I had last Sunday off work, so went on a little excursion into the city. It was just hubby, the little guy and me. We packed a lunch, jumped on a train and spent an afternoon being tourists in our own city. It was a lot of fun!
We ended our fun day eating our packed meal by the Yarra river, watching rowers going back and forth and people walking by.
It was a beautiful Autumn afternoon, sunny and warm. I said to hubby, this is the perfect occasion for a glass of wine, and he agreed with me. And it was. I sat there, drinking my diet coke, thinking in the old days, we would be sharing a bottle of wine or champagne and it would have been perfect.
But the reality is, whilst it may have felt perfect at the time, it wouldn't have been really. Because I would have gone home feeling mellow and relaxed from a lovely day out, and spoilt it all by drinking another bottle of wine and waking up the next day feeling hungover and filled with shame and misery.
But I can't shake those feelings of missing out. Of those 'perfect' times for a glass of wine. I feel sad that I can't do that anymore.
And then of course I start to think 'I wasn't that bad really'. Anyway, I know now what I have to do to not be that bad anymore. And I know this is all bullshit.
Because I can't go back and have a glass of wine. For me, there is no perfect time. But will these feelings ever go away?
I've been thinking ahead to October when we will be going on our annual holiday to a resort in the sun and already I'm feeling sad that I won't be able to drink. This is ridiculous! It's 6 months away! Why am I worrying about this now?! Besides, I will be almost 1 year into sobriety by then so hopefully it won't be an issue. But I can't shake these feelings.
I am committed to not drinking. I have signed up for 180 days (am on day 144 - I think) But I'm scared that my resolve is waning. And I'm scared that I'm feeling like this after so long. I feel like I'm in the early days again.
I want to be happy and confident in my sobriety. Not full of doubts. I know this is probably the wine witch talking but I can't help it.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.