Wednesday 3 August 2016

Out of my comfort zone

I went to a 50th birthday party last Saturday night. It was the first proper, grown up party I've been to since I got sober. I went there knowing I wouldn't drink. Thinking 'I've got this'. And I did. But it was a challenge.

We got there at 8pm and as soon as we walked in the door we were faced with cocktails! I just said no thanks and had a diet coke. There were a few people there already. Thankfully, there was a couple we knew who we hadn't see for a few years so we chatted to them for a while. I told them I don't drink anymore and they just accepted it, no questions asked, so that was a relief! I had my stash of diet coke caffeine free cans so I was all set.

Mr A was great. He kept my glass full and stayed with me. But he was drinking and as the night wore on, he started to mingle, which was fine. I didn't expect to stay glued to my side ALL night. I met a lovely lady who didn't know that many people either, so we chatted for a while. Then it was time for the speeches and we got separated, so I stood next to Mr A. I was feeling good and thinking this wasn't that hard after all! I can do this.

After the speeches, Mr A got into a discussion with a guy about football. By now he was getting quite tipsy! I was standing next to him awkwardly and felt a bit lost. I desperately looked around for someone to talk to but everyone was chatting to someone else. I didn't feel confident enough to walk up to them and join in the conversation, so I just stood there, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute.

Then a couple of girls I had been talking to earlier tried to drag me onto the dance floor. And I mean they actually grabbed my arm and physically tried to drag me onto the dance floor! But I resisted. I just couldn't do it. Something in me froze and I just couldn't dance.

I love dancing. I used to dance whenever I went out on the town. But that was a long time ago. And it was when I was drinking and had a lot of Dutch courage flowing through my veins. I felt sad the other night. I stood there in a panic, not knowing what to do with myself. I wanted to let my guard down and get out there on the dance floor and just have fun, but I couldn't do it. Maybe if I'd known the people better I could have done it. I don't know. I just know that by now I was feeling really anxious and I just had to get out of there. So I told Mr A that I wanted to leave and he understood. So I said a few goodbyes and he walked me out to the car. It was 11.35pm.

So I drove home, put on my pyjamas, and curled up on the couch with the computer and read my favourite blogs.

I felt disappointed that I didn't last longer at the party. But I'm glad I went and experienced it sober. I know I panicked but before that happened, I was having a good time. I think if I'd known more people it would have been better, maybe I might have even danced. Guess I'll never know!

Mr A got home at 3am and felt pretty miserable on Sunday. All I felt was relief that it wasn't me feeling like that!

So, the next time we go to a big fancy party, I am going to try and relax a bit more. Pretend no one is watching and have a dance. I have to remind myself that it's still early days. 8 months might feel like a long time, but in the big scheme of things, it's not long at all. So I'm not going to be too hard on myself.

A x

20 comments:

  1. Good for you. It does get easier the more you go out. I actually like to dance that way I don't have to make conversation with everyone else who is drinking. You don't have to act as if no one is watching because no one actually is!

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    1. I was thinking of an expression when I wrote that, 'Dance like no one is watching'. I'm sure it just takes practice to become comfortable in these situations. A x

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  2. You sound a bit low, but that was actually a major victory! You were feeling uncomfortable, but still kept on the path. You deserve a big sober treat. :)

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    1. A sober treat huh? I think you're right! I might get my nails done! I've been wanting to for ages, I should just do it. Thanks! A x

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  3. I hear that we need to repeat these ackward environments several times before we are ok doing them sober. You nailed it this time and next time will definitely be better!

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    1. Thanks Ripley. I think it just takes practice becoming comfortable in these situations. Hopefully it will be better next time. It's just as well I don't go out that much! A x

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  4. That was awesome! Good for you. I agree, that was a major victory. It does get better, and in the end, I promise, you'll be first on the dance floor. :)

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    1. Thanks Jackie. I don't think I'll ever be the first on the dance floor but I'd be happy just to get on there at all! A x

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  5. Angie,
    You did a great job!
    Parties are hard, especially if you drank to help relax.
    You came with a drink, you left early, and you realized these things take time!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy, I think you're right, these things just take time. Hopefully the next one will be easier! A x

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  6. Awesome. You had fun. Dancing will come. It's an odd one.

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    1. I know! I love dancing but I always had alcohol on board when I danced! I am just so shy and I still worry that I will look silly. Hopefully I will be able to get past this. A x

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  7. I had a night like that recently and swore after I wont put myself in that position again. I just can't be ars*d! I am just doing dinners and will go to things if I know lots people and am comfortable I can still have a good chat. I don't know what the solution is. It's too much of a trigger to be out and miserable and thinking drink would make it better. The reality is it wouldn't, I would just guzzle wine and then have to deal with all of the associated mess that brings and the horrible feelings. I feel for you. I do. But I hope you are happy that this is actually working for you(not drinking) and overall you are happier xxx

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    1. That's exactly how I felt when I was standing there awkwardly, that I would never do this again! But I want to. I want to have fun even without having to have alcohol on board. I AM happy, and thrilled to be living this sober life. I just need to work on my self confidence and learn to be comfortable in my own skin, because I've never had that before. A x

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    2. Hi angie. Defo go out. Sorry if it came across wrong But just go to something: things u enjoy. I don't think a boozy party where everyone is drinking is ever going to appeal and it's hard not to feel left out. But if some closer friends are there it would be better! U are awesome xx

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    3. Thanks Kats, I think if I knew more people there I'm sure it would have been a lot more fun. Oh well. I'm going to put it down to a experience and learn from it. A x

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  8. You did really well. Parties will get easier I think (hope) and they are the odd occasion, thankfully. Next time you will feel more comfortable and then you will be a sober party natural ;)

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    1. Thanks PDTG, yes, they are the odd occasion so I won't be going to many like that, thank goodness! I think I struggled because it was my first sober party. Hopefully next time will be easier! A x

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  9. Hey you did the hard thing! Did it really well, too: brought a beverage, had some fun, left when it got too intense--go you! Next time won't be nearly as hard.

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    1. Thanks SamKD, I'm determined that next time will be better. It just takes practice. I'm sober and that's all that matters. A x

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