I'm back and on day 66

Well, I am still here. Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I had my operation a couple of weeks ago and was in hospital for 2 days. Then mum stayed for a week helping me out, and then we went away to the beach for a week (my parents-in-law own a house near the beach, about an hour and a half away). We had my brother-in-law and his wife and kids staying too so I didn't have a chance to blog. But I have been reading all your blogs on my phone whenever I had a quiet moment to myself (which wasn't often with a house full of noisy kids!!).  But I'm back now. I've recovered pretty well from my op but I still don't feel 100%. I'm hoping it just takes a little time.

So, day 66 today! I wanted to buy myself a little treat for reaching day 60 (day 60 feels like a milestone of sorts for some reason) but I was away, but I might still get something. I was thinking of a ring from Pandora, ooh I love those! And tomorrow is my birthday so I must get my thinking cap on for ideas for Mr A. I normally hate my birthday because I am struggling with the thought of the next big 0 birthday, but I am trying to be grateful for them instead. A lot of people don't get the privilege of getting older so I shouldn't be complaining about it. Anyway, 48 is not so bad. It's actually a nice number. 8 is my favourite number so maybe that's why lol!

So anyway, day 66. I am in a different head space this time around. I am sure by this time last year when I did the 100 day challenge I was starting to think about the end date. Maybe not much, but I was definitely aware of it. This time, I am really thinking about why I stopped, and what it would be like if I started again. And for the first time, forever doesn't seem like an impossibility. It's still a scary thought, but I'm beginning to get my head around it.

I have to be honest though. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into my sobriety. But I know I mustn't get complacent because it is so easy to fall back into old patterns. One thing I've been doing though, is really thinking what it would be like if I started drinking again. And I don't want to go back to that place. Alcohol has been in my life for such a long time, and for most of that time, it wasn't my friend. I've done many things in my life that I'm ashamed of, things that I wouldn't have done if I wasn't drinking. My life could have been so different. And whilst that was a long time ago and nothing terrible has happened since I met my husband, there have still been occasions when I've done embarrassing things whilst drunk. This was before the little guy came along but still, a good reminder why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I have a problem with it, and nothing is going to change that.

Occasionally, a crazy thought will pop into my head. It says to me "maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you know you can't drink too much, but surely now you can just have a couple and it wouldn't have to be every night" But I know this is the wine witch talking. It isn't me. It's that evil wine witch, that monster, and she wants me to drink again and fall into old patterns and become someone I despise. I will NOT go back to that place, I just won't! Sober is so much better.

I still haven't gotten to a meeting. I just haven't had the chance. But the little guy is starting back at school on Monday, so maybe I will then. We'll see. I would like to get to one, just to see if it's for me. I know I need to work on my sobriety. I can't just cruise along and not put any work into it. That's when things can go wrong. And I don't want to be caught off guard. So, I'm going to try and blog more often, keep reading my books and stay vigilant. I want this to work this time.

A x