Today is the first day of the school holidays. I was going to take my son into the city to see the Myer Christmas windows. We were going to go on the train and it was going to be an adventure. We were going to have a great time.
Instead I am feeling sick with a dreadful headache and still in my pyjamas and have spent the whole morning in bed. My son has been on the ipod all morning and asking me when am I going to get up? I feel so bad for him. I told him mummy doesn't feel very well and that we're going to have a quiet day today instead. Thankfully he is a very resilient boy and is fine with that. But it's not right. I really wanted the first day of the holidays to be special.
Last night we went out for dinner with another couple and their son. We had a great time. My friend and I shared 2 bottles of wine together then hubby got me another one and I had more at home. Yes, we had fun last night, but it's just not worth feeling this bad for the next day. I started drinking again because I just couldn't handle the thought of never drinking ever again and I knew that there would be heaps of occasions over November/December where we would be catching up with friends who drink and I didn't want to be the only one not drinking. And it was fun. But why then do I feel so bad?
I really want today to be another day 1. And it might be for a while. But I just know that I will succumb again because the forever thing scares the hell out of me.
I think this problem is bigger than me and that I need to get some help. I just can't seem to admit it yet.
A x
Help is a good start.
ReplyDeleteI quit drinking in early December last year. I just couldn't drank my drunk self through another holiday season.
It was really hard, but really worth it.
There is a lot of life to be lived!
Anne
Thanks Anne. I'd love to be able to do that too. But I am struggling with the thought of an AF Christmas. Why is this so hard?! It felt great when I had 6 weeks AF over October/November, why can't get to that place again? A x
ReplyDeleteI am about to face my first Christmas AF and I admit, it's daunting. The secret is very simple...it really is "one day at a time." That means not thinking about forever, but just today. I have gotten through my first 100 days this way and plan to get through the holidays. I will stick to diet soda and if anyone asks, I'll tell them that I quit to lose weight (which is half the truth). When you start your day, just say to yourself, "I will not drink. Not today." Don't let yourself dwell on the future. That's one of the tricks your drinking brain will play on you...it will make you fear the future and give up on today. Don't let your drinking brain trick you. Pay attention to times when you want a drink and be ready with the tools to get through that craving. Take a hot shower, have some tea... it's not as hard when you tackle it one craving at a time. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your advice. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your comment earlier. I guess I avoided my blog because I was caught up with Christmas and I hate to say it, with drinking. But you're right, that's what I need to do. Not think about 'forever' and just think about today. Today I am on day 4 and it feels good to be here. I just hope I can keep it up this time. A x
DeleteYou've said it yourself: you can't stop drinking because you cannot imagine it being forever. After 21 months sober, forever still scares the s*** out of me (what about my boozy lunches and afternoons in retirement?) so I don't think about it. In my early days, each time a social event came up I decided I would try it once, only once sober, and if it was truly awful I would allow myself to return to drinking the next time. Because there will always be a next time. Even annual events, in the first year I thought I would at least try them sober and then re assess what I thought about it all. If I chose to go back to drinking, then that would be my choice. No pressure. No ultimatum. I restricted my thoughts as far as the next occasion.
ReplyDeleteI never regretted not drinking.
The anxiety of the first 1/2 hour of the event was minuscule compared to the benefits of the next 23 1/2.
Start small. Baby steps. It's a marathon not a sprint.
Lots of help around. I read loads of sober blogs and sober books.
Thinking of you.
Rx
Thanks so much for your advice Rachel. Sorry I didn't respond to your comment earlier either. As I said to Geek Girl, I think I was avoiding my blog because I was caught up with Christmas and with drinking. Your advice is so helpful. I read your book and you really gave me hope. I thought if you could do it, then I could too. I guess I just wasn't ready yet. today I am on day 4 and it feels really good to be here. I just hope I can keep it up this time. A x
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