A new year... Day 4

A new year, a new start. Well, almost. I wanted day 1 to be on New Years Day but it didn't happen. But I was thinking about it and whilst I didn't quite get there, I had my last drink on January 3rd. Which makes today day 4. It feels good to be back here. But I'm cautious because I have been here before. I really want to make it different this time. But even as I say that, the thought of not drinking ever again scares the shit out of me. So, I'm going to try and take on board the advice that I've been given by others who have traveled this road before me - I am not going to think about forever and concentrate only on today. Besides, if I keep drinking the way I have been, there will be no forever to begin with and I really want to have a future. A happy and healthy one.

Last year may have been filled with failed attempts, but I have to look at the positives. It's the first year that I've really looked hard at my drinking and tried to stop. In May I started to keep a hand written journal and started to have alcohol free nights. I managed 2, 3 and sometimes even 4 nights in a row with no wine and that was huge for me. I jotted down some of my thoughts and it felt good to be finally doing something about my drinking. June wasn't great with only a handful of AF nights but it was then that I decided to do Dry July. I managed to complete the whole month with an extra day AF and I was so proud of myself. In fact, everyone was proud of me and it felt great. Then I started drinking again though. I felt so much better not drinking but thought I might be ok then. That I could drink sensibly. Which of course I couldn't. So after 10 days of drinking again I signed up for Hello Sunday Morning and vowed to not drink for 3 months. I managed 31 days before giving in again. I felt like such a failure. I drank for 2 weeks then got back into it and managed 42 days AF. 6 whole weeks!!! It was wonderful! But then I had a fancy ball to attend and I gave myself permission to drink again because you just can't go to such an event and not drink the French champagne that is flowing in abundance. And of course there were catch ups with friends in the lead up to Christmas and then the day itself, followed by New Years Eve. I just couldn't imagine not drinking at any of these occasions. So I gave myself permission to drink. So of course I ended up back where I was in the beginning. Except now I knew how good it felt to have periods of sobriety. So it wasn't all bad even though I failed each time. I managed to have some good breaks from alcohol and it felt great.

But I need to try something new. Because whilst my breaks from alcohol were great, they didn't last. I have to stop thinking I am having a 'break' from wine and think more long term. Which is where I get into trouble because the forever thing gets me every time.

Wish me luck!

A x