Friday 18 March 2016

Bottling up my feelings

Mum and I were talking about drinking last weekend. It was mainly about my brother; the one with the drinking problem, and how worried we are about him. I was saying that he needs to go to rehab if he were to stop drinking. Mum agreed and said he wouldn't be able to 'just stop like I did'.

Just stop like I did?!! Like I just stopped and that was it?! This statement really bugged me. We all know that that is NOT how it happened. But to be fair to mum, I haven't spoken to her in depth about my drinking problem. But I was still annoyed. Mum knows I drank too much. Heck, she commented about it often enough! Plus she lived with my alcoholic father for a long time, so she knows it's a problem that runs in the family. My father was never able to conquer his drinking demons and he died as a result in 2014.

So to hear mum say that hurt a bit. But did I correct her? No I didn't. And I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to bottling up my feelings. I've been like this all my life.

God forbid if anyone finds out how much I am hurting inside. How stressed I often am. How depressed I sometimes feel. How at times I feel that life is hopeless and what did I ever do to deserve this? Or that maybe I deserve the shit things in my life because I have a drinking problem.

Mum has no idea what I have gone through because I don't tell her. I don't tell anyone. Which is why I really need to see a councellor or psychologist. I know continued stress isn't good for you. But it's all I know. But I'm sick of it!

But I will be ok. I always am (on the outside anyway!)

Today I am on day 117. Which is pretty bloody good! 

A x


8 comments:

  1. Hi Dear Angie!
    First of all, you are doing great. 117 days is fantastic!
    Second, you are so right...no one can be supportive if they don't know our story.
    You are aware of what you want and where you need to go. And that is one of the most important things!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy. I think the main thing is what you said, that I am aware of what I want to do and where I need to go. Maybe one day I will talk to mum about how hard this journey has been. But for now, that's enough. A x

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  2. Great job on 117 days! And do go and talk to someone. It will help. Pouring it all out to a stranger is very therapeutic. And we are all here for you - and we all KNOW that you didn't stop "just like that" - because it's freaking hard xxx

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    1. Thanks Jackie. I would really love to talk to someone. I just need to do it, instead of just talking about it! Thank you for your support. A x

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  3. Dear Angie
    I felt the same way. Do try to find a therapist and start finding your way to let this out.
    You did nothing. You deserve joy and peace and love and contentment.

    It is very hard to be stuck between demanding people see our pain and hiding it. Brene brown is again my role model here.

    I spent so many many years living behind a glossy facade. No one saw my pain. And I truly felt no one cared. I hate myself.

    I embrace honesty, openness and vulnerability now. I tell people about that pain. They are often shocked, but they then see an opportunity to share a little of their own.

    We all have inner demons. Ours involved drinking. And, for me, starving, exercising, self harming.

    When I live showing all my wrinkles and flaws I live in full acceptance of myself. No one can "find me out". I am free.

    You can too.

    Anne

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    1. Thanks Anne. I really need to read Brene Brown's book. I have it on my shelf, but am yet to read it. I can't wait to be able to live in full acceptance of myself, flaws and all. I want to be free too. A x

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  4. Hi Angie, you definitely don't deserve bad because you drank, maybe you drank because things were bad. Either way you are not drinking now and THAT is amazing. I think a time will come for you when you are with your mom and you can tell her that even though she may not know it, her words really hurt you because you had to try so hard to stop drinking and stay stopped and that again, while her words weren't meant to have that effect it takes away from the hard work you have done. You can also tell her you are not looking to make a big deal out of it or have an apology but you love her enough to share your feelings.
    I find these days I am able to share so much easier than before and if you frame it right you won't hurt, embarrass or shame the other person but they will now understand what is important to you. You are doing great Angie, keep it up.

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    1. Thanks Ginger. I hope I can talk to my mum about it one day. When I'm feeling less vulnerable perhaps? The main thing is that I am not drinking! A x

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