So, I find myself back here again. I drank last night. I managed 42 alcohol free days. I did Ocsober and kept going and managed 6 weeks. I am so proud of myself because that's the longest I've gone without alcohol. But if I'm honest with myself, I had been toying with drinking again for a couple of weeks. It seems to happen like this each time I've had a stint of sobriety. I feel wonderful and love not drinking. But then I start to think that moderation sounds good. And that this time I think I can manage it. So yes, last night we went out for dinner and I had a few drinks.
I didn't really enjoy it. It tasted awful and I wondered, even as I was drinking it, had it always tasted this bad? But I drank it of course. And another. And a couple more when I got home. I felt pretty average this morning. I went back to bed after dropping Mr 7 at school. And now I remember why I stopped.
So we will see. Can I be sensible about it this time?
Oh, and I changed my blog title. Just felt like a change.
A x
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Thursday, 2 October 2014
Feels good to be back
It felt great to wake up hangover free this morning. I was tired because we had a late-ish night and dh was snoring, but that was ok. We drove up to the snow today. We were told that there was still a lot left up there so we thought seeing as it's only a couple of hours away from mum's place we might as well go and show D how wonderful the snow is. We did take him a few years ago but he couldn't really remember it and now that he is nearly 8 we thought he'd have a great time. There wasn't as much up there as we thought there would be but there was enough to make a snow man and to have a snowball fight. It felt so good to be in the fresh, crisp air and to experience the stillness of the mountains. It was good actually that it wasn't the winter when there is heaps of snow because it would have been a lot busier. This way, we had our patch of snow almost to ourselves.
On the way back we stopped into a camping site (where we've also been before when D was younger) and had a snack. It was amazing because there dozens of kangaroos grazing in the grass and lot of the mums had joey's in their pouches. They were so close! It was a wonderful site. We are so lucky to be close to all that nature here in mum's country town. We really take it for granted sometimes.
So a wonderful but tiring day! When we were on the mountain in the snow I was trying to imagine if the experience would have been better if I'd had a glass or two of wine. And I can honestly say that it wouldn't have been. We had a great time without it. I was on a natural high from the lovely fresh air and watching the excitement on my son's face as he aimed a snowball at his dad and put the carrot on the snow mans face.
I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow. As much as I love mum it's been exhausting these last 5 weeks since she had her operation. I find myself getting impatient with her and snapping at her, which isn't nice of me at all. I want to be a nicer, more patient person and I'm hoping that that will happen as I begin to relax into sobriety again.
A x
On the way back we stopped into a camping site (where we've also been before when D was younger) and had a snack. It was amazing because there dozens of kangaroos grazing in the grass and lot of the mums had joey's in their pouches. They were so close! It was a wonderful site. We are so lucky to be close to all that nature here in mum's country town. We really take it for granted sometimes.
So a wonderful but tiring day! When we were on the mountain in the snow I was trying to imagine if the experience would have been better if I'd had a glass or two of wine. And I can honestly say that it wouldn't have been. We had a great time without it. I was on a natural high from the lovely fresh air and watching the excitement on my son's face as he aimed a snowball at his dad and put the carrot on the snow mans face.
I'm looking forward to going home tomorrow. As much as I love mum it's been exhausting these last 5 weeks since she had her operation. I find myself getting impatient with her and snapping at her, which isn't nice of me at all. I want to be a nicer, more patient person and I'm hoping that that will happen as I begin to relax into sobriety again.
A x
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
Day 1... yet again
So, day 1... again. It's been a while between posts. Too long probably. Maybe if I'd blogged more often I wouldn't have fallen off the wagon. I made it to 31 days last time then just stopped. I could go on and on about how difficult things had been and how stressed I was with mum having her operation and then staying with us for 2 weeks, and whilst it would be true, it would be no excuse. I just decided that I wanted to drink. After all the recent stress I deserved it. This is a warped way of thinking I know. Pouring booze down my throat is hardly a reward. But 31 days was pretty good I thought. I just have to work harder and not get complacent again.
I am currently in the country at mums. She's recovered pretty well from her surgery and we will be leaving for home in a couple of days. I'm hoping things will get back to normal then and I can get back into my own routine and blog on a regular basis. I love listening to the Bubble Hour but I haven't been able to do that here, so I'm looking forward to that. I've started reading Jason Vale again and have also bought Allen Carr's book. So I'm hoping they will help. I need to start taking care of myself now. I need to be a bit selfish I think and concentrate on my own health for a while.
So, another new start. I will try and post again tomorrow.
A x
I am currently in the country at mums. She's recovered pretty well from her surgery and we will be leaving for home in a couple of days. I'm hoping things will get back to normal then and I can get back into my own routine and blog on a regular basis. I love listening to the Bubble Hour but I haven't been able to do that here, so I'm looking forward to that. I've started reading Jason Vale again and have also bought Allen Carr's book. So I'm hoping they will help. I need to start taking care of myself now. I need to be a bit selfish I think and concentrate on my own health for a while.
So, another new start. I will try and post again tomorrow.
A x
Monday, 25 August 2014
Day 14..again
Today I find myself at day 14.... again. I remember last time it felt like a milestone of some sort. I guess because I was doing Dry July it was an almost half way point and other people doing it were beginning to count down the days to the end of the month. I was hoping to continue which of course I failed at. I lasted one extra day and then succumbed. I really did want to keep going. I planned to. But I guess it was early days and I wasn't that strong yet. And maybe I needed that slip up to strengthen my resolve and to get me here again.
It was a crazy month and I am proud of myself for completing the challenge and going 32 days without alcohol. I was certainly tested when I found out my dad died 3 weeks in. Everyone said it would be ok to have a drink. That it would be understandable given the circumstances. But I stayed strong and didn't have one. I even poured mum a Bailey's as she was really upset and I thought it might help her 'relax'. I wasn't even tempted to have one. Then flying to Adelaide for the funeral, a small sad affair with just mum, 2 of my 3 brothers and me (All dad's siblings live in Norway so weren't able to be there). Even though I hadn't seen my dad for many years it was still so very sad to see his coffin and to know that his body finally succumbed to the deadly drug alcohol. So very sad for a life lost. For not knowing his beautiful grandchildren. For sacrificing his whole life for booze. I'm glad I went though, and got closure. I would have always regretted it of I hadn't gone. So that was a very testing time. And yet I stayed strong and didn't drink. Well, not for another week anyway. So I know I can do it. I just have to stay strong and remind myself why I am doing this.
I remember years ago when I was a smoker, a colleague who had given up smoking had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, but what I remember is that she said to me if she didn't take up smoking again after such a tragedy then she could safely say that she would never smoke again. I remember thinking 'wow, I can't imagine giving up smoking let alone not smoking when something awful like that happens!' I eventually gave up smoking myself 9 years ago and have never been tempted to take it up again even through life's ups and downs. But I'm not sure if it's the same for drinking. Because even though I was able to stay strong when my dad died, I wasn't able to be a week later. And who knows what will happen this time around? I'm hoping that I can stay strong and not drink even when life throws me a curve ball. Which will surely happen because that's just life. But I am going to keep blogging, keep reading sober blogs and books, stay active on Mrs D's website Living Sober and actively work at staying sober. Otherwise I might just slip up again and I really don't want that to happen!
A x
It was a crazy month and I am proud of myself for completing the challenge and going 32 days without alcohol. I was certainly tested when I found out my dad died 3 weeks in. Everyone said it would be ok to have a drink. That it would be understandable given the circumstances. But I stayed strong and didn't have one. I even poured mum a Bailey's as she was really upset and I thought it might help her 'relax'. I wasn't even tempted to have one. Then flying to Adelaide for the funeral, a small sad affair with just mum, 2 of my 3 brothers and me (All dad's siblings live in Norway so weren't able to be there). Even though I hadn't seen my dad for many years it was still so very sad to see his coffin and to know that his body finally succumbed to the deadly drug alcohol. So very sad for a life lost. For not knowing his beautiful grandchildren. For sacrificing his whole life for booze. I'm glad I went though, and got closure. I would have always regretted it of I hadn't gone. So that was a very testing time. And yet I stayed strong and didn't drink. Well, not for another week anyway. So I know I can do it. I just have to stay strong and remind myself why I am doing this.
I remember years ago when I was a smoker, a colleague who had given up smoking had a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, but what I remember is that she said to me if she didn't take up smoking again after such a tragedy then she could safely say that she would never smoke again. I remember thinking 'wow, I can't imagine giving up smoking let alone not smoking when something awful like that happens!' I eventually gave up smoking myself 9 years ago and have never been tempted to take it up again even through life's ups and downs. But I'm not sure if it's the same for drinking. Because even though I was able to stay strong when my dad died, I wasn't able to be a week later. And who knows what will happen this time around? I'm hoping that I can stay strong and not drink even when life throws me a curve ball. Which will surely happen because that's just life. But I am going to keep blogging, keep reading sober blogs and books, stay active on Mrs D's website Living Sober and actively work at staying sober. Otherwise I might just slip up again and I really don't want that to happen!
A x
Saturday, 23 August 2014
Happy Saturday
Hello blog, it's been a while! Sorry for neglecting you. I'm still here, just been slack with jotting my thoughts down. It's day 12 today. It feels good to be in double figures again. It means I'm getting further away from that last drink.
I'm feeling happier. Last week I was feeling flat and really depressed. Questioning my decision. Do I really need to be doing this? Was I really that bad? Surely I'll be ok now? Now that I know how good being sober feels surely I will be able to moderate? But of course I know the answer to these questions. I am here for a reason and I have to keep reminding myself what those reasons are. It's amazing how as time goes by you forget how bad things were. You forget how awful the hangovers were, how you never got anything done. How much time you wasted. How unmanageable your life had become. I don't want to get back on that roller coaster. I like here, with my feet firmly on the ground. It feels safe and comforting. I may feel unsteady for a bit while I get my balance back but that's ok. I'll get there.
I'm feeling happier. Last week I was feeling flat and really depressed. Questioning my decision. Do I really need to be doing this? Was I really that bad? Surely I'll be ok now? Now that I know how good being sober feels surely I will be able to moderate? But of course I know the answer to these questions. I am here for a reason and I have to keep reminding myself what those reasons are. It's amazing how as time goes by you forget how bad things were. You forget how awful the hangovers were, how you never got anything done. How much time you wasted. How unmanageable your life had become. I don't want to get back on that roller coaster. I like here, with my feet firmly on the ground. It feels safe and comforting. I may feel unsteady for a bit while I get my balance back but that's ok. I'll get there.
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Day 5... Again
So, here I am on day 5 again. It is exactly 6 weeks since I started my blog, full of enthusiasm and hope for an AF future. I lasted 32 days before I decided I was 'fine' and started drinking again. So glad to be back here again!
I had a really flat, depressing day yesterday. I just had no motivation and couldn't get out of the slump I was in. It wasn't until I picked D up from school that I started to feel better. I guess there will always be flat days. But I just felt SO depressed and down. It was awful. I have to remind myself that's it's only been a few weeks since I found out my dad died, and that my emotions will probably be all over the place for a while.
I slept a bit better last night, so feeling less tired today. I can't wait till I feel refreshed and full of energy. I didn't get there when I did Dry July, most likely because I gave in so soon afterwards, but I am determined to get there this time! I know it will take some time to get my body in a healthy state. I've been abusing it for so many years so of course it's going to take time!
A x
I had a really flat, depressing day yesterday. I just had no motivation and couldn't get out of the slump I was in. It wasn't until I picked D up from school that I started to feel better. I guess there will always be flat days. But I just felt SO depressed and down. It was awful. I have to remind myself that's it's only been a few weeks since I found out my dad died, and that my emotions will probably be all over the place for a while.
I slept a bit better last night, so feeling less tired today. I can't wait till I feel refreshed and full of energy. I didn't get there when I did Dry July, most likely because I gave in so soon afterwards, but I am determined to get there this time! I know it will take some time to get my body in a healthy state. I've been abusing it for so many years so of course it's going to take time!
A x
Thursday, 14 August 2014
Happy and frustrated
Day 3 today. I'm thrilled to be on day 3 but also frustrated that I am not on day 45. But I guess I have to get past that. It was my choice and I have to live with it. I have to learn from it and move on and not let myself be in that position again. It's frustrating too having to go through the difficulty sleeping and tiredness and weird dreams that I went through when I stopped before. But I have to remind myself that I had only stopped for 32 days and that isn't very long when you have been drinking so much for as long as I have. But I do know that I will eventually start to feel better. It was just a blip and hopefully a lesson well learned.
I'm finding Mrs D's Living Sober website really helpful. It's great being able to chat with like minded people. People who understand exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. It's good to know you are not alone. And even though I knew that from reading all the wonderful sober blogs, I like the interactiveness (is that even a word?) of it.
I told dh that I was going to sign up for HSM. I also told him that it might be for longer. He knows (obviously) how much I used to drink but I don't think he understood the extent of my problem. He would often drink as much as me but then he could easily go a night without. It's hard for people who like a drink but who don't have that internal battle going on inside their head to understand what it's like for people like us. I look at my friend who also likes a drink and wonder if she has that inner battle too or if she just likes to drink but can then stop easily if she wants to?
When July was over and I decided that I could moderate, my first thought when I entered the bottle shop was 'I haven't been in the drug shop for a while'!! Honestly, those were the exact words that went through my head. And even though I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interests I still went ahead with it. I drank most nights for the next 10 days but didn't enjoy it much at all. It tasted awful and made my head feel foggy and strange. It wasn't a nice feeling. Even my beloved bubbly didn't have the same zing that it used to have. So here I am again. But I know now that moderation isn't for me. Had I listened to everyone who has gone before me and said that moderation doesn't work I could have saved myself a lot of angst. But I can't go back and change it. So, I am moving forwards and am not going to be too hard on myself. I am back on the wagon and that's the main thing!
A x
I'm finding Mrs D's Living Sober website really helpful. It's great being able to chat with like minded people. People who understand exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. It's good to know you are not alone. And even though I knew that from reading all the wonderful sober blogs, I like the interactiveness (is that even a word?) of it.
I told dh that I was going to sign up for HSM. I also told him that it might be for longer. He knows (obviously) how much I used to drink but I don't think he understood the extent of my problem. He would often drink as much as me but then he could easily go a night without. It's hard for people who like a drink but who don't have that internal battle going on inside their head to understand what it's like for people like us. I look at my friend who also likes a drink and wonder if she has that inner battle too or if she just likes to drink but can then stop easily if she wants to?
When July was over and I decided that I could moderate, my first thought when I entered the bottle shop was 'I haven't been in the drug shop for a while'!! Honestly, those were the exact words that went through my head. And even though I knew that what I was doing was not in my best interests I still went ahead with it. I drank most nights for the next 10 days but didn't enjoy it much at all. It tasted awful and made my head feel foggy and strange. It wasn't a nice feeling. Even my beloved bubbly didn't have the same zing that it used to have. So here I am again. But I know now that moderation isn't for me. Had I listened to everyone who has gone before me and said that moderation doesn't work I could have saved myself a lot of angst. But I can't go back and change it. So, I am moving forwards and am not going to be too hard on myself. I am back on the wagon and that's the main thing!
A x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)