So, I got to 24 days AF and then it was my birthday. I was looking forward to having my first sober birthday since I was about, I don't know, maybe 18 or 19? I honestly can't remember. I may have had sober birthdays before but just can't remember. So many years have passed and my memory isn't that great.
Anyway, we went out for dinner with our friends (a couple we have gotten close to and really enjoy their company and Mr 8 is good friends with their son) I was planning on not drinking and I knew our friends would understand as when I did dry July and Ocsober last year they were really supportive. But suddenly, I just felt like having a drink on my birthday, so just like that I ordered a sparkling wine. And I enjoyed it. Our friends then arrived and we had a few drinks together. I didn't go crazy, enjoyed about 4 glasses (not large glasses) and thought, maybe I can do this, just have a few one night and then be sober for the rest of the week. After we left OH asked me if I wanted to get some wine on the way home and I said no!! I went home and drank water and felt fine the next day. But then the next night, I shared a bottle of bubbly with OH and then 3/4 a bottle of wine and woke up feeling quite ordinary yesterday morning. Which reminded me once again why I had given up drinking in the first place. But then I had a bottle of bubbly again last night because we couldn't let the strawberries go to waste now could we?! And I finished the rest of the wine. Today I feel ok. But what will happen tonight, and the next nights? What happened to my thoughts of drinking a few on one night and then not again till the next occasion? I just know I can't do it. I know that before I know it I will be drinking again every night and feeling miserable and struggling to stop again.
When we were having dinner with our friends our hubbies went of to the games room and my friend and I were chatting. I told her I had not had a drink for 24 days and how I had been planning on not drinking that night. She told me how good I was for having a break. We spoke about drinking too much and how we want to lose some weight and I get the feeling that she drinks a bit too much too. But does that mean she has a problem? I don't know. Some people seem to be able to drink most nights and not have a problem. Or maybe they do but just don't speak about it?
I have decided to sign up for Febfast. I find it easier when I am doing it publicly and then no one questions why I'm doing it. Then I know I can't drink for x amount of days and will hopefully continue once the challenge is over. The longest I've managed before is 42 days.
So will I drink tonight? Probably. But Febfast starts tomorrow - so a fresh start.
A x
Do you have outside support? A therapist you are hot nest with? aA? Sorry-I forget if I have asked before!
ReplyDeleteShort periods of sobriety are good, but the magic is in the recovery process. Of becoming more self aware and understanding more about what causes us to drink more than we want, or more often than we want.
Comparing to others is tough. Most people will hide what they see as weakness. And drinking is so socially acceptable that drinking daily doesn't seem concerning. But in the end it is how we feel about ourselves that really matters.
For me, drinking was feeding into some deep dissatisfaction and there was definitely no solution that didn't start with sobriety. Trust me, it tried really, really hard to find one.
Silly me. I just delayed finding this beautiful sober life.
Happy birthday!
Anne
Thanks for your words of wisdom Anne. You are right as usual. I am trying to get my head around the fact that this needs to be a permanent thing but I don't think I'm quite there yet. How to get there?! I have signed up for Febfast so my family and friends will know I'm not drinking for a month. So at least I will have 28 days AF and hopefully I can keep going after that. I don't see a therapist but I think it would be beneficial. Maybe I need to look into that? A x
ReplyDeleteSeeing a therapist has been the main at liberating thing I have ever done. Someone to vent to and to help you understand yourself.
ReplyDeleteWas your therapist a sobriety specialist or a therapist in general? I've been thinking of seeing someone for a while now for other reasons. Maybe it would be helpful for the drinking thing too?
Delete