I should snap out of it. Like I'm being self indulgent and wallowing in self pity. There are other people much worse off than me. Hopefully I will feel better soon. A x

      Delete
    2. Ainsobriety4 August 2015 at 01:50

      Comparing ourselves to others is not helpful.
      If you are really down, that is all that matters. You.
      Please take care. See your doctor. Check your iron, thyroid, etc

      Delete

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