I've been thinking about when I went from being a normal drinker to being a problem drinker, and I think it was as far back as my early to mid 20's.
I was living in a large country town an hour and a half away from the small country town where I lived during my high school years and where mum still lived. My boyfriend at the time was a shift worker and was on a rotating roster doing day, afternoon and night shifts.
He would get home after an afternoon shift at about 11.15pm and we would watch a movie, sometimes 2, and drink into the early hours of the morning. When he was on night shift, I would sit up late, drinking by myself, having convinced myself that I needed wine to help me to sleep.
I would buy a 4 litre cask of wine (riesling, can you believe it?!!) and
it would last me 3-4 days. I would rotate bottle shops so the person
behind the counter wouldn't think I had a problem with drinking. And I
had to always have some in the fridge so I wouldn't run out.
My boyfriend drank a lot too. He was quite possessive, so I didn't have any girlfriends. I guess you could say that alcohol was my best friend. Other than working on a casual basis at one of the local hospital as a State Enrolled Nurse, my life didn't have a lot of purpose. I would spend half the day in bed, trying to sleep off the hangovers. On the days that I worked, I usually worked an afternoon shift so I could still sleep in.
I remember one time, mum and I were going down to Melbourne for a short trip (we were probably going to a ballet or something, I can't remember exactly why we went that particular time). We met at the train station at about 11.30 in the morning to catch the train for the 3 and a half hour trip. Sometime during the trip, mum made a comment about being embarrassed to be seen with me because I looked tired and reeked of alcohol, and that she was worried about me. I remember being mortified, but also resentful that she would make such a comment, and I thought "I'll show her!"
So after that trip, I stop drinking during the week and would just drink on the weekends. And I did this for quite a while. I eventually went to university when I was 28 to get my Bachelor of Nursing and I managed to get to uni most days, so I don't think I was drinking every night then. But my memories are hazy so I'm not 100% sure.
I find it sad that I don't remember everything. That my memories are hazy. I just know that I was drinking problematically in my early twenties, years before mum made her comment.
I wasted my 20's drinking too much alcohol and living with a man I wasn't happy with, and I will never get that time back.
I sometimes feel like I blinked and missed my life. How sad is that?
My 30's were a whole new chapter in my life, so I will continue with that story next time.
Am so happy to be 201 days sober today! I wanted to blog yesterday on day 200 but Mr A was home sick so I didn't get the chance. Oh well, blogging on day 201 is pretty awesome too!
A x
Congrats on Day 200 AND 201! You know, what strikes me after reading this is that we, the quitting drinkers, seem to all feel like we missed out on the previous decades, like they could have been better if we weren't drinking. That is true, I think, to an extent. But, I also know a lot of people who feel the same way and never had problems with drinking. I think part of getting into our later years is that we think back, naturally, to what we could have done different. Everyone makes mistakes growing up. We probably made similar mistakes as others whether it was in parenting skills, relationships, etc and probably would have still made some or a lot of them without drinking. Don't beat yourself up too hard, just appreciate what you know now!!
ReplyDeleteI think it wouldn't be so bad if I had been with a bloke I was happy with. I just wasn't happy with him and I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd made different choices. I'm not blaming him, I'm just wondering what if.. a futile exercise I know! Anyway, I can't change it and today is day 203 so that's all that matters! A x
DeleteCongrats on Day 201. I do know what you mean. I sometimes wish that i could "do over". But everything I did led me here. And here is pretty darn great. And it's not over yet....
ReplyDeleteI would do a LOT of things differently. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You can't change the past. So now I have to try and be the best version I can be NOW. I am working on it but it's a long process. A x
DeleteI loved reading this and can't wait for the next installment. I don't have the length of heavy drinking but I often feel the same about lost decades. You may think this strange but I'm glad for every second of your history. It's what brought you here. I never would have met you otherwise. Congratulations on getting to 200. Woot woot for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ripley. You're lucky you don't have the length of heavy drinking I had. But whether you had a thirty year or 3 year history, it has led us all to the same place. I hate alcohol! It has destroyed a lot of lives. I'm so glad you got through your holiday. My big holiday is in October, and I will be 11 months by then so I'm hoping it will be easy. But you never know! A x
DeleteCongrats on Days 200 and 201!! I agree with Ripleybelle....your journey brought you here and I'm happy to know you!!! We all have regrets in life. Drinking or not. But, what I think us drinkers have is tremendous guilt that we messed up because we drank so much. We need to forgive ourselves and move forward. xo
ReplyDeleteThe guilt can be crippling! I spend a LOT of time feeling guilty for my past behaviour. I'm not sure how to move past it actually. I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. That's why I'd like to try some councelling. Hopefully one day. A x
DeleteI know what you mean about lost decades too. I couldn't tell you much about my 20s and 30s. I'm not sure I was that bad in my 20s but can't really remember so might be in denial about that! Congratulations on day 201. You're doing so well xx
ReplyDeleteImagine having our 20's back again knowing what we know now?!! Wonder how much we would do differently? I like to think I would do EVERYTHING differently! But we'll never know so I guess it's a waste of time thinking about it! A x
DeleteI often think about misspent time, but I've come to realise I think lots of people feel like that for one reason or another. Today is really all that counts. I can't believe you are over 200 days!!!! That is so good. My drinking became problematic at around 27, I'd always liked a drink and had been studying and working in hospitality which it's just a given to drink. Then I went through a break up and things escalated, living alone, drinking every night but telling myself it was temporary. Well tromp irate turned into about 10 years and here I am! Congratulations and I hope Mr A is feeling better. PDTG
ReplyDeleteI completely get the hospitality thing. I worked in hotel and restaurants for years and it is part of the culture and late nights. Smoking too back in the day but not so much now.
DeleteToday IS all that counts! I can't believe I've done 200 days either! Who knew it'd be possible?! Mr A is much better thanks (thank goodness!) A x
DeleteCongratulations on Day 201 - that is something to be very proud of. I liked this post - nails my thoughts exactly whenever I reflect back. I don't remember a lot of my past and it makes me sad. I'm not sure I want to remember, lot's of cringe worthy actions I'm sure. But I do know that each day of our lives leads us down our path (be they good or bad) and since I can't go back, all I can do is live each and every day of the rest of my life sober and happy. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stratta. It is sad isn't it? But it makes you appreciate now a lot more. And since we can't go back and change anything, I suppose it's a waste of time thinking too much about it. It's the guilt that gets me though. How do you live with that? Thanks for the hug. A x
DeleteCongratulations on your sobriety Angie. I was one of those always a problem drinker types. I always had consequences when I drink. I just fell flat on my face when drugs were entered into the mix.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mark. Thankfully it was only ever alcohol for me but that was bad enough! It's the consequences I feel guilty about. Now I just have to learn how to forgive myself. A x
DeleteI am gonna be a bit controversial here and say that whilst I do agree I drank too much in my 20's and did have some hairy moments and probably a few blackout moments from booze or by some sublconscious denial they happened, I had a blast in my 20's and even now I have no regrets. Embarrassing moments yes but it was a very hedonistic period for me and I spent the bulk of my 20's in Hong Kong which was then very much work hard, play harder. For me the drinking of the last 8-9 years has been the turning point because it was drinking to cope and numb and often done alone at home. And as mentioned in other comments all of that has brought me to here and now so was part of the long journey.
ReplyDelete201 days is fantastic Angie, well done you. So happy for you.
You're lucky you had a blast Ginger. I wish I had! I have a lot of not so nice memories, and I know if I hadn't been drinking my life would have been completely different. But I can't go back and change anything, so I just have to learn how to forgive myself. I hope I get there one day. A x
DeleteMe too. I spent s lot of my life in a ball of paranoid anxiety and depression. I friend many coping mechanisms, including starving, excessive exercise and finally drinking.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I loved with someone when I was younger who drank a lot and I too can recall it was obsessive even then.
I know I needed help with my mental health issues long ago and was to scared and embarrassed to ask for it.
So much time wasted.
But not anymore. Those moments are gone, and the realization of that makes me cherish today even more. When I get into the could have should haves I forget to enjoy the now. And that is truly all that matters.
We are living. That is an amazing gift!
Anne
Anne, I truly want to live for today, in the moment. I just find it so hard to let go of the past. To forgive myself. I'm not sure how to do it and move on. I have such a long way to go. Which is partly why I've started going to meetings. I hope when i eventually start working the steps I will be able to start to truly know myself and forgive myself. But in the meantime, I am 205 days sober! A x
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