Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Day 80


Wow! Who would have thought? Certainly not me. 80 days ago I signed up to the 100 day challenge, not really believing in my heart that I could do it. But I wanted to give it a good go. I knew I could do 20 - 30 days. Even 42 at a stretch. But it was getting harder and harder. And I could never keep going. So I thought I'd try 100 days. A good long stretch. But I really wasn't sure if I could do it. No matter I thought, I will give it a try. And here I am, on day 80.

It really does make a difference; being AF for such a lot of days. 30 days isn't long enough to get a real idea of the benefits of not drinking. I am so glad I am doing this, have nearly done it.

But I have to confess, the thought of drinking at the end of my 100 days does pop into my mind from time to time. But I just push them away for now. Crazy I know.

In terms of my sadness (I wrote depression but then deleted it, not sure why?) I am feeling a little better. I still have tearful moments throughout the day, but it's not as bad. It sits in the background, hovering, but I am able to move past it for a while. So hopefully I am getting better. I try not to think about the surgery and what I am going to do. Procrastination is my best friend. Head in the sand, that's me. Dealing with painful emotions is hard, so I try to push them down. I've done it all my life. One day I will explode I'm sure.

Off to dinner with our friends tonight. My friend C has been good about my not drinking, I think she has gotten used to it. We were at her house last weekend for a baby shower and I even told another friend that I wasn't drinking for 100 days. People are a lot more accepting than I thought they'd be. They don't really care actually. I guess it's because they are normal drinkers themselves and have no idea what it's like for problem drinkers.

I'm still waiting for the weight loss to happen. That's the really annoying thing. All those calories from wine not being consumed and I haven't lost any weight. So FRUSTRATING!! I don't get it. I know I'm eating more chocolate, but surely that's not nearly as much calories as a bottle of wine every night? I just don't get it! (It doesn't help that hubby keeps buying chocolate. If it's in the house, I will eat it!)

So that's me. 80 days. Maybe I should get myself a treat?

A x





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19 comments:

  1. Ainsobriety6 August 2015 at 00:16

    You should definitely get yourself a treat.
    I know I drank in stepdad of eating. So you might think you are saving calories, but it isn't that simple.
    It is the rare person who loses weight in early sobriety. Now is the time for self acceptance. Exactly as you are. Make peace with your body. It is an awesome machine.

    Anyway, before you consider drinking again at 100 days I implore you to go back and read your blog again. All of it.

    It has taken time to get these 100 days. It might take even longer to get another 100. Sober momentum is a precious thing. Like our heart, we need to nurture it.

    I have yet to see a good story about someone who worked hard to get a period of sobriety and decided to drink again.

    Just think about these things. Drinking only amplified depression, sadness and discontent.

    What will you be giving up by going back? What might you gain?

    Anyway- congratulations on 80 days. You do deserve a treat. And I am really glad you feel a bit better. Feelings are hard. I'm still trying to figure mine out. It may take the next 43 years.

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
  2. Angie6 August 2015 at 09:25

    Hi Anne, you are right. It has taken time to get here. . It has taken a lot of stress and angst. I am not going to give these days away lightly. i will go back and read my blog. I might need reminding. It's funny how you forget how bad it was.

    Yes, feelings are hard. I have access to a free councellor at work but I am reluctant to use the service because I'm scared it might get back to my boss. What do you think? Would it be safe? I would really love to talk to someone. I'm sick of carrying this stress with me all the time. I'm tired.
    A x

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  3. Ainsobriety6 August 2015 at 13:55

    I decided to pay for a councillor to avoid any potential work conflict. I work in a safety sensitive industry and substance abuse is taken seriously. Tons of help is available, but I decided to avoid work being involved.
    It is expensive, but worth every penny.

    It sounds like you would really benefit from it. To let those pent up thoughts be voiced in a supportive atmosphere is really amazing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie8 August 2015 at 10:12

      I think I should do the same. They say they are confidential but there is always that fear.
      I think I would definitely benefit from it. A x

      Delete
  4. Kats766 August 2015 at 21:41

    Hi Angie, you are doing so well. 80 days wow, think how far u have come, its so hard not to think of what to do at day 100. i am nearly on day 30! I had a few down days recently and v anxious and upset re an event that happened with family. i thought those feelings were only ones i got after drinking so then it got me wondering if i feel like that without drink well why not drink anyway...you know the story. but i didn't and i'm glad, i will see this out and see what happens next. try to talk to someone. its hard to know where to start though. I wouldn't know where to begin. I am normally ok mood wise so this mood swing has me perplexed, i think it must be hormones. going to look into a good fish oil and some b vitamins i think. failing that i think i will see a doctor. Hope u feel better soon. xxxx

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    Replies
    1. Angie8 August 2015 at 10:14

      Thanks Kats. 30 days is awesome! Well done. You must be up to day 32 now? It's possible hormones play a part but I think mine runs a bit deeper than that. I will try and get the courage to talk to someone. A x

      Delete
  5. Kary May7 August 2015 at 00:37

    Congratulations on 80 days! You have given yourself an invaluable gift that so many of us drinkers never received, the gift of knowledge. Knowledge of what life without drinking looks like. You now know that it isn't the scary barren waste land that we all imagined it was. It is a place in which we grow and bloom without the stunting stinging rain of alcohol. You will carry that with you as you go about trying to moderate, you will be able to pull it out if the going gets rough. You will always know there is a place you can go. Good for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kary May7 August 2015 at 00:41

      I want to add one more thing. Be cautious when you drink again, but don't feel guilty. You still have questions about whether you can drink moderately or not and you need to gather your own answers. If you don't do that, you will always wonder if there is a different life you were meant for, a better life. For many of us, a life with alcohol isn't a better life, but you are the only one who can decide that for yourself.
      Go find your answers. Go find "your" life.

      Delete
    2. Angie8 August 2015 at 10:19

      Thanks Kary.
      I am so thankful to have these sober days. 83 of them so far. I never thought I could do it, yet here I am! It has definitely given me knowledge on how to live a sober life. I have learnt a lot so far. I suspect I will want to be back here if I drink again. We'll see. I haven't decided 100% yet. Maybe it just that evil voice trying to get me to drink again. How to know?! A x

      Delete
  6. Untipsyteacher7 August 2015 at 10:42

    Dear Angie,
    I see a therapist for my anxiety and depression.
    A good one is very helpful.
    Are you getting enough exercise?
    Easier said than done, however.
    I always play the drinking tape to the very end.
    It was not pretty.
    Here is a hug from Minnesota!
    xo
    Wendy

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    Replies
    1. Angie8 August 2015 at 10:22

      Hi Wendy,
      No, I'm not getting enough exercise. I have a sore hip at the moment and other pain related to the endo so it's hard. Plus it's hard to find motivation when you are feeling down. I know it would help me feel better.
      Yes, I will play the drinking tape to the end. I don't want to go back to that place. I don't want any more bad endings.
      Thanks for the hug. A x

      Delete
    2. KB10 August 2015 at 11:29

      Congratulations to you! I am trying to cut back on the wine too myself at the moment. Keep up the good work!

      Delete
    3. Angie12 August 2015 at 09:11

      Thanks KB. You will so much better. Hope it's going well. A x

      Delete
  7. Time and the Bottle11 August 2015 at 05:49

    Huge congratulations on day 80! I have to admit that I felt a little jealous. I could've been day 80 as well. If... There is always an "if." So so happy for you. Thank you for your support. You are my inspiration.

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    1. Angie12 August 2015 at 09:13

      Thanks TatB. Great to have you back. It's easy to say 'what if' but it eats you up inside. Just keep trying, that's all you can do. Am here if you need me. Feel free to email m on angiem2801@gmail.com if you need to chat. A x

      Delete
  8. Anonymous11 August 2015 at 06:36

    Hi angie well done you!! 83 days now!! I personally think you would be crazy to drink after doing so well but I can see your temptation. Why don't you set yourself another challenge, maybe another 100 days so it's still not forever xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angie12 August 2015 at 09:18

      Thanks ESE. I have been thinking of extending the challenge. It seems a shame to spoil it after all this time. I don't want to go back to feeling miserable. I am probably deluding myself thinking I can be in control now. A x

      Delete
  9. Ainsobriety19 August 2015 at 02:28

    Angie
    How are you? You are nearing 100 days...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous19 August 2015 at 16:35

    Hey there hope you're doing ok, not heard from you in a while, keep posting xx

    ReplyDelete

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