30 Year school reunion!

I have my 30 year school reunion on the weekend. And I am terrified!

I didn't enjoy high school. I had a couple of close girlfriends but that was it. I spent my high school years filled with insecurity and low self esteem. I longed to be one of the 'cool' girls and tried my hardest to be someone I wasn't. I guess I was just not comfortable in my own skin. And it must have come across because I got a lot of grief from a lot of the girls and some of the boys. It was exhausting constantly trying to be something you're not. I tried to lose weight because if I was thin I would be 'cooler'. I took up smoking when I was fifteen because that was definitely cool. But as hard as I tried, I was never considered cool. In fact, the cool girls teased me and I was devastated.

When I started high school I was a gawky 13 year old. I had long blonde hair and I was taller than most of the other girls (this soon changed when I stopped growing and the other girls kept growing! Now I am just average). Then in year 8 I had a fringe (bangs) cut and got a cooler hair style and suddenly a lot of the boys started liking me. But this wasn't the attention I wanted. I wanted the girls to like me, the cool girls that is, I didn't really care about the boys (although that changed not long after). A lot of the girls didn't like me getting attention from the boys and that made it worse.

So you see, high school wasn't kind to me.

To give you a little background, mum packed up my 3 brothers and me and moved us 5 hours away to a tiny country town where we didn't know a soul. We did this to leave my drunken father. Mum had her name on a waiting list for commission housing and this town was the first to come up (The other alternative was high rise apartments in the city, but thank God we didn't move to one of those). Mum loved the country and thought it was a much better option.

Moving was hard though, especially on me and my older brother. He went into year 9 and I went into year 7. Starting high school is hard enough but when you don't know ANYONE, especially in a small country town where friendships have already been established, it is even more challenging. My brother struggled too but being a good looking boy helped and he fitted in a lot easier than I did. I on the other hand was really really shy, but this shyness was mistaken for aloofness, for being 'up myself' and a snob.

So I spent all my high school years worrying what people thought of me, and it's a pattern that has continued all through my adulthood years. And to this day, whenever I go back to visit mum in the country, I revert back to that 16 year old girl who was consumed with angst and fear over what other people thought of her. It's horrible and I hate myself for it. I should have grown out of this by now. I should have enough life experience and confidence by now not to worry about what others think, but I can't help it. I agonise over what I'm wearing when I go up to the local shops for heavens sake (am I over dressed or under dressed, should I not wear lipstick or dangly earrings? I don't want people to think I'm 'up myself')

So the thought of going to this reunion is terrifying. On the one hand, I want to catch up with the few people I was friends with, but I couldn't really care less about the others. And on the other hand, I'm hoping that people have grown up by now (Surely by now, being 47/48!) and that they will have forgotten what went on back then. Or will they remember, like I have?

I wasn't going to go. But I changed my mind, thinking I might regret it later if I don't. And I will have my husband with me, so if it's really horrible, at least I will have him to talk to and to have my back.

But I'm hoping it will be fine. I'm hoping that I will later say to myself "what were you worried about? Everyone has grown up and we are all equals now".

And I won't have alcohol as a buffer. I will be doing this raw and sober. And people are sure to ask why I'm not drinking, and some are surely going judge me for it.

But maybe this will be the time when I finally grow up. When I finally come to realise that we are all the same. That we are all just humans living our lives and doing the best we can. That these people were only kids themselves back then, with their own insecurities and fears. That it wasn't all about me after all.

Maybe I will finally be able to go home to the small country town and find peace.

A x