I have always had self esteem issues. I always thought it was just me, that's just how I am. I had a rocky childhood and thought it just stemmed from that. Over the years, I've read about all sorts of reasons for low self esteem. One of them was from your childhood. If your mother had issues with self esteem then there's a good chance you will too. And my mum, who is 74, still has major self esteem issues. Mum has said to me time and again "but you have know reason to feel this way, you are beautiful and lovely" (as mothers always tell their daughters!) But for whatever reason, I do feel this way.
As far back as primary school, being only around 11 or 12, I remember having feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough, and desperately wanting to be one of the popular crowd. I so wanted to be liked. I had a small group of friends but I always felt like I was putting on a role, trying to be better so they would like me. This continued through to high school. It was particularly difficult though as we moved from the city up to a small country town (to get away from my father) so I started high school not knowing anyone at all. Once again, I made a few friends, but I always wanted to be one of the 'cool' girls. And high school can be tough. Girls can be mean and they were to me. As I grew into my own and lost some of my geekiness, the boys started liking me and girls started to dislike me even more. Thankfully I was a good girl and didn't get up to anything with the boys (I was trying too hard to be liked by the girls, I didn't care what the boys felt!) This was the way it was all through high school. It was exhausting!
And here I am, at 46 years old, and I still feel insecure about myself. I go to work and try really hard to be one of the 'gang', to be liked by everyone. It doesn't matter that I am about 20 years older than most of them, I just want to fit in. It's pathetic really. Why haven't I grown up?!
I think I'm just beginning to realise why. Drinking all these years has stunted my emotional growth, and whilst the self esteem issues were always there, I didn't have a chance to get over them because I lost myself a long time ago. I don't know who I am and I don't even like myself half the time. I waste far too much energy on how I look and what other people think of me. I feel like a fraud.
Why can't I be happy with myself? Being who I am. Sure, I need to lose 10kg but that isn't the end of the world. I'm not that bad. I see other people carrying a lot more weight than me and they seem happy and confident. Why can't I feel like that? I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
Day 9 today.