A sober new year

First of all I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!! I can't quite believe that it's 1016! The years are flying by too fast and I can't quite keep up!

Secondly, I just want to apologise for not replying to your comments on my last posts. I have been away and didn't have a chance to get on my computer.

We got back home on New Year's Eve having spent a fantastic week in the country at mums with all my brothers and their families. It was absolutely wonderful! And the best bit is that I did it all sober!! I enjoyed a sober Christmas and it was such a special day. I got up to watch the little guy see what he got from santa. I wasn't irritable because I wanted to sleep more and I wasn't hungover. I got to see the joy on his face and be truly present in the moment. It was magical. And so so worth it!

I will be honest and admit that there were moments throughout the day when I thought a glass of wine would be nice. But I didn't give in and managed to enjoy the day without having any wine at all. Who would have thought it was possible?! And the beauty of it was that I got to wake up on Boxing Day without a hangover too. And every day afterward. I still had a wonderful time and got to do it all with a clear head.

My family were proud of me too, which is nice. My mum didn't say much about it but that's probably because I didn't say much about it. I just told them that I was having a break to lose weight and feel healthier. That was enough for now.

I felt really sorry for my brother B (he is the one with the drinking problem. I would say he is actually an alcoholic) He would start drinking early in the day, sitting outside by himself and smoking one after the other.  I really felt for my nephew too because he hardly got to spend any time with his dad (B is single so it is just him and his 13 year old son) B wouldn't go to the pool with all of us for a swim. He wouldn't play tennis with his son, or do anything with him really. My nephew really misses out and my heart just breaks for him. I watched my brother and felt helpless. He looked terrible and is so unhealthy. He hated the way our father was with his drinking yet he is exactly the same (without the violence and the coming and going). Why can't he see that? It is so frustrating to watch. I was shocked to see how much beer he consumed in a day. I have no idea how he affords to drink and smoke that much. It is mind boggling. I wanted to talk to him about it but I didn't know where to begin and was a bit nervous to. He desperately needs help.

Today finds me at day 43. I still can't believe it really. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was trapped in that boozy hell. Wanting to stop but not being able to. I'm just so thankful that I did.

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. But I guess I do have one. And that is to have a happy and sober 2016. I know I am going to have to work hard to make this a reality. It will take lots of self care and determination. I have been wanting to go to an AA meeting for a while now. I almost went once last year but didn't get there. So one of my aims for this year is to go to one. I am gong to wait until little guy is back at school so I can go to a day meeting. I want to keep it private for now. That may change further down the track, who knows. I will also try and write in my blog regularly. Sometimes I lose momentum with it and struggle to get back to it. I feel like I have nothing to say. But I know there is plenty to say. I want to delve into my inner thoughts more. Try and work out why I have this addiction in the first place. I have always pushed my feelings deep inside. Much easier than dealing with them. I may even look into seeing a therapist. We'll see.

I am having an operation next Monday. It is for my endometriosis, and I also have an ovarian cyst that needs removing. I had a similar procedure 3 years ago and I remember anguishing over whether or not to drink the night before. Of course the need for a drink won and I ended up having a few but desperately trying not to have too many. I was so worried that the anaesthetist would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath when he put me under. No need to worry about that this time! I do have a fear of something going wrong though, or of not waking up. It's very frightening. I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't be in as much pain post operatively and that I'll be able to get into some exercise. Maybe I will finally start to lose some weight!

Have a great day everyone and Happy New Year!!

A x