Rock bottom

I never really hit rock bottom. Not like the ones you read about anyway. You know the ones. The ones who lose their jobs, their homes, their family. They live on the streets, sleep on park benches and drink booze out of a brown paper bag. I fear my brother is heading this way, which scares the hell out of me.

But me? Nothing remotely like that.

But then, one persons idea of rock bottom might be completely different to another persons.

I was in a lousy place and whilst I still had a home, a husband and a job, I couldn't keep living the way I was. I was miserable.

Last year, just before I started my first 100 day challenge, I had a version of my own rock bottom.

I had had 3 weeks of sobriety but relapsed the night before. My friend C had me and our other friend G over for a drink and a movie. Mr A had been in a really shitty mood and I was so pissed off with him for it that when the chance to drink arose, I didn't hesitate. I felt justified. So I had a big bitch to my friends and I drank a lot that night.

So, by Saturday night, after another day of Mr A being in a fowl mood, I drank again and the anger in me eventually burst out in a nasty vitriol. I said some things that weren't very nice and because I had been drinking it came out completely different than I really wanted.

Mr A stormed off to bed and I sat up late, stewing. I took a sleeping tablet because I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep (yes really!!) and while I was waiting for that to work, I got all maudlin looking at old photos of the little guy as a baby, and decided to watch a video (dvd) of him that I hadn't watched for years. It was a home video that my brother-in-law had taken at the hospital when he was born. In it Mr A and I are giving him his first bath. It was such a special video and I sat there with tears streaming down my face, taken back to that very special time in my life. I was in quite a state.

I got up the next morning and as would be expected, felt AWFUL!! Not only did I have to do some damage repair with hubby, I had to get ready for work. As I was struggling to get breakfast down, I noticed the case for the dvd I had been watching the night before sitting on the table. It was empty. When Mr A was out of the room, I checked the computer to see if I had left the dvd in there, but it wasn't there. I had a quick look around but couldn't find it. I had to get ready for work so just thought I would find it the next day.

I went off to work and somehow managed to get through the day. And when I got home that night, I drank again. Because even though I had been feeling crap during the day, I had perked up by the time I got home from work.

I didn't go crazy that night, 'just' had a bottle of wine and no dramas this night. But the next day, I couldn't find the dvd anywhere! I searched desperately for it but just couldn't find it. My memory for that night was completely blank. I remember watching the dvd, the tears steaming down my face, but beyond that, nothing. I'm not sure if this was a blackout or because of the sleeping tablet I took, but whatever the case, I just had no memory of where I put the dvd.

That was the day I started my first 100 day challenge.

I never did find the dvd. It fills me with a deep shame to think I am the one who lost it whilst under the influence of alcohol. And to this day, I have never told Mr A about it. It is just too upsetting, and I'm scared he would be angry. Which he would have every right to be.

So, in a way, that was my rock bottom. Unfortunately, I started drinking again on day 102 and it would take me around 2 and a half more months for me to start my 2nd (and final I might add!) 100 day challenge.

Whenever thoughts of drinking again, of thinking I might be able to moderate now pop into my head, I think back to that night. To the loss of that very special video of my darling son. That I will never get back (unless there is a miracle and it turns up someday in some obscure place).

So today I find myself on day 193 - 6 months, 1 week and 4 days sober.

And I never want to go back to my rock bottom again.

A x