Wednesday 27 January 2016

I'm back and on day 66

Well, I am still here. Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I had my operation a couple of weeks ago and was in hospital for 2 days. Then mum stayed for a week helping me out, and then we went away to the beach for a week (my parents-in-law own a house near the beach, about an hour and a half away). We had my brother-in-law and his wife and kids staying too so I didn't have a chance to blog. But I have been reading all your blogs on my phone whenever I had a quiet moment to myself (which wasn't often with a house full of noisy kids!!).  But I'm back now. I've recovered pretty well from my op but I still don't feel 100%. I'm hoping it just takes a little time.

So, day 66 today! I wanted to buy myself a little treat for reaching day 60 (day 60 feels like a milestone of sorts for some reason) but I was away, but I might still get something. I was thinking of a ring from Pandora, ooh I love those! And tomorrow is my birthday so I must get my thinking cap on for ideas for Mr A. I normally hate my birthday because I am struggling with the thought of the next big 0 birthday, but I am trying to be grateful for them instead. A lot of people don't get the privilege of getting older so I shouldn't be complaining about it. Anyway, 48 is not so bad. It's actually a nice number. 8 is my favourite number so maybe that's why lol!

So anyway, day 66. I am in a different head space this time around. I am sure by this time last year when I did the 100 day challenge I was starting to think about the end date. Maybe not much, but I was definitely aware of it. This time, I am really thinking about why I stopped, and what it would be like if I started again. And for the first time, forever doesn't seem like an impossibility. It's still a scary thought, but I'm beginning to get my head around it.

I have to be honest though. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into my sobriety. But I know I mustn't get complacent because it is so easy to fall back into old patterns. One thing I've been doing though, is really thinking what it would be like if I started drinking again. And I don't want to go back to that place. Alcohol has been in my life for such a long time, and for most of that time, it wasn't my friend. I've done many things in my life that I'm ashamed of, things that I wouldn't have done if I wasn't drinking. My life could have been so different. And whilst that was a long time ago and nothing terrible has happened since I met my husband, there have still been occasions when I've done embarrassing things whilst drunk. This was before the little guy came along but still, a good reminder why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I have a problem with it, and nothing is going to change that.

Occasionally, a crazy thought will pop into my head. It says to me "maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you know you can't drink too much, but surely now you can just have a couple and it wouldn't have to be every night" But I know this is the wine witch talking. It isn't me. It's that evil wine witch, that monster, and she wants me to drink again and fall into old patterns and become someone I despise. I will NOT go back to that place, I just won't! Sober is so much better.

I still haven't gotten to a meeting. I just haven't had the chance. But the little guy is starting back at school on Monday, so maybe I will then. We'll see. I would like to get to one, just to see if it's for me. I know I need to work on my sobriety. I can't just cruise along and not put any work into it. That's when things can go wrong. And I don't want to be caught off guard. So, I'm going to try and blog more often, keep reading my books and stay vigilant. I want this to work this time.

A x


13 comments:

  1. Good job Angie!!! It's so great to see your success. Bravo for your honesty and I wish you well. I am just a year older than you and have an 8 year old too. Delicious age for both me and the little one. Ripley!

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    1. Thanks Ripley. My little guy turned 9 last November. It is a lovely age (most of the time lol!) I'm happy turning 48. 2 years down the track might be a different story however! But I'm not going ot worry about that now. A x

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  2. Awesome Angie! Glad you got thru the surgery & got some beach time 😍 . I think you are very right about not 'anticipating the end date' - it seems o much better to focus on why we stopped and what we don't want to repeat or lose by starting again. You are doing so well 👍🏻. We can do this! Thanks for stopping by my blog 😘

    Hugs,

    SR

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    1. Thanks SR. You are right about not thinking about an end date. One day at time, that's what I am concentrating on. How are you going? You must be nearly at 4 weeks now! You are doing great. A x

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  3. Hi Angie!
    Happy 66 days! I am glad your operation went well, and that you are still sober. I have been thinking of you!
    Keep thinking of both, the good reasons to stay sober, and the bad things that happen when you drink.
    Sober treat!!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy. I WILL keep thinking of both. And hopefully it will be enough to keep me sober. I really don't want to go back to the drinking me. I will get my sober treat today! A x

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  4. It's great to hear from you.
    Keep taking care of yourself as you recover.
    Yay for 66! Buy that ring!

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    1. Hi Anne, I am going to buy my ring today. And I will wear it everyday to remind myself of how good being sober is. And self care, that's what I need to focus more on too. You told me once to wait for the magic to happen. I don't think I have waited long enough before, this time I am going to! A x

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  5. thats great angie, was wondering was all ok. day 66 is awesome! i too am finding life alcohol free better and more joyful. a little flat sometimes... like its hard missing something to look forward to but suppose that a common complaint. I am 40 this year so all my friends 40ths are starting, first one sat night and my mum 70 in 2 weeks so another party. Typically these are events I would drink at but if i can keep my head straight for these I am sure I will better equipped to deal with holidays in a few months xx

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    1. Hi Kats, I too feel flat some days. But there were many many days when I felt hungover or just under par and miserable. I can cope with flat days. And besides, they pass. All those parties coming up may be hard. You just have to stay strong and remember why you are doing this. You can do it! A x

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