So, I was helping mum with the roast dinner last night when she asks me 'are you doing your no wine thing?' To which I muttered something like 'yes, I'm having a bit of a break'. But I honestly can't remember what I said (and it was only last night!!) It just threw me I guess. The casual way she said it, like it was no big deal, like it was a bit of fad, not to be taken too seriously, really annoyed me. On the one hand, I don't want to make a big deal about it. I don't want to come out and say 'mum, I have a drinking problem and am trying to stop' because that would be admitting to her that I have a problem. But at the same time, some recognition would be good. Mum gave me such a hard time last time I was here and drinking a bottle of wine every night, you'd think she would at least say 'that's great Angela, well done'. And when I think how much I have agonised over the last couple of years about cutting down and then stopping drinking, about how exhausting it is to be constantly thinking about drinking; the planning, the hangovers and all consuming nature of a drinking problem, to have it reduced to 'a wine thing' just really really annoyed me.
I know this is my problem, not my mums. She just made an innocent comment. And I am contradicting myself by saying I don't want to make a big deal about it but at the same time I want some recognition. I'm probably not even making any sense here. But I need to get it off my chest so here I am.
I've spoken about my brother before, the one with the serious drinking problem. We all worry about him. Anyway, he seems to be really trying to cut down and is even talking about doing an unofficial Dry July, which is fantastic! Mum keeps saying how well he is doing, which is great too. But I feel like stomping my foot and saying 'what about me?!' I guess it's my fault because I haven't made an announcement. I haven't come out and said 'hey everyone, I'm giving up drinking'. I feel like a petulant 15 year old who has the sulks. What's wrong with me?!
This is a big deal to me. It is constantly on my mind. But I have to remind myself that other people aren't mind readers and unless I tell them, they can't possibly know what I am going through.
It's funny how different a relationship mothers have with their sons than their daughters. I know I get treated differently than my 3 brothers. It can be a good thing, but also a bad thing. I feel like she makes allowances for my brothers whereas she is harder on me. I don't know, maybe I'm imagining it.
Anyway, I could go on and on all day. God forbid I delve too deeply into my emotions, I might have to actually deal with them! Something I DO need to do, but not today. Not here.
It's freezing here today and it's raining. So an inside day in front of the fire. Lovely.
Day 46.
A x
Angie, I so understand you. It is a big deal for us. For us. Others might not even understand it, or see it as an issue. And mothers are definitely harder on their daughters than sons. Maybe because they are trying to make us into something, someone they never got to be? You are doing great and this is all that matters. Don't dwell on it too long.
ReplyDeleteAngie, My mother offered me a sip of her wine when we were out for lunch the other day. I have been sober for 4 months. I was horrified, I said "Mom, I don't drink" and her response was" I"m just tempting you"! After thinking about it for a few days I realized that when I did tell her I stopped drinking she had asked if I had a problem with drinking and I told her "No I just don't like it anymore". So thinking about it I have realized I expect her to be a mind reader while I was never really honest about my drinking. In her mind it's as if I'm on a diet and have done really well and lost all the weight and now I can have a few desserts now. So I guess we can't expect for people to know what's going on in our minds if we are not honest with them. Congrats on your sobriety!
ReplyDeleteAngie,
ReplyDeleteI like what both Time and 3 Sons said.
When I finally decided I had to do something drastic to stop drinking, I told everyone that I had a big problem.
Then my mom was proud of me.
I am glad you are not going to let it get to you.
One thing I am definitely gaining is a better sense of when to get upset about something.
Be proud of yourself for yourself!!!
xo
Wendy
eugh emotions. Hate those little feicers. You're doing great by the way. xxx
ReplyDeleteI get this post Angie and all the hurt that comes with it! My parents haven't acknowledged my efforts of getting sober even once and it's been 6 months! They won't even visit me at my house when they come to town because I don't drink. I'm not sure if they're afraid because it might make them take a closer look at themselves and how their destructive drinking has caused pain or if they're afraid because they're not sure if they could drink around me anymore. They don't talk about it and I'm okay with that now. I've decided to just continue to concentrate on my sobriety and focus on ME and my kids....my family now. When they are ready to chat, I'll be here. I still love them dearly but I'm learning that I can't control other people's reactions or ways of life. As long as I stay sober, my mind is clear and healthy. Everything else will fall into place. Hugs. Jen
ReplyDeleteMaybe she doesn't know how to acknowledge it, if she thinks it's a sensitive issue because you've not welcomed comments before then she may be holding back. With your brothers drinking I presume you've both openly expressed your concerns to each other therefore it's easier for her to comment about how he's doing ... relationships are complex!!!
ReplyDeletei think it is hurtful she didn't acknowledge it. And somewhere there is probably a reason for it. I think something like this could be a trigger. Don;t let it be, you are doing amazing and seem so much happier despite this. i hope she acknowledges it for you, she really mustn't understand it would mean a lot.
ReplyDelete