Tuesday, 22 November 2016

One year

This day one year ago I decided yet again to give up alcohol. I had had countless day one's but I couldn't think about that. I had to try again. This time, I decided not to think about forever. Or my next birthday, or Christmas, or this event or that event. I just decided to give up for today. Just for today. One day at a time.

And here I am, one whole year on. Who knew I could do it?! I certainly didn't. I just knew that I had to keep trying, because I couldn't continue to live the way I was. Which was miserable. With a hole eating away at my soul.

I remember Anne from Ainsobriety telling me to 'wait for the magic to happen'. I so so wanted that to happen. So I waited, one day at a time. And slowly, it did.

Externally, I look just the same (although I have finally lost a few kilos!) but it's on the inside where all the change has happened. I feel like a different person. And it's still just the beginning really. I know there is more magic to come. And I can't wait!

I am sorry I have been absent from my blog. Often, I would think about writing a post, but time would get away, or the words wouldn't come. So I would just leave it for another day. And before I knew it, a week or a month had passed.

So what have I been doing?

I have been going to several meetings a week. Some weeks it's 3 or 4. Others it might just be 1 or 2. I find them really helpful. Listening to other people's stories makes me feel connected and not so alone. I am still really shy and don't speak to a lot of people, but it doesn't matter. In time, I know I will make friends. Just having an 'in real life' connection to people helps enormously.

We went on our annual 2 week holiday to a sunny resort. The same time last year I had nearly a month sober time, but as soon as we arrived, I made the decision to drink. And I did, every single night of the holiday. This time, I knew I wouldn't drink. It was still a wonderful holiday. I have to be honest and admit I did miss it a bit in the evenings, but I would just play the tape forward and that would be enough to put me off. I didn't want to go back there.

We went to our fancy ball again this year. And I had a fantastic time!! I was so nervous that the night would be boring, that I would struggle and feel left out. But I didn't! There was free flowing alcohol all around me and I just drank my diet coke and water and I was fine. I even danced! And when the music stopped at the end of the night, I thought it was only about 10.30 but it was well after midnight! That was a wonderful night and I feel like I passed a major milestone.

My son turned 10 the other day! I can't believe 10 years have gone by so quickly. It makes me sad to think I didn't quit drinking sooner. That I will never get that time back. But I have to accept that and move on and live for today. Not dwell on the past, which I can't change.

I am going to buy myself something special for my 1 year soberversary. Some jewellery I think. A part of me would love to get a tattoo, but then I think I'm being silly! Maybe one day.

So, I am finally starting to get to know myself. And even like myself. This is a major breakthrough! It's only taken me 48 years! But better late than never I guess.

I feel so much happier. I finally realised that I am responsible for my own happiness. It's not up to my husband, or my son, or the things around me. It's not money, or a new car (still haven't got one!) or the weight I want to lose. It's ME. I am the only one who can make me happy. And working on myself from the inside is helping me to do that. It's not a quick process for me, but the fact that it is finally happening fills me with so much joy.

So yes, I am still here! One year on. I will try and blog more often. But if I don't, I will still be here.

Thank you my wonderful sober (or not quite sober yet) blogging friends and my facebook group. I couldn't have done this without you all.

A x

22 comments:

  1. That was so wonderful to read! You deserve to be so proud! Thanks for your support too.

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    1. Thanks HD. I do feel proud. I really never imagined I could do it, yet here I am! A x

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  2. I am so happy to read this! Congratulations on one year, that is so fantastic and I can hear in your words how far you have come and how happy you are. Definitely get yourself something nice, you deserve it x

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    1. Thanks PDTG. I will get myself something nice but it will have to wait. I am so broke at the moment! A x

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  3. What a treat to wake up and read this lovely post Angie!! So happy for you. Congratulations on your year, you definitely need something to celebrate. I was hoping I'd see a post from you soon. You sound very grounded and happy, that's a beautiful thing :-) Red xx

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    1. Thanks Red. It's lovely to see you are blogging again. I have missed the blogging world. I will try and post more often. A x

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  4. Angie that is so fantastic! I was wondering what was going on! So proud of u and u are an inspiration!! Sorry rushing here just wanted to say hi and well done xxxx

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    1. Thank you Kats. Hope you are going well. A x

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  5. ANGIE!!!
    I am SO happy for you!!
    BIG HUGS!!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thank you Wendy. I feel so happy right now! Sober is so much better. A x

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  6. Congratulations. I always knew you would get here.
    I am so very happy for you!
    The magic never ends!
    Love, stillness and peace

    Anne

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    1. Thanks Anne. You are my inspiration! A x

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  7. Hi

    I've only just found your blog! I'm on day 5 and getting through my first sober Friday in a long time! I would love to be like you and 12 months down the line, it seems a long long way off but I'm determined to do it xx

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    1. Hi Ang, I was exactly where you are, lots of times in fact! You can do this. What really helped me this time was to stop thinking of forever and just take it one day at a time. Well done on day 5! You are doing great! A x

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  8. Ahhh Thankyou so much for that. I've not told anyone except my husband that I'm trying to quit so it's lovely to hear words of support from someone who has been through it!! ive been reading through a few blogs but I want to read yours from day 1 to see how you did it!! I'm also Angie and I've also got a ten year old ( and a 7 year old) so yours kinda clicked with me! Congratulations on how far you've come you must feel amazing. Xx

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    1. I read tons of blogs when I was starting out. They really helped me. Also a lot of sober memoirs. You are doing awesome Ang (or do you prefer Angie?) You don't have to tell people. I have told my family and my husbands and a couple of friends and that's it. It's amazing how few people ask! You are doing really well. Keep it up! A x

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    2. Aww thanks so much!! Just someone saying your doing well means so much doesn't it! I'm sorry to hear about your dad, I know that's was a while ago but that's where I'm upto with your blog. Sending a hug. I've now joined the Mrs D website after you saying how good it is. I'm just trying to fill my head with sobriety stories and stay postitve! It's only 8.50 am and I've done all my ironing so I've a full day to spend with my hunnie and the girls, woo hoo!! (I get both Ange and Angie but I thought 2 angies on your blog may be confusing!) hope you have a fab weekend x

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  9. P.s I made it through my first Friday!! Xx

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  10. Thankyou Anne, And I've made it through my first Saturday now so I'm waking up this Sunday morning feeling very proud of myself!!! Anne how are you doing? I find that reading blogs and chatting with other people is really helping, I've tried to be af before but never achieved very long. This time I've read Jason vale- kick the drink and also found a lot of these sort of blogs and stories and can't believe how much it helps!!! I know it's early days for me but I'm just trying to be positive and NOT letting myself give up!! X

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  11. Well done you. It seems to take a while to sink in but I see some of the same things. I keep thinking that by being sober I am owed some sort of reprieve from life and that things are automatically better - well some stuff is better but I also see that the point is the bad stuff was amplified by the drinking. I struggled with low self esteem made worse because I was a drunk. Anyway, its your day/week. Go and get the tattoo or just a Henna one for now.

    Justonemore

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  12. Oh Angie I am so pleased to read this, huge congratulations on one year. Well done you, especially on finding yourself and realising this is all down to you. You did this all yourself, with support but the credit is all yours.

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