Thursday 2 June 2016

Rock bottom

I never really hit rock bottom. Not like the ones you read about anyway. You know the ones. The ones who lose their jobs, their homes, their family. They live on the streets, sleep on park benches and drink booze out of a brown paper bag. I fear my brother is heading this way, which scares the hell out of me.

But me? Nothing remotely like that.

But then, one persons idea of rock bottom might be completely different to another persons.

I was in a lousy place and whilst I still had a home, a husband and a job, I couldn't keep living the way I was. I was miserable.

Last year, just before I started my first 100 day challenge, I had a version of my own rock bottom.

I had had 3 weeks of sobriety but relapsed the night before. My friend C had me and our other friend G over for a drink and a movie. Mr A had been in a really shitty mood and I was so pissed off with him for it that when the chance to drink arose, I didn't hesitate. I felt justified. So I had a big bitch to my friends and I drank a lot that night.

So, by Saturday night, after another day of Mr A being in a fowl mood, I drank again and the anger in me eventually burst out in a nasty vitriol. I said some things that weren't very nice and because I had been drinking it came out completely different than I really wanted.

Mr A stormed off to bed and I sat up late, stewing. I took a sleeping tablet because I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep (yes really!!) and while I was waiting for that to work, I got all maudlin looking at old photos of the little guy as a baby, and decided to watch a video (dvd) of him that I hadn't watched for years. It was a home video that my brother-in-law had taken at the hospital when he was born. In it Mr A and I are giving him his first bath. It was such a special video and I sat there with tears streaming down my face, taken back to that very special time in my life. I was in quite a state.

I got up the next morning and as would be expected, felt AWFUL!! Not only did I have to do some damage repair with hubby, I had to get ready for work. As I was struggling to get breakfast down, I noticed the case for the dvd I had been watching the night before sitting on the table. It was empty. When Mr A was out of the room, I checked the computer to see if I had left the dvd in there, but it wasn't there. I had a quick look around but couldn't find it. I had to get ready for work so just thought I would find it the next day.

I went off to work and somehow managed to get through the day. And when I got home that night, I drank again. Because even though I had been feeling crap during the day, I had perked up by the time I got home from work.

I didn't go crazy that night, 'just' had a bottle of wine and no dramas this night. But the next day, I couldn't find the dvd anywhere! I searched desperately for it but just couldn't find it. My memory for that night was completely blank. I remember watching the dvd, the tears steaming down my face, but beyond that, nothing. I'm not sure if this was a blackout or because of the sleeping tablet I took, but whatever the case, I just had no memory of where I put the dvd.

That was the day I started my first 100 day challenge.

I never did find the dvd. It fills me with a deep shame to think I am the one who lost it whilst under the influence of alcohol. And to this day, I have never told Mr A about it. It is just too upsetting, and I'm scared he would be angry. Which he would have every right to be.

So, in a way, that was my rock bottom. Unfortunately, I started drinking again on day 102 and it would take me around 2 and a half more months for me to start my 2nd (and final I might add!) 100 day challenge.

Whenever thoughts of drinking again, of thinking I might be able to moderate now pop into my head, I think back to that night. To the loss of that very special video of my darling son. That I will never get back (unless there is a miracle and it turns up someday in some obscure place).

So today I find myself on day 193 - 6 months, 1 week and 4 days sober.

And I never want to go back to my rock bottom again.

A x

27 comments:

  1. I pray the dvd appears.
    Those deep lows and blank memories are exactly what prompted me to quit too.
    Such sadness and dispair. And such anger and meanness.
    None of that was me. But it was.

    I am so thankful I didn't wait for a stereotypical rock bottom. I'm not sure I could have recovered from there...

    The bottom is where you stop digging. And start living!

    Anne

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    1. Thanks Anne. That was me too... Such sadness and disparity. And some of the anger too. I want to really start living. In a way, I feel like I have just been born. So much to learn! A x

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  2. Oh Angie...I so hope you find that DVD one day soon!!! Your blog was beautifully written. I could totally visualize it. It was heartbreaking. BUT, look how far you've come!!! Congrats on 193 days!!!! xo

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    1. Thanks SA53. I think I have come a bit of a way. So much to learn though! Better late than never. It's better to know this now than not at all. A x

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  3. Hi Angie. It is heartbreaking to be reminded of these lows. Like you I didn't have what gets called a bottom but it sure was low enough for me, too. I'm really glad you were able to use this event as a kind of pivot into being sober. And I do hope you find that DVD! Big hug to you! xo

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    1. Thanks Thirsty. I can only be thankful that my bottom didn't get any lower. But it was only a matter of time. A x

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  4. I really hope that DVD turns up one day! My last drinking night wasn't great. I might do a post on that one day. You have come so far, congratulations X

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    1. Thanks PDTG. It's difficult actually writing it and putting it into words. But hopefully I can begin to move on now. A x

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  5. I hope you find the DVD. Maybe you put it in a safe place that night. Congratulations on day 193! xx

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    1. Thanks IH. I really hope I find it too! A x

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  6. I've heard the bottom is wherever you stop digging. I'm just so happy that you stopped digging! Mark from Mark Goodson dot com
    (Don't have a blogger ID)

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    1. Thanks Mark, that's a good expression. And so true. A x

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  7. Oh Angie I can imagine how sad that must make you but in some strange way it was the catalyst for you. I feel like I had a few bottom moments and then drank again so take that as a sign of your strength and resolve. I lost my mothers 18 carat charm bracelet and was 100% convinced myself the builders working on my house stole it. I stewed for about 8 years about it and then during a big clean up of my closet found it all the way tucked in back on the top shelf. Truth is I think I put it there on purpose so that it wouldn't be found by anyone passing through and yes there is a very good chance wine had been involved.

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    1. Hi Ginger, I'm so glad you found your mums charm bracelet. There were other bottoms for me too, that one just stands out because the dvd was so special and it's lost. I have to learn from it and hopefully never go back to that dark place again. A x

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  8. That was a very powerful post, thank you for sharing. So sorry about the DVD and I hope you do find it someday, maybe some place sadly funny, and can have a chuckle instead of a cry.

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    1. I'm really hoping that happens HD. Maybe one day I will do a big spring clean and find it somewhere! A x

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  9. Your description of how you behaved when drunk so reminded me of me. Brought it all back. Funny how all of our rock bottoms are different and almost none of them involve DUI etc. It just gets to a point where our values are violated so thoroughly by our actions that we make the final decision to care for ourselves again. Loved reading this. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks Ripley. There were many occasions like that for me. This one just stands out because I lost the dvd. Let's learn from them and never go back there. A x

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  10. This is really insightful, and encouraging! It's amazing that rock bottom can mean such different things to different people. Well done! xo

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    1. Thanks CIC, yes out bottoms are all so different yet they all had such a big impact. Let's use them to stay strong and never go back there again. A x

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  11. Thanks for this. I hope you find your DVD, I'm certain it will turn up. Maybe get the courage up to ask your husband? Hugs xx

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    1. Thanks Jackie. I don't have the guts to bring it up with my husband. Maybe one day. A x

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  12. The peace of mind that sobriety brings is the best.
    I am so glad you found this gift, Angie.
    I will pray that you find the video.
    Bug Hugs,
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy. I do feel that sobriety is a gift. Now I just have to look after it. A x

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  13. I bet you'll find that dvd somewhere. It's sad that you lost it but it's a good story to tell your son when he grows up, that he was the reason you wanted to sort yourself out, that that's how much you love him. It's amazing the clarity kids can bring to us. xxx

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  14. Day 193 is certainly and accomplishment. If you made it this far, you will make it the rest of the way. Looking back, I bet day 7 seemed like it was impossible, then 20, then 100. Now as you approach 200, reflect back at how far you have traveled and how much better your life is today that you have made it here.

    Kim Hunter @ K Hunter Law

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  15. I can relate to the problem of identifying what a "bottom" is as well! Sometimes I hear about some people having a "high bottom", but that doesn't really make sense to me. Hitting any so-called "bottom" is a subjective emotional experience. It has less to do with social standing or status and more to do with how well a person has control over their own life. For myself, hitting "bottom" meant escaping my denial.

    Eliseo Weinstein @ JR's Bail Bonds

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